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Amarylliscence
776 M Little Steps
PathStep 21 Compassion hearts22 Forum posts12 Forum upvotes14 Current upvotes14 Age GroupAdult Last activeMarch, 2019 Member sinceMay 29, 2017
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Why do I want to be depressed?
Depression Support / by Amarylliscence
Last post
 June 5th, 2018
...See more Hello, lately I'm feeling really depressed and I just don't know how to handle it anymore. Two days ago I cried for a few hours straight and couldn't stop thinking about how pointless life actually is. We're born to go to school, so we can get a job and make money, then we retire and just wait to die. Of course it's a lot more complicated in real life, but I can't help but see it that way. I'm only 18 years old and just started university, but I feel like I just can't do it anymore. I'm tired of everything and don't see the point of living, breathing, lauging, studying, talking, etc. What's the point of literally anything when I'm gonna die anyway, why would I even bother? When I'm dead, nothing matters anymore. I don't understand why I can't just die right now already, I don't see any difference. That said, I really just felt like just taking a knife and cutting my skin to pieces, I didn't do it because it would hurt my mother so much, she's like the only reason I just can't do it. It really felt like I detached myself from everything, like my aunt could die that day and I would be like "okay, that happens, I don't care", I just felt like nothing wasn't real anymore, that life is an illusion and that nothing or no one could touch me anymore. As you may be able to understand now, this was really a terrible day where I just couldn't handle the depressed thoughts. The next day, though, I woke up, and everything seemed to be just fine. I just had a totally different view on everything again and I could function properly. I wasn't happy or anything, I was just fine, alive and well and even tried to study a bit for my finals. But then I had this feeling that I didn't like to feel that way, I wanted to feel like the day before, I wanted to feel detached from everything again and cry again and I wanted to feel like I wanted to kill myself again. I started thinking about really negative things, hoping I could feel bad again, but I just couldn't get myself as depressed as the day before, although I desperately wanted to. I know this may sound really weird, I should be happy that I had a day where I didn't feel like killing myself any second, but I just didn't, I "liked" that feeling of being hopeless. It made me feel in control of the life I hate so much and made feel like "okay, if I can't do it anymore, I can just kill myself any minute, nothing or no one is real, it's just an illusion, you love no one and no one loves you, so it's okay to kill yourself" (besides my mom then). Is it normal that I want to feel that bad again? If I feel like that, will I ever get better from my depression? Maybe I'm just made to be depressed, just like other people are made to be happy. Depression may be my state of "normal" when for others it's an illness. I just don't know anymore and wanted to know if anyone else feels this way. Or maybe anyone who agrees with me on the seemingly pointless life we're all living when we could literally all just kill ourselves right now and humanity would just be gone, no more problems to be solved, no more diseases, no more nothing, wouldn't that be better for everyone? Thank you in advance, I hope you're all doing well.
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I can't stop counting words, letters, etc.
OCD & Related Behaviors / by Amarylliscence
Last post
 June 1st, 2017
...See more Hello lovely people, I was wondering if anyone could help me stop counting every word I read. It's so frustrating and exhausting, with every sentence I read, I count the amount of words, syllables, letters or even the amount of "movements you have to make with a pen" to write the letters, if that makes any sense. I've been doing it for years (I'm 18 now and going to university), but I just can't stop doing it. With the upcoming finals I find it very hard to actually focus on studying and reading the words in my books, instead of just counting them. It doesn't even stop with counting, I split the amount of syllables/letters in even groups, or at least try to make satisfying groups of an amount of letters, words or syllables. I'll give an example: "I can not stop counting" has 5 words, 6 syllables and 19 letters. Since 19 isn't an even number, I add 1 and divide by 2 so I get 10. Then I count the letters again and say these numbers in my head: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. That way it's a satisfying order for me and I can continue with my life, or rather wait till I see a new sentence to do this with. It's so exhausting, I do it all the time. Even when I'm in my bed with a song stuck in my head or even just some thoughts, I count them all. I keep looking for more complicated ways of ordering the numbers, like: 1, 2, 3, 4, 3, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4, 3, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4, 3, 2, 1 (for the same sentence used earlier). I just want to stop doing it, even taking a "relaxing bad" ends up in counting the words (mostly brands) on the shampoo bottles and such. Currently the biggest problem is I think I'm literally going to fail my exams because I can't study like a normal person, it frustrates me so much, why can't I just stop doing it. It's so stupid and I feel like my brain is just broken or something, why do I keep counting? It literally is not of any use or brings nothing positive in my life. So why can't I just stop? Sometimes I stay awake for hours because I can't stop counting every thought that pops into my head, it even gets that bad that I have to lay down on my hands so I can't move them (and therefore can't count on my fingers, which I tend to do a lot). I hope someone can help me, even if it's just someone who has some tips for me which can help to do it less or even stop doing it at all in the long run. All help is really appreciated!
