Actualizing Member Profile

...See more Hi guys, I'm an expat that moved to Hong Kong a month ago. I have lots of friends here but I'm not super close with anyone yet. This means I don't confide in people here about my negative feelings. Recently, one of my new friends broke my heart. I've always had difficulty with physical intimacy, and this is for very personal reasons involving fear of people touching me in ways I don't want. My friend and I both have flirty personalities, so I thought we were being platonic although I was attracted to him. One night he was walking me home and then he kissed me. I kind of enjoyed it, but I also was very anxious and so I freaked out and cried. That was my first kiss. Later I asked him why he kissed me, and we had a long talk about where we thought this was going. We decided we probably didn't have much of a future since he was leaving Hong Kong soon. I suppose we both decided that we would just "be casual". However, I decided that I wanted to try enjoying the last few days he'd be here. Thus, I asked him to kiss me again because I wanted to see if I could handle physical intimacy. I could, and it felt great to know. I was looking forward to exploring this a bit more until he left. It felt like I could really trust him because he was my friend, and I trusted him not to touch me sexually without me wanting it. This meant a lot to me because it was my first time. However, the next day one of my friends started flirting with him. She didn't know about anything going on between us, and apparently she had been interested in him for a while. They held hands right in front of me as we were walking down the street. Later on that night they went into her room while we were all hanging out, closed the door, and never came out. I wasn't just going to sit there and wait, so I just went home and cried. I felt really hurt that he went ahead with it without considering how I would feel. He knew it was my first kiss, and he knew it took a lot of courage for me to try to be physically intimate with him because I had told him about the personal reasons of why it's hard for me. Later on I told him his actions really hurt me, and he did apologize, so at least I have that closure. I just feel like I didn't mean anything to him, and that hurts a lot. I can't figure out whether I expected too much. It really seemed like he enjoyed our time cuddling and talking alone together. He said he was interested in me from the beginning, not just because I had shown interest in him. But as soon as my female friend showed interest in him, they hooked up. He said part of the reason why that happened was because he didn't see things going anywhere with us. It seems my definition of "casual" differed from his a lot, and I understand that. But I really didn't think he would ignore my feelings the way he did. It hurts a lot. Did I expect too much?

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