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Boopei
663 M Embraced 5
PathStep 22 Compassion hearts38 Forum posts35 Forum upvotes55 Current upvotes55 Age GroupAdult Last activeAugust, 2017 Member sinceJune 14, 2015
Bio

I love the magic of life in general. I'm an optimist (most times) and I like to believe in such things as romance and love at first site.

Recent forum posts
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How to let go of the life you thought you'd have?
Anxiety Support / by Boopei
Last post
 June 19th, 2016
...See more I've recently turned 35, and it's been profound. When you were little did you picture how your life would be, did you daydream about it? I was going to be married to a wonderful man he'd be successful, and I'd have a successful career, have 2 children, a beautiful home by the water, a couple of dogs and do all kinds of fun things. Kayaking, all sorts of sports, trips to Europe, Disney and down south all those sorts of things. I want to believe that can still happen, somewhere deep down, I do, but a LOT has changed from being a little girl/teenager to now. I was raped at 19, and told it must have been my fault - that's stuck with me. My self confidence/self-worth bottom out, I got into abusive relationships and started to gain weight. 3 bad relationships and 16 years later, and I'm 370lbs, and Im trying to fix it, but I have panic attacks and anxiety over life not being what I pictured. My only bros wife is pregnant, I'm going to be an aunt, but I'm too caught up mourning my own "should haves" to be happy for them. Some of my best friends are getting a puppy, the one they have always wanted, and want me to go with them to pick it up. I get sad/anxious just thinking about it Almost every one of my friends are either married or part of a couple. I'm included and asked to be a part of everything, but after a while, I just get depressed because I'm the only one who is alone. Always. I feel like a failure because my life isn't what I wanted. How do I let it go? I want to!
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The harder I try to move on...
Depression Support / by Boopei
Last post
 July 1st, 2015
...See more I'm really depressed lately. I'm worn out. 2 years ago my ex boyfriend conned me, stole all my money, betrayed, heartbroken etc.  I found a great therapist, but she retired on me, so I don't have my sounding board like I used to, even though I have my friends. Recently I found out my ex signed up bills in my name because the creditors are coming after me. All of the healing I did, feels like it's gone. I'm anxious and nervous now, I get calls every day trying to collect on a bill that I didn't sign up for. This is 2 months after I called my trustee for bankruptcy and they said they got it sorted out. I want it gone, everyone is giving me the run around, and today I got another trustee saying all the actions I have to take to get rid of this collections agency.  I'm done. I feel done. My weight has gone crazy, my mood sucks, and I just want to crawl into bed and stay there until life gets better, which I know is irrational, but it's just how I feel.   
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The Past Haunts Me..
Relationship Stress / by Boopei
Last post
 June 20th, 2015
...See more At 19 I was raped and told it was my fault.  At 21 I fell in love with someone, and at 26 he dumped me while I was having a nervous breakdown, and started dating one of my closest friends.  At 26 I started dating someone else, and 6 months later moved 8 hours away to start fresh. When I was 29 he lied to me and dumped me for yet another close friend.  I spent time on my own, healing and just learning to be happy. I lost 100lbs, did Zumba and loved music. I was skeptical of love, but was getting lonely. Then at 31 I found someone. I took it slow, and didn't trust easily, he had to work for it. After a year, I decided it was ok to move in with him and his kids, after introducing him to all my friends and family to see if maybe if I was blinded, maybe they'd see something. And, nothing. They thought he was a great guy.  December 25th, 2013, I found out from his mother that he was with someone else. He lied to her telling her I moved back to the town where my job was. The whole year I was living with him and his kids, he was lying. He manipulated me emotionally, stole all my money to woo his new gf ( I found out later, wife - even his mother didn't know that part). He lied about having a job (any job), gained access to accounts by calling places pretending to be me (no idea how that worked either), and lied to people about me. I almost lost my car, I was homeless, bankrupt, and emotionally.. a mess. If it weren't for my family and friends, I'd probably not be here typing this. I felt like a lost, lonely, failure of life.  It's 1.5 years later and I had done really well. Kept my job and excelled at my job even though all of the fallout of that mess. Finished my bankruptcy, and I'm working on me. I learned a lot from that experience, a LOT. I also gained trust issues and I'm scared of relationships and on some level men - or maybe it just rekindled that fear, I'm not sure. Almost 2 months ago, I was feeling awesome. Happy, bubbly, worry free. Full control of my bills and finances and my own happiness. Did yoga, meditated and was making progress - was just struggling with weight issues, and winning for a change, so that was great, but that's another story.  Then I got a call from a collections agency. Whoa. Stop the bus. I shouldn't be getting a call from any collections agencies, that's the purpose of that bankruptcy!  Turns out my recent ex, signed up for a power bill in my name - sort of. Used part of my name and part of my birthday and made this whole new person, and gave them my work number. Because I had lived with him for 11 months - I had to come good for the money owing. Thankfully, because of the timeframe, it was able to be rolled into the bankruptcy.  But the damage was done.  I'm anxious now a lot of the time, I'm working very hard to keep away depression, some days I just want to stay in bed all day and either not eat anything, or eat everything. I've gained the weight back, and even more weight in the last two months, and I'm scared.  I'm scared I'll be haunted by him forever. I want to move forward, focus on the good and succeed. But after that event 2 months ago.. everything reminds me of him. Everything. I need to figure out how to be free of him, I don't want to feel the pain of missing his kids who called me Mom, I don't want to feel how worthless he made me feel, I don't want to feel afraid of him controlling my life even after he's been gone so long.  I need to get rid of the past, and I'm not sure how to anymore, and I'm scared. I don't want to be mad at myself for that fiasco forever, and I don't want to be stuck in this fat body forever, or alone. And, I'm scared that's what awaits me. 
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