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Basilstorm
1,630 M Little Steps 6
PathStep 85 Compassion hearts42 Forum posts53 Forum upvotes65 Current upvotes65 Age GroupAdult Last activeFebruary, 2021 Member sinceOctober 2, 2015
Bio

lesbian, she/her. anxiety, bipolar, autism

Recent forum posts
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fictional character in my head protects me from trauma
Trauma Support / by Basilstorm
Last post
 February 1st, 2021
...See more since i was a young kid i've had a fictional protector, it seems to stem from a mix of autism (special interests), maladaptive daydreaming, and trauma. when i was younger they served as my guardians as my parents gave me very little attention and hit me and emotionally abused me. when i was groped they started being superpowered characters who never lose and constantly protect me. they are in my head all the time, processing everything for me before allowing me to be in the moment, so i usually have a buffer period of between .5 seconds and 15 seconds where they're experiencing, filtering, and explaining to me. they're closer to me than anyone, and no real life relationship can compare to my relationship with my protectors
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No one blames my abuser
Trauma Support / by Basilstorm
Last post
 March 2nd, 2020
...See more When I was 11ish, I was groped in a room full of people for about half an hour. No one noticed until he picked me up and tried to carry me away. He ruined my life, ruined who I was as a person. This boy was in his late teens or early twenties. And no one was upset with him when they caught him, because he was severly autistic. All it took was the mother coming over and saying he was "mentally disabled" for my mom to say it wasn't a big deal. "He didn't know what he was doing," my mom explained to me at the time. No one pressed charges, he didn't face any consequences. Yet my life was destroyed because of it. Everyone forgave him, except me. I don't think I ever can.
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Just Bipolar or Something More? Please Help?
Bipolar, Schizophrenia & Psychosis Support / by Basilstorm
Last post
 February 23rd, 2018
...See more It feels like there is something fundamentally wrong with me, besides what I've already been diagnosed with. I don't care about anyone I know, with only one exception. My family who constantly sacrifices for me, I only need because I'm a minor and I want them to pay for my college when I graduate high school. If anyone besides my parents (who make money) died I would not care, to the point where I was actually excited by my grandfather's death because it irritated me to have to see him maybe three times a year. I fought my way out of having to attend his burial and wake. Once I get a degree I'm going to leave and they can wither and die for all I care. My siblings are nothing but an irritant. The only reason I seek out friends is for group assignments in classes, and as soon as high school is over I plan to cut all ties. I hate socializing so much that I pretend to fall asleep, fake sickness, and make up complete lies to avoid talking to people who are considered my friends. I just broke up with my girlfriend because I was only dating her out of boredom and slight pity (not empathy, the difference must be stated; I don't ever feel bad for people, but I commonly think of them as sad and pathetic) and while she was threatening to kill herself I was celebrating that I wouldn't have to deal with her as much anymore. I said there was an exception - it's my best friend. She's the only one I willingly talk to or care about, but even then, I still regularly avoid her because I don't feel like socializing. Still, she occasionally makes me feel more normal. My favorite thing to do is lock all the doors in my house and listen to music while daydreaming because it makes me feel things, even in my usual numb state, but when Im not allowed to do that I get irrational to the point where I was once reduced to a hysterical heap on my floor, screaming until my throat was raw and sobbing. I already have all kinds of shit going on including bipolar disorder, anxiety, severe suicidal thoughts and likely autism. I spent a week of my summer in a psychiatric ward being zombified by a huge amount of drugs, though it wasnt the worst I ever felt its the time I got caught. In 9th grade I was completely delusional to the point where I had meltdowns in school because I believed people could hear my thoughts. I also thought I was the only real person in the entire world, and everyone else existed to make a realistic world for me to live in, constantly lost track of time to the point where I tried to walk out of school second period because I thought that the day was over, hallucinated things in my house coming towards me, and was convinced I had died and went to purgatory for several straight weeks. When I told my mom about these things she just laughed at me and now routinely makes jokes about that time. No one else noticed despite how often I would have complete breakdowns. I have to go to therapy at least weekly, but usually Im there twice a week. I constantly lie and spew bullshit to my two therapists and psychiatrist, who then tell my mom how nice it is to have an open, honest patient who wants whats best for herself because they have no idea who I am. They just know I reached a low point with suicidal thoughts in 9th grade, not about anything else. My conversations with others constantly feel shallow and unconnected. I have no emotional bonds with anyone, and no one I can routinely confide in because my best friends parents take away her phone every moment shes not at school. I cant handle being touched by other people and I get unreasonably angry whenever Im not alone. I share a room with my sister but when she tries to come in while Im already in there, it makes my limbs twitch and makes me want to kill her. Ive had several meltdowns when people refused to leave me alone that left me rolling from side to side, head back, tears streaming down my face as I wildly thrash around. When I have meltdowns I feel like one of those stereotypical people who are possessed by the devil in a horror movie except I'm still partially conscious but I can't stop it. I cant handle repetitive sounds, fast talking, or noises without getting an irremovable urge to claw my skin open or murder whoever is making the noise. I repeatedly imagine certain methods of suicide in extreme detail, like the time I pictured slamming my moms kitchen knife through my left forearm to the point where it could have really happened. For the week that that was in my head, whenever she wasnt home I would trace that knife over my arm past the first freckle and then raise it like I was about to slam it down, hear the gruesome crack of bone, lift my arm and see the knife going straight through to the other side. Ive started having breakdowns in class when I cant handle anything anymore but I play it off as anxiety caused by my noise sensitivity instead of anger/violent urges. Im so fucking tired of everything.
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Please help me figure out if my best friend's parents are abusing her?!
