Bergamot68 Member Profile

...See more Disclaimer: I didn't want to post in April "Intro" because it's May 2nd and I felt that would be odd. I apologize ahead of time to moderators if this was incorrect. So...hello. I guess this is where I tell you about myself, and hopefully I can be a part of something where others understand the insanity that feels uncontrollable. I'm 32, female, and very very very lucky. I can write a gratitude list and recognize it and feel it, but as some may know, ONE little thing and suddenly none of it matters and I'm suddenly being nagged by my brain to do something horrible. I just finished reaching out to my husband, who is 75% great on support, but is angry that I have horrible thoughts in the first place. I don't blame him at all for his reaction, it's logical. But I'm here because there is a ridiculously illogical side to my thinking and I do not want it to continue. So here I am. I use the diagnosis c-PTSD, which is basically a nice way of saying that my family sucked and that my reactions are related to PTSD. The "c" is for Complex, but it could easily be called the "child abuse" disorder. It's an easier umbrella than listing all the specifics of BPD, Depression, Eating Disorder, etc... I'm here because I'm aware. And now that I'm aware, I'm scared. And I'm scared shitless. I'm frantically scared. And now, as I write this, I'm calming down and back to "hopeful," but I now realize this can be fleeting by one moment or trigger, which angers me in that it even exists. I live in the horrible cycle of self-sabotage, which is visible in the "interpersonal relationships" category. The premise of everything is that I need to give a **** (edited by sailorelix for language) I need to care about myself enough to take my vitamins. Every day. Because each day that I continue to avoid them, the closer I come to death - I'm essentially being passively suicidal. I don't care about myself enough to survive long-term. I take my psych meds, and all the immediate physically required meds. But because the vitamins are long-term and don't have immediate effects with or without, I don't acknowledge their necessity. I want to care. I'm hoping y'all can help me there. I want to care. About me. I don't know me, but I want to care. I want to believe the basic apparent truth that I deserve to be alive and happy purely because I exist. That my existence matters. On the outside, I'm considered a bit dramatic, but overall wonderful, nice, lovely, ridiculously smart and clever, curious to a serious fault, and an occasionally pitied gal because Daddy and Mommy were mean. I'm 32, it's time to make some sort of peace. I can't care about myself when the only narrative I know is "not good enough." 3 years ago I was snapped out of a straight 18 years of suicidal thoughts. "I forgot the milk, go die." And it's been amazing to see the world this way. And now I have to tackle this. This caring. I want to be a Mom, and I know I'll be a good one. But I have to take my vitamins and be alive to do it. I'm a good listener and helper with these things, and an excellent devil's advocate. I have way too much psychological expertise for my own good, and I deal with disgusting and troublesome health conditions, not all of which are my fault. Some, maybe? Anyway, if you read this far, thank you. Thank you. P.S. If I'm excessively whiny, I do apologize.

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