Amyrea Member Profile

...See more I really want to know what I really want, what I feel. I am so confused and I think so much about it! Long story as short as possible: I have been in a relationship with B for 5 years. He has a geniuine gold heart, he is really a good soul. I am his first girlfriend and he has no experience. He apparently is neutral toward sex and he never touches me. We met and started dating in 2012 and we broke up in winter 2017. The period between 2012 and 2014 has been the best years of my life, I was happy, I was finishing my university and had great learning opportunities. In those years he was always with me, we did a lot of things and we were truly happy. Not perfect, though, because we always had different needs, I need sex a lot more than him and I started getting frustrated, slowly. 2015 was a difficult year for me, he was always on my side. We started to go to gym together. The frustrations adds up, there are a lot of things of him that I can't understand, for example he hates the house where he lives, for that reason we never sleep together there, we don't move out together. My job is shitty at this point, but I could afford half rent anyways. We don't even talk about it because he can't stand that place. I have the feeling that this thing is more strong that the love he feels for me. 2016 was the worst year ever, the frustrations led me to look elsewhere. We started to talk about it, we are both aware that our lack of communication is a problem, but we are really both so bad at it. I say all the things that I can't understand about him, the things that makes me unhappy, frustrated and sad. He doesn't say much to me, he genuinely fell off the tree because for him it was all perfect. In July we take a break, then we get back together, giving us a chance. We go on holiday together and we were happy. But in September things gets back to normal and nothing changes. When I stop to go to the gym, he becomes too lazy to go. In 2017 the things between us don't change: no improvements, all the talks for nothing. 2017 brings a lot of changes in my life anyways, I decide to prepare myself to find a job and move to another country. The job I really love is nearly impossible to find in my country. He doesn't say anything, except that he knows that it's important for me. In the end of the summer, after an holiday together, I packed my stuff and moved in the new country (2h flight from home). Things starts well, moving is a bit difficult but I am determined because I found a job I love. We talk everyday and he comes to visit me just 2 weeks after the moving. During the following weeks I started to get attracted to the guy A, in the new city. I go back at home after less than one month and I see B again, but when I go back to my new country I start to be really interested in guy A. After a few weeks I feel really annoyed when I hear B at the phone and I say to him that I need some time, I start to be confused. Two months later I am still clueless about what to do, in the meanwhile I started seeing A without thinking too much about what I was doing. When the winter arrives I go back home for some days and I see B again, we have a nice afternoon outside and then I fall asleep peacefully on his sofa. When I go back in my new city I start to feel bad and cry everyday. I continue to see A, I have some health problems and he helps me a lot. End of December I go back home: I don't know what to do. We talk and I cry so much, we kind of break up but he wants me to really think about it and I want it too. He finally said something to me: he doesn't trust me anymore but he wants to build trust again. He is finally aware that he closed up himself over the last year and half instead of opening to me. I feel like I am not giving him a final chance. Today I am feeling terribly bad, I cry everyday because of my situation. I am seeing A but I am absolutely not sure about it. I am also missing B and I can't bear with the feeling of loosing him for real. --------------------------- If I have to list all the thing that weren't working: - No talking - No passion - No sex: first year was barely ok (1/week), 2nd and 3rd alreayd not enough, maybe 1/month. Last 2 years, no sex at all. - Hate for the house. His hate for the house prevented us to stay together more, he never wanted to sleep or move there. - Everytime there was something to do, I had to ask him several times AND continue asking for updates or nothing happened. Really annoying. - Waste of money and food on his side. - I gave him a bottle full of activities to do together but nothing happened. After a talk a year later I discovered that he wasn't interested in most of them but he never cared to inform me about it. I could have gone with a friend at least, but I really wanted to do it with him. - Everytime we met it was all the same routine, with the annoying part that I had to go back home because he hated to sleep there. He sleeps at his parents' house. Things I love of him: - Kindest soul ever. He really cares, he wants to see me happy. He is even good looking! - We shared a lot of uncommon interests and habits. - We enjoyed each other company, we are both not social and we found our little world. - Even after all this mess he wants to try again, he thinks he can fix things, he is hurt but I can see he really loves me. - Absolutely calm and never even yelled at me. -------------------------- So now I have to understand what I feel, what to do. Considering that now I live abroad and I don't even know if I will go back to my country. I feel like there's no place for me there to work. I can't survive by doing a job I hate, I tried but it's 8 hours/day of my life, I want to do what I love during my days! How can I understand what I really want?

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