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To not waste your time, this post is about me dealing with "depression". I use quotation marks because I haven't been diagnosed with it but strongly believe that I have it. I also think I have what's called maladaptive daydreaming. I'm a teenager in high school, male, and gay.
I've had "depression" for about 2 years and it's been getting worst lately which is why I have this little bit of courage to write and post this. This site is a social media platform like twitter and Facebook...since I've never used social media before, this is all new to me. When I join chat rooms people always seem to be having a funny/weird conversation. There's nothing wrong with that, but I haven't come across people actually asking for help though there are probably tons of threads with someone asking for help just like I am...I should move onto the "this is where/why I need help" part.
To start I'll describe my depression. I don't feel sad 24/7, and I know that's not what depression is-at least not in most cases-but I can be happy. I like playing videogames and sleeping and daydreaming about a happy life I know can never happen, not even the most realistic of daydreams. Whenever I think about it, I just tell myself, "I'm just a lazy teenager who doesn't understand the hardships of life", then I just force myself to stop caring. It starts to hurt over time because now, I'm failing school and don't want to start working my seasonal job. That's not much but, if I don't pass high school then no diploma. No diploma means I'll struggle to find a good job. Now that I'm typing this...I just strongly feel like some teenager who wants attention and complains about the struggles of life even though I have next to no responsibilities. I doubt anyone will read this but ill still type for whatever reason, I guess in hopes something good comes of it but i couldn't guess what talking about my "horrible" life will bring me in the end...I got off track again...
Maladaptive Daydreaming and depression go hand in hand, one causes the other. In my case I always like to daydream and still do, MD is like excessive daydreaming to the point where that's the only thing you do in life. Hours go by in what feels like seconds because of my daydreams. I will say, however, it doesn't "distract" me, and by distract I mean in a classroom I have no problem focusing and often can completely focus on my work. "So...is time passing by quickly when you daydream the only problem then?" Well...i don't know. Daydreaming and depression are two connected issues but I cant explain how. For the most part, there's a lot I don't know. Do I have depression? Am I even sad at all? Is MD a real thing? I don't know.
The support I have is low, not to say no-one cares but they don't understand. Like I said I don't know if I have depression so I'm not one to talk but I'm pretty sure my mom telling me things like, "Get over it." "Depression is not an excuse to be failing." is not helpful. She doesn't mean it the way you think, she wants to help but for some reason just cant accept that she doesn't understand what I'm going through. I get it, a lot of teens say this but what she told me was, "I had a daydreaming problem myself. You know what I did? I pushed through it. I made some friends and started being my physically and socially active." Shes helping, that's one thing but you didn't HAVE depression, you WERE depressed. And she didn't have a daydreaming problem either, yes she daydreamed but a huge majority of people do when they're younger. I'm saying i have a serious problem with it. The last time I made a friend was around 5 years ago, right now I have only one who I talk to 2-3 times a year and all we do is play videogames. It's nice but we're not the closest or bestest of friends. I'm trying to say they I have never ranted before so this is where I decided to do it.
In all seriousness, I want to get better. I want to study, be more active, get good grades and enjoy life but some invisible force is holding me down and it's very strong. I get close to tears a lot because my mind just forces me to think about death and the terrible life i have and will continue to have, Sometimes I feel like there's no point in trying because of "what-ifs", what if I get better then somehow die. What if i find a person who i feel happy with and they die. What if something bad happens and i end up suffering more than if i had just died without trying to get better or just continued to be alone and suffer. I wrote a lot and personally, seeing this much to read discourages me from reading it at all.
My depression could be a result of traumatic experiences. When I was seven my dad attempted to murder my mom right in front of me and my older sister. I still remember my dad being pinned down and seeing the balcony covered in blood that had sprayed from my moms back. "Saying" things out loud like this gives me a different perspective of how...I guess crazy, this sounds. There was also one other time where he pinned her and the floor and started choking her. If you're wondering, this happen a long time ago and we're all passed it and they separated, so let's just say I didn't have a fatherly figure in my life, at least not a good one.
I truly feel like there's no hope and that typing all of this and posting it won't lead to anything. I've been typing for an hour and still don't understand what I'm doing. To note: I am not suicidal. Also, don't know if I'm posting this in the right place...
