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Barniecle
1 2,977 M Hopeful Heart 7
PathStep 4 Compassion hearts146 Forum posts18 Forum upvotes46 Current upvotes46 Age GroupAdult Last activeOctober, 2025 Member sinceFebruary 13, 2017
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Is this incompatibility or wrong?
50 & Over Community / by Barniecle
Last post
 October 21st, 2024
...See more My husband never stands up for me. It's become an ongoing conflict and I can no longer tell if we are just incompatible in this way or if one of us is wrong. It bothers me most when someone is rude to me and he is still nice to them. Enthusiastic even. Ive asked him to show a strong front of neutrality when this happens, meaning that he doesn't need to be rude in return or do anything about it, just not be so nice. He says Im asking him to change who he is and that he doesn't want strangers to dictate his behavior. He then exaggerates my request of neutrality saying that I'm asking him to be rude. And that ihis response has to be what I want instead of what he wants. But in refusing to reach an understanding, isn't he doing just that? I told him it's embarrassing to me when he so friendly towards people who are rude, like he is sending the message that it's ok to treat his wife this way and that we don't have a united front. I told him I feel unloved when he behaves this way because it seems to me that men typically protect those they love. And that while it's fine for him to not want to change his character when people are rude to him, I'm a different person in the equation whose feelings should factor. It's basically a stalemate but I find myself losing respect for him because I think cowardice and people pleasing are at the root of it. I feel like second to total strangers. Which one of us is wrong?
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Fair or fair weather?
50 & Over Community / by Barniecle
Last post
 October 14th, 2024
...See more My sister and her husband were not there for me during a very difficult time in my life. In fact, they found reasons to be mad at me, even when they were at fault for things. Years later, when I brought this up to my sister, she acknowledged it and proceeded to explain that her husband sees mental illness as"disruptive" and "inconvenient." I got the sense that she was really speaking for both of them but was just putting it on him. I'm still torn on how to feel because, well, mental illness is those things, but aren't you supposed to be there for someone you care about anyway? It really seems like they care very little about me.
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Adult sibling betrayal
General Support / by Barniecle
Last post
 October 1st, 2024
...See more Hello all, I'm (f,48) having an issue with my sibling (f, 50). It actually happened about 10 years ago but I'm am still dealing with it emotionally. I was in the midst of a nervous breakdown which lasted for years since the cause couldn't be resolved. During that time I had strong suicidal ideation, which I made my sister aware of. She never checked in to make sure I was okay and over the years never brought it up or showed compassion. I figured she was just uncomfortable with it and didn't know how to handle it, so I didn't hold it again her. I believed she had my best interest at heart. As happens under intense emotional strain, I began to act out of character. Nothing dramatic, just like staring a lot, having delayed reactions, numbing out, etc. This next part is hard to explain, I can't really make sense of it still, but my sister had made some changes to her appearance and suddenly started calling herself hot and believed that the changes in my behavior were because I was jealous of her. She started preening around, trying to provoke reactions out of me that aligned with this view. It didn't work, because she completely misread the situation, but I was deeply hurt by it. It felt like she didn't take my mental health seriously and was even willing to use me during a dark time to feed her ego. Incidents like these have been happening wherever I see her, though they are more toned down now. I was really forced to reevaluate my perception of her. I had given her so much benefit of the doubt over the years but had to realize that the childhood bully she was never went away, just shifted into something more subtle. She has been highly critical, mean, dismissive, and bossy over the years but also sometimes supportive. t's confusing. When I confronted her, she denied everything which then felt like another betrayal, and just insult to injury. l still can't move though the pain of this because we weren't able to have an honest conversation. I feel used, dismissed, belittled. I have considered going no contact but in some ways she's seems supportive, though now I'm not sure if that's really true or if it's an act. I guess the question is, how do I move on when I'm mired in cognitive dissonance?
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Broke up with a friend today
50 & Over Community / by Barniecle
Last post
 August 3rd, 2022
...See more Hi all, first time here. Hope this is the right place to post this. Looking for perspective on how to handle the end of a long term friendships. Or relatable antidotes. I met him in college, we dated for 2 years and then cultivated a friendship in the subsequent two decades. We grew into adults together. In our late 30s, we both married, me first then him. Shortly after his marriage, his wife became uncomfortable with our friendship, despite the fact that we barely spoke and live on opposite coasts. He text only on my birthday after that and I on his. Today I confronted him about whether or not he, himself - not her, wanted to maintain the friendship. He said he did but wanted to remain on good terms with his wife. I respect that, that's never been the issue. I just started to feel that maybe he was hiding his desire to end it behind her issue. He denied it but finally said he no longer wanted contact. This was all by text. He was terse, unemotional, and I felt like I was being handled. It was insulting... I not sure how to feel. I told him I want the best for him, I just felt I deserved more honesty about it. Am I wrong for feeling I deserved an explanation?
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