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AislingS
60 M Embraced
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts2 Forum posts12 Forum upvotes12 Current upvotes12 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 1970 Member sinceMay 4, 2014
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Because I need a moment to speak.
Journals & Diaries / by AislingS
Last post
 May 26th, 2014
...See more I never talk about my problems. Not in any depth. According to the people around me, I'm not allowed to be depressed or anxious... not allowed to have experienced all the bad memories from my past. They don't exist. And most of the time.... I feel like I don't exist either. I'm not "allowed" to speak up. Not "allowed" to seek help. Not "allowed" to feel.  I have so many things I could talk about. So many things I could vent about. But I feel like they're stuck in my chest.  Ever since I can remember, I've been reprimanded for expressing negative emotions. Crying in front of anyone has always been met with a huge (and sometimes violent) "No."   Today, I had a panic attack in public for the first time in years. I like to fool myself into thinking that all those years were me being better, but I know I've only been repressing it.  My mom was with me... and she honestly could not be any less supportive. The second I started showing signs, she started pushing. Pushing to get me to calm down. Pushing to get me to talk while I can't even remember how to breath. Pushing to get me to "act normal." ... All just so I can stop embarrasing/offending her.  "Act Normal." Sometimes it takes everything in me not to scream. I'm 23 and still living with my mother. I have crippling social anxiety (so much so that I don't even feel comfortable using the listening aspect on this site) among a long, filthy list of other things I should just "get over."  Because she's so ashamed of me, she tells everyone who meets me that I have Aspergers Syndrome. It's apparently her make-believe excuse. For which one of us, I couldn't say. But I've never even been tested.  And publically announcing my list of possible disorders makes it impossible for me to form relationships with anyone. I haven't had any kind of friendship for over 3 years, and the isolation isn't helping any of my problems. Yet still she demands I be better. Demands I improve. Demands I stop being "sad," anxious, traumatized... and I really just feel like the only part of me that exists is the burden she sees me as.  On top of the way she tends to treat me, she has a new boyfriend. I can't stand him. He hates me... and he scares me. Having him around has brought up old feelings about something that happened to me when I was younger. And now I suddenly catch myself digging at my skin or choking on air. Going into panic mode out of the blue whenever he's around. I don't like being touched by people. Particularly men I don't trust. Her boyfriend KNOWS this. And KNOWS I have anxiety. He mocks me for it and does everything he can to instigate every negative emotion out of me that he can. And I can only hide it so well. If I start to cry (even out of frustration), I'm yelled at. Told I'm being unreasonable. Oversensitive.  According to the people who know, that "something" never happened in the first place. And anxiety alone apparently isn't enough to "justify" my sensitivity. I'm just... I'm so overwhelmed lately. My anxiety is at it's peak. And I just want to get better. I want to get away from her. From everyone. Turn my life around. Be independent. Get things done. I'd be perfectly content living in a SHACK in the middle of the woods, but sometimes it almost feels like you need to be wealthy just to be poor.  And even so, I can hardly leave the house without breaking down. And I have no motivations beyond wanting the stress to end. I just feel like everything's slipping away from me. Including myself. And I just feel... void. And now I'm constantly trying to justify myself not just to her... but to me. Awful feeling. Really awful feeling.  
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