Alienguts Member Profile

...See more Hey, hey. Warning: Mention of trauma, s*icide, s*lf destructive actions, s*xual abuse and uh I cuss sometimes. *I haven't been diagnosed with BPD yet, though both my therapist and psyciatrist believe I have it. So do I. My mother has BPD too as well as some of my friends* I've seen a therapist for the majority of my "teen" life, I'm currently eighteen. I was diagnosed with major depression, generalised anxiety and "signs of social anxiety" at thirteen or fourteen I believe. After that, I've been in therapy although with six different therapists. It never helped much at all, but I've come to realise it's because I didn't want help back then, my mental illness was eating me up. My current and sixth therapist has helped me so much, though. She's amazing, to say the least. The older I get the more signs of Borderline I start showing, and it's tearing me apart. As my therapist told me once "You've had a traumatic life, life has traumatised you", *I.e I've been verbally abused by my mother, neglected for days on end, threatened by her, assaulted by a cop, s*xually assaulted a good five times, by dad's an alcoholic, my father figure k*lled himself, my mum tried to k*ll herself and made it my responsibility to make sure she didn't die, and other things, hahaha.* But because I turned eighteen this year, I won't be able to see my therapist anymore. I'm freaking OUT about it, my stability depends on me seeing her! The times where there's been more than two weeks between our sessions, I've relapsed or gotten severely depressed. I'm literally addicted to seeing my therapist, I can't function if I don't! I need that *one* stability in my life, nothing's ever been stable in my life, I'm not stable, none of my relationships are. Therapy was the only thing I had, and now I won't be able to have that anymore. My mother can't afford sending me to therapy at a private therapist, she can barely afford rent and I have to pay for everything else in our home. I'm not even sure I want to get a new therapist, I don't want to start over again, I don't want to live through all of my trauma again. I can't handle that. I'm so fucking fragile and my therapist is the ONLY one who's been able to look at me once and know that, it takes everyone else months to figure me out, but she did it so quick, we just clicked. I've always thought my other therapists acted apathetic, I always felt like the only reason they were there was to get money, they didn't care about me, only the money, that's how I felt. But my therapist right now is nothing like that, it's like talking to an old friend. I'm sorry for rambling, I just haven't been able to tell anyone, really. I'll have the rest of April and then no more therapy. I'm STUCK inside with my abusive, mentally ill mother, my best friend keeps on hurting me and fucking with my anxiety and possible BPD even though I've told her how much she hurts me, I feel so lonely. I downloaded a dating app, but I go from adoring someone to finding them annoying and cringy so quickly, I can't DEAL with being without therapy. I'm so scared, I'm so so so so so fucking scared, I don't want to relapse, I don't want to go to the hospital at five in the morning because I relapsed so hard I had to get stiches. I don't want to engage in toxic relationships anymore, I want to be okay! I want to be happy! I want to be healthy! So, my question is - how do you cope without therapy? What are some things you do, when everything is too much? What are some things you do when everything just seems dull and unimportant? How do you keep yourself "stable"? How am I going to be okay? - Marii.

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