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AidynHart94
2,350 M Hopeful Heart 4
PathStep 5 Compassion hearts92 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes6 Current upvotes6 Age GroupAdult Last activeApril, 2023 Member sinceApril 16, 2023
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I have been thrown back into the closet...and it sucks!
LGBTQ+ / MOGII Support / by AidynHart94
Last post
 April 19th, 2023
...See more I have always had a fairly good support system growing up, my family has always consisted in fairly fortunate unconventional kinds of people. For one, I have lesbian moms and a dad who is a very devout ally for woman's rights as well as LGBTQ+ rights. Even when I identified as a girl, the idea of me exploring my bicuriosity wasn't ever treated like anything more than mere development of my young teenage life. I was incredibly blessed to have that kind of acceptance in my life because I know how many people do not have that in their life. I however wasn't prepared for how differently I would be treated once I had realized my gender identity wasn't female, that I was Female to Male. I didn't panic or even freak out because I knew I had a good support system. Coming out should have been easy when you have two lesbian moms, one of them having a best friend who is trans, so it seemed like there should be zero problem right? That's what I thought... I remember being in the car with my biological mom, I've always been comfortable sharing how I feel with her and having this alone time made me feel like it was a good time to bring it up. So I told her that I was struggling with my gender identity. Her response "I don't think you are, you never had issues before." to which derailed me and shocked me to my core. I couldn't believe this was reality at that moment. I couldn't even find the words to say anything to my mother other than "Oh okay." and it really upset me, for the first time I really did just experience my family not being supportive which I know for some that may sound like "Oh well welcome to the club, kid" but it really felt like a full on slap to the face. Then came December, I gave up on the notion of really talking about my identity, I had told friends and they seemed to accept it but it felt like even they had distanced themselves from me. I felt so beside myself in this and it really sucked. My mom managed to pull me aside to say "You know I'm old school and I really didn't understand how you felt this way. You appear more feminine, you never liked boy things growing up, and I just didn't understand it." to which I thought that maybe this was a good turning point to explain that just because I did not appear masculine doesn't change I feel a certain way inside. So I explained the best I could but every turn it always felt like these questions were designed to disprove I wasn't trans. The non-stop hounding me about why I don't want to physically transition, why I'm still feminine, or *** even wanting me to explain my dating life. It got so tiring to deal with, I just shut down recently and reverted to the closet. I put my hands up and said "Yep no, silly me, I'm definitely a woman." and I think even part of me wanted to deny I was trans. I felt such an intense dysphoric fit after I did that, it got to the point where I didn't even feel like I was myself at all. It was like an out of body experience of me trying hard to prove I was a certain identity I hated. It got to a point where I realized and spoke to a friend "I don't feel myself, I feel like I'm a ghost trapped outside my body and it feels so screwed up." I never had issues with dysphoria before, I was fine with my body, my mind was just different and I could love and accept that. Now I feel terribly trapped in this situation where I feel I cannot be myself with people I thought I could be myself with. I think its important to recognize that there is more than two types of transgender people out there, we are not all the same and no one ever has to prove their identity EVER. I hope this post educates some, if others have advice that would be great, showing support is also good. Thank you for letting me share my voice about something personal.
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