BeBrave13 Member Profile

Random quotes which explain better than I can myself

Journals & Diaries / by BeBrave13

November 30th, 2015

wtf!!

Journals & Diaries / by BeBrave13

July 29th, 2015

...See more I've always been so patient and tolerable with people, never said a bad word or thing out of place, was always scared to give or even have an opinion in case someone disagreed and then didnt like me. But I think since the start of this year, I'm lashing out at everyone. Constantly. I've driven so many people away, I've been called abusive, cruel, harsh, rude etc (even today) I'm so frustrated and trapped in my living situation that every little thing now pisses me off. I always knew I was poison and that I would poison people, and now its come true. I have so much hate, anger, bitterness, jealousy, scorn, disdain etc inside of me, 35 years of feeling and being made feel worthless, all boiling up and spilling out. Its horrible how I am now, I've become the very things I always despised, and yet I don't know how to stop it. I know depression is often described as anger turned inwards. I think it's true in my case. So much I need to say but no one wants to listen. Everyone is so used to me not speaking, they dont even try. When I used to self harm it was always worse and deeper when I was angry, because of the passion and rage behind it. I talked about it with an occupational therapist I saw briefly and he just said it was better to take it out on people around me then to cut myself. I dont agree though, I can deal with being harmed, I dont matter, but other people do. I'm hurting everyone around me cos I feel like I dont matter to anyone, And I'm angryI cant act on my constant suicidal thoughts because theyll all be annoyed having to pretend to be upset. And ill always be remembered as selfish. Well maybe if they bothered enough to notice whats right in front of them and try to help. Im so tired i keep forgetting what i want to write. Also typing is weird on this site. Maybe I should sleep and I might remember tomorrow. I'm sorry to write so much. .

Long time sufferer

Depression Support / by BeBrave13

December 5th, 2014

The end

Safety & Knowledge at 7 Cups / by BeBrave13

November 25th, 2014

...See more I don't know how much I'm allowed say about this, I don't want to break any rules or upset anyone. But I have these thoughts that I can't tell anyone. I don't want to make anyone worry or seem attention seeking. But I don't want to be here anymore. It's more that I feel I shouldn't be here. I cause too much trouble. I don't have a plan but I have a date set. It just seems like the right thing to do, to leave and let people get on with their lives without all the shit I cause them. But I feel guilty because people always say it will ruin everyone's life etc. but surely being alive and upsetting everyone is worse? I'm mostly afraid for my niece and nephew, in case it scars them for life. They're only 3 and 5 and I wonder if they're young enough that they'd forget, or would it really traumatise them. I just don't know.. But the more things that happen everyday give me more proof that this is the right thing to do. I had my psych appointment two weeks ago. I told him I've been thinking about it but now that I have a date set and am trying to figure out a plan. I was talking to my cousin who actually works for a suicide charity but I could tell her either. I had to joke around and make her laugh. I don't want my family to know. I've put them through more than enough with all my shit. I don't know what to do. I know I won't do it but knowing I can keels me going, which sounds ironic but knowing this doesn't have to be forvever and there's a way out is good to know.

Overcame some stuff

Motivation & Accountability / by BeBrave13

January 28th, 2015

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