Bluecrowsings Member Profile

...See more First of all, English isn't my first language so I’m sorry if I make any mistakes. I've been feeling really bad lately and I don't think I can talk about this with anyone around me. The thing is that at the beginning of this year I started to talk to this boy I met on insta (he was one of my friends friend so he wasn't a stranger), and we got along very well since the start. I didn't put much attention to it until I told my friend and she started to act and say things about wanting us two to be together. I won't lie, I didn't reply to any of the stuff she used to bring up because him and I only talked as friends. I saw him as a friend. Just for context, back in 2018 something happened to me that still makes feel bothered or sad at times and most importantly, makes feel impossible to love someone in a romantic way, all this time I’ve been feeling as if something is broken. Since then, I haven't felt anything for anyone, I'm numb. It's something I haven't healed, and it keeps me from relating with others. So, months went by, him and I got really close to each other and my friend kept insisting, I always denied all of that until the day I was fearing the most for came. He confessed his feelings for me. I don't know how I felt, I don't remember it; but I felt sad because he was being someone important to me and didn’t want to lose him. I didn't go much into detail, I told him that I felt flattered, but I wasn't ready for any kind of relationship at the time, nor I had the emotional maturity to have one. He answered in a very gentle way that I could take all the time I wanted and again, I didn’t answer. What I do remember is telling my friend how I was feeling, that it felt wrong, it made me feel bad and anxious like she didn’t had an idea. So, I told her that, and she started to tell me things like I should just try it and go with the flow, that I just needed to get over about what happened and go on with my life; but I just felt guilty. Nothing more. She just told me I was exaggerating and that he was a good guy. A week went by, and there was a day or two left for my graduation. As I said, we were all friends, and after a week or so we agreed to meet up in group, but at the end of the day, we were just the two of us. Only him and I. I don’t know how to put this into words, but he didn’t stop touching me all the time I was there, I just wanted to break free from his arms and the looks people gave us, gave me, made me feel so much worst. That wasn´t what I wanted; I was supposed to have time. I asked for time. I tried to let go but him wouldn’t let me, so in between that hug, he told he had paid the entry fee to go to my graduation. He is two years older than me; he didn’t go to the same school as me. Then he proceeded to ask while he was suffocating me in his arms “do you want me to go?”. You have no idea how I wanted to say no, but in that moment, being like that. How was I supposed to say no? Did I really have an option? I was son afraid of saying no. After that I just felt numb again. Things have been escalating since then, and long story short; we have been now together for three months. Since that day I have just feel as if asked for this, and maybe its true, this all my fault for not knowing how to say no. He’s just too demanding for attention, its worst because we go to the same university, so I don´t have an excuse to not seeing him, if I don’t see him, he just goes and tells me I’m the only person he has left, how I dare to not meet up with him. I just screwed up so bad. I don’t want to be in this relationship. Its not fair for any of the two. But I don’t know how to end things, I can’t even ask my friends for advice because I know I sound like a bad person. I know they are going to point me out as a selfish girl who’s just playing with the feelings of a nice guy. So, what can I do to end things? I feel stuck. If I tell him that I want to end things he’s going to be left out with anyone, I may not love him in a romantic way, but I don’t want that for him; but I just can´t keep up with this because its going to hurt more in the future. Has anyone been thought something like this? What’s the best I can do? I know its my fault, so please don’t be rude :(

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