Aryadhar Member Profile

...See more I'm not sure if anyone is going to read this because it can get very draggy and I am sorry for that. He always fall asleep whenever I am crying. I always feel this lack of attention from him and despite him physically being present with me, it feels like he is not here with me. It might be 1 year ago where I started seeing him as the one that I do not wish to marry, not because I don't love him anymore but I dread of the future with him as I can still see myself crying a lot, I don't see a happy marriage with him. I always do blame myself for being a very sensitive and emotional women, and I pondered alot about whether it is due to the things he did not do for me or just me over thinking. So basically only quarrels always seem to link to the same exact problem but it can never be fix because when I tried to address the issues, he would link it to another scenario and another and another.. it's never ending and overlaps the first issue that I was trying to address so in the end I always just gave in and said sorry for everything and blame it on my emotions. He lied to me multiple times throughout this relationship but he never once cheated. Reason being why he lied and hide things from me was because he said that he was afraid of how I might react negatively to the things he does. Eg. smoking, drinking, hanging out with friends.. I used to be a very controlling attached gf disliking him for not prioritising me than any other things but about 5 years in out rs I had grown and changed, realising what I did in the past is toxic. All my friends can see my changed and they watched me struggled a lot in this rs and asking me to leave him instead. They used to blame me a lot for treating me horrible but this is not the case now. He is really a very decent and nice guy but to me it feels like he is trying to make things up with me but yet not putting much effort or rather, it's an temporary effect. I gave him space, the alone time that he wants, I did not bother him when he went out drinking smoking or doing whatever he want with his friends, I texted him less, I did everything he wanted me to but it feels like I'm not being appreciated or recognising for growing to be a better person for him. things that I told him to improve on eg. he can game all he want but allocate 1 hr of undivided attention to me, keeping his words and promises, to hug me/ not fall asleep when I am crying, to be more vocal, communicate and listen, like really listen carefully and not just expressing his own thinking and assuming what is mine, he can't do it or rather effect again. There are just so much things going on between us and it's very difficult for me to summaries everything up. But basically I kept on hoping that things will change for to better and I am still holding on to this rs because I know that we truly love one another but this is getting very very draining and tiring for me. Without interacting with him, my day goes on normally, I feel happier too but when thing goes wrong while interacting with him (which is almost every single day) all my feelings came weighing down on me and I broke into tears and the shape pain that I felt everytime this happened is killing me bit by bit mentally. I am really trying my best to get through to him and he always seems to understand it but it always last temporarily. I don't know how Long I can hold onto this rs and what I should do about it right now. It always feel like there is still hope btw us..

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