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Everything is making me depressed
Depression Support / by Amarylliscence
Last post
 June 10th, 2017
...See more Hello everyone, I just found this website when looking all over the internet finding a way how to cope with how I feel. I read a lot, but have a feeling like I can never relate 100% to other people's posts, so I thought about creating a topic myself. I'm a 18 year old girl and although I have never been diagnosed with depression (I never told anyone about how I feel) I feel like I might be a bit depressed. At the moment, the only thing I want to do is cry, getting out of bed in the morning is already a huge task, but staying in for too long even causes me more stress, because I should be studying for my exams all day. I'm going to university and study Biomedical Sciences. Exams are getting closer and I am not prepared at all, I feel like I'm going to fail all of them and let everyone down. I barely have friends, to be honest only one. But I feel like I'm being a burden to him, he's the only person I can go to and feel like I bother him talking about my problems all the time. He says he doesn't mind, but I'm so scared he might become sick of me and might find me attention seeking, that he'd leave me. I have only met hem in September last year, but he means the world to me. He's the only reason why I could smile again. But since my anxiety and, possibly, depression decided to show up, I am even too scared to talk to him. I don't want to bother him with my existence, I feel worthless and a terrible friend. Who wants a friend who makes everything negative and doesn't even have the energy to smile anymore? As a matter of fact, I have been ignoring him for a few days on Facebook. I haven't even been online because I don't want him to know I'm ignoring him. I know he knows something's wrong with me, but I constantly feel like he doesn't care anyway. I actually want to tell him he should find another best friend, no one wants to be friends with a terrible person like me. This situation stresses me out so much, together with the stress for my exams, that I don't eat anymore. In two months time I lost 8kg. And even when I feel terrible and weak, and feel my heart bouncing all day with the smallest things I do, I don't want to eat anymore. Now that I've seen how easy it is to lose weight so quickly, I only want to lose more weight. All my clothes have become too big and it's a great feeling. It feels like a compensation for the terrible feelings I'm having. My BMI is currently 17.8 and I stand on the scale for at least 2 times a day. I know this is a very unhealthy situation, last week I almost passed out and started hyperventilating just because I had barely eaten anything for almost a week. I really can't tell anyone about this, my best friend last year went anorexic and had to go to a hospital for over 6 months. I know I won't ever let it come that far, but the thought scares me anyway. Besides all that, I feel terrible about myself, the few female girls I know are all pretty and super selfconscious, when I can't even stand looking at the mirror for too long. I hate myself and I think I always will. My mom is suffering from bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder, and I'm frightened I might get these as well, as they are possibly inheritable. Sometimes I really frighten myself with my thoughts, last week I was suddenly searching the internet for the least painful ways to die or kill yourself. I was so scared with what I was doing, I don't even want to kill myself, it's more like existing is asking too much energy, everything I do feels like I don't deserve to live and that I shouldn't be alive in the first place. Sometimes I wish I was never born or that a car will hit me on the streets, that way I'm not responsible myself. I would never kill myself, and I'm really sure about that, I couldn't cause that much grieve to my family. I realise I am talking about all very different stuff at the same time, and feel like a fool and a burden having written this. My problems aren't even that bad and I know lots of people have it way more worse, but I just needed to write this off of me. Besides, literally everything is making me depressed, even if it's just putting on clothes, walking to the bathroom, even laughing, talking or breathing is asking too much of my energy. I feel so empty inside that I can't bring up any reason or motivation why I would still talk, everyone is better off without me, and it's not like I need any friends. I'd rather be sad alone all by myself, than pull others with me in this endless cycle of negativity and sadness. One more thing, I have a form of obsessive compulsive disorder where I force myself to count everything. Studying has become harder than it already is, because I'm more busy counting sentences, syllables, letters or even serifs of which words exist. It's making me go crazy, I can't stop it. When I'm laying in bed at night, I sometimes have to lie down on my hands, just because I keep counting every thought I have in my head. It can take hours for me to fall asleep, especially when I'm thinking about lots of stuff and my mind can't stop counting. If I think "I'm never going to pass chemistry", I immediatley count and know that it's 6 words, 10 syllables and 27 letters. It's so exhausting and I can't stop doing it. So basically, I feel like a mess, I cry all the time, I feel bad for crying because I should be studying, I'm scared I'm gonna fail all my exams because I just can't get myself to study, I feel like a burden to everyone, I feel like everyone hates me and will leave me because I keep isolating myself (I haven't talked to anyone for days), I blame others for not wanting to talk to me when the problem is with myself, I wouldn't want to talk to me either, I am completely lost and scared that if I keep losing weight I might get organ failures and such. At the other side, I want to keep losing weight and that after a while I'll become so weak that I can't even do anything anymore, then I wouldn't have any more responsibilities. After all I feel like this is all completely unnessecary because my problems are literally nothing against others. I don't even want to post this anymore, but I'll still do it since maybe there's someone out there who'll listen. I'm very sorry if I have wasted anyone's time, I already hate myself for it. I'm not hoping for a cure or anything, just maybe someone who can provide me some tips to make me feel better about myself and cope with the anxiety and possible depressed feelings. If there's anyone who has dealt with the obsessive counting, please let me know and share any possible help with me. Everything is greatly appreciated. Sorry again for wasting your time and sounding like an attention seeking burden. (I even feel like a burden by calling myself a burden multiple times, this is probably the reason everyone hates me)
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