Trauma Support / by Basilstorm
Last post
 December 15th, 2017
...See more Her parents have always been overprotective to the extreme. The earliest time I can remember hanging out with her was when we were in second grade and her mom screamed at her for running on pavement. That summer, her appendix was inflamed and then burst and she had to undergo a dangerous surgery which might be what made them so much worse. I'm not really sure. Last year, we tried to start dating but her parents who never liked me much were even worse then they had been. We broke up but they're still acting so overprotective that they completely changed our friendship to the point where I'm not even sure if we're still friends. She now doesn't hesitate to make sharp remarks to me and it feels like she ignores me all the time now. I think her parents may have convinced her so thoroughly that I was dangerous for her that it wore off. Today she told me a lot about her family. The reason she hasn't been texting anyone is because her parents don't let her use her phone at all on the weekends and only for homework on week days. She isn't allowed to leave the house without at least one of them. She can't go to sleepovers with us because her parents don't trust us but we've had the same friend group since kindergarten. She has about half an hour of free time after her family goes to sleep in which she can use her phone, but they check it constantly so that she now obsessively deletes her texts, history, and apps to the point where she can't sleep from her anxiety if she doesn't check more than three times. Her mom and dad regularly tell her siblings that they will not be allowed to have phones till they're 18 because of her, so all of them are pissed at her even though she hasn't done anything. She has absolutely no privacy, they check her phone nearly every night and don't always plug it back in, leaving her with not enough power to get through the day. And trust me, she doesn't have anything inappropriate on her phone. She deletes everything from our friends group chat and all we ever text about is how hard the homework is and how irritating school is. She is ultra paranoid about everything and she isn't even doing anything wrong. She described one situation to me earlier, about how she had downloaded Snapchat to send stuff to me and two other friends. She had left the app not open but in one of the apps still running, and her mom stormed into the room to ask what she was doing. When she tried to lie, her Mom ripped her phone out of her hand, told her dad, and then they started screaming at her for nearly an hour. This is what led to the no phone on the weekend rule. Her parents in the past have refused to let her get a haircut; not even a rebellious haircut, mind you. She wanted a bob, and it took her four months to convince them. They frequently reduce her to tears because they are constantly lecturing her and yelling at her. Her parents commonly try to turn her siblings against her and each other. They are furious with her for not being allowed to have phones. When she tried to come out to her parents they started being worse about that and she now isn't allowed to talk to them about anything even slightly resembling that stuff. Her parents have also trained her youngest sister to report everything she says back to them. Once she admitted out loud that she couldn't wait to be 18 and "get away from this place". Her sister parroted this back to both parents and they yelled at her until she was crying. The saddest thing is how accepting she is of it. She makes jokes about how her brother still asks their parents to change their minds about minuscule things and how he "still has hope". She has just kind of come to peace with the fact that she's stuck in this godforsaken home until she goes to college. I'm not sure why her parents hate me, exactly, but this might be important because I have a feeling this goes for the rest of her friendships too. I am a straight A student, I am in 5 clubs, I play one instrument and am teaching myself two more, I am respectful and quiet in school, and I am excessively polite and have never so much as said "crap" in front of them. When I did start cursing more in school, it was actually because of my friend! I spent a ton of time with her and picked up the habit. However, her parents are essentially convinced that I am the spawn of Satan. They won't let her text me, or contact me in any way, and I have a feeling they've been manipulating her into distrusting me over the summer. They have complete control over her social life. I know her. This isn't a 'snobby teen girl gets punished' story, this is a 'teen girl is terrorized by her cruel parents with punishments for things that she didn't do'. I think that no one realizes how completely restrictive they are besides me. They appear to be a perfect family, and my mom has often commented on it. An intelligent, semi wealthy, little league coach father, and a mother who is a teacher but still spends most of her time caring for her children and is the type of mom who makes brownies to give to the Girl Scout troop just because she felt like being kind. My friend is the oldest, very smart, fairly attractive, straight A's. She plays a sport, and an instrument, and does clubs. Her younger brother is kind and from the outside they appear to have that ideal sibling relationship with no fighting and mutual adoration. Her younger sisters are twins, one who looks just like her. That sister is smart and loves to read, and the other one is a social butterfly (also the one who reports to her parents). My point is, they're a model family from the outside but all four children are miserable while their parents enjoy having complete control over someone else's life. My friend is so overrun by anxiety, and has so little freedom, that it's a wonder she hasn't killed herself, because I know I would with all that going on. She has no privacy, her parents have no respect for her, and she isn't even allowed to talk in her own home without her sister reporting back what she says to her parents. It seems like they're messing her up really bad. I know they're not physically abusive, but I'm worried that this is an unfixable kind of mental and emotional damage. Is she being abused, and if so, what should I do?
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So Tired of Everything
Anxiety Support / by Basilstorm
Last post
 March 6th, 2016
...See more My social anxiety is severely impacting my school life. I can't form any new friendships or even become acquaintances with someone. My grades are plunging. I've dropped from A's to B's and they keep falling, despite my constant struggle to improve them. I can't work up the courage to go in for extra help. I can't work up the courage to tell my teachers when they put in a grade wrong. Even when they accidentally leave it blank, I'm too scared to tell them. I'm on three different sports teams and I know for a fact (not just magnifying it) that 90% of the people hate me. I stopped feeling real awhile ago and the only emotion I feel is anxiety. My religious faith is suffering as well- I haven't been to church in months. I still get nervous from church because I passed out there once in front of everyone (due to a mix of not eating and pneumonia) and they had to call an ambulance and carry me out. I can feel my life starting to slowly crumble around me.
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