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My boyfriend and I were together about 4 years. We lived together for 3.5. He left me this last Christmas. Things had been a bit shaky for awhile. And neither of us really brought ourselves to eachother with courage to try and fix it. We never had good communication and put up walls this last year to protect ourselves from being hurt. Both of us still felt we had a future, we both wanted things to not be this way between us. But after so long of this he fell out of love with me.
Without meaning to he fell in love with someone else while we were together. I found this out very recently, he didn't tell me this as he left me, but about a couple weeks ago. He said that is how love "should feel" and he never wanted to hurt me. He also said that a relationship with this other woman could have been there, it could have been something more and it just isn't for some reason.
I moved 500 miles to be with this man 3.5 years ago. So when he left me I had no choice really but to move 500 miles back to my home city. So right now we only converse via text.
My ex and I have talked about a few serious issues through text. And it's been hard. He doesn't want to close the door to me. He says "if it comes to that" many times about figuring out things like what to do with the car project we had and splitting it up, etc. He hasn't made any requests of me really. For instance my driver's license is still attached to Kansas, even though I'm in Missouri. He hasn't really pushed me to move my things out of the house. He hasn't asked me to change my address or anything. I asked him if he wanted me to a month ago and he said "I don't know."
He knows I want to work on things. He knows I still love him. But some really bad things happened to me when I moved there and I got so deeply depressed and didn't know how to dig myself out of it. And neither did he. He loved me and tried to get me to see the light so many times and I never did and so his attraction to me faded away. I knew this, and he affirmed it. He is unsure right now if it can come back. He just isn't sure about anything. He says we both need to find ourselves and see where we are at. I asked him if he would be willing to work on our trust and communication until then and he said yes. He's agreed to meet up with me once a month. But we haven't made any actual plans regarding it. What sucks is I sorta already figured myself out. I focused non-stop on my issues, and accepted what I needed to change. Of course I am not 100% cured or better, but I am willing to take this new insight to every situation in my life now. I am now aware and open to it. So I feel now that I am just waiting on him. But it's not something I can push him or help him with. He's got to do it on his own.
I want to be with this man. I've gotten the grasp on my depression. I sorta just woke up one day and decided this is not how I want to live day to day. I want to be happy, every day, all day, with him if I can. I continue to improve myself emotionally and have even gotten a lot of insight on connecting with people and showing empathy and really being aware of others and myself and being present. I only think this could help us. I just don't know how I can from 500 miles away.
I know I just have to give him time. As of right now we plan to meet April 11th. I don't know if he is agreeing to do this because he is keeping his options open, or seeing how he feels after this 3 months apart. I just... I don't really know what he's thinking.
What I do know is that a room in the house is full of my things packed in boxes. He's slowly removing traces of me and packing it away. I know this because I drove there about 3 weeks ago. I just wanted to show him I'm okay and if he could forgive himself and myself for the pain of before it won't be as big of a struggle as it could be. He sees the changes I think. He didn't freak out because I was there. He was taken aback a bit, as I drove 8 hours. It was kinda weird. But I don't know what I can do really. We had a couple good talks. We hung out with friends together. It was a bit weird but I just felt it was necessary at the time. I still feel that it was necessary that I did that.
I'm living in limbo. I don't want to get a job here or get an apartment or anything permanent because I'd really like to see if we are going to try to rebuild our trust again, and slowly, hopefully attraction and passion as well. I know not to put my life on hold. But until April I personally don't want to pursue anything drastic until I know where we stand. He is important to me. Sure, I could move on and find someone else, but I want to share my life with him. That's just how it is.
I'm willing to move back to that area, on my own, get my own place, find a job there. I didn't have any of that before. He took care of me. But I can't jump into that, he might feel trapped if I just say that's what I'm doing. It's a pretty bold step. So I'm waiting until April, hopefully our meetup will happen. And I just want to create good feelings with him again, possibly knock down some walls and I don't know how to approach the subject of me moving to the area. But right now I just don't have anyone to talk to about this stuff. I'm sorta alienating my friends here because my mind is pretty much consumed with what I want to do with myself right now.
I've tried connecting on these sessions with people on here, but they never go through. It always just asks me to wait or cancel. So maybe some people on the forum can offer me some support? I don't know. I hate begging for attention. I just really need to sort out details.
Right now we text daily. But lately it seems he just gives me one or two word answers. So I'm getting a bad sense of foreboding that he is trying to distance himself from me. He always responds. Sometimes he even initiates. But it's just not an emotional connection of any kind, at least he's not sending me any connection texts... Texting is so hard. I send him some fun texts, I send him some serious ones I send him just wahtever is on my mind. He doesn't seem open to phone conversation right now either. I'm really banking on this meetup in April to push things along. Anyone have any insight?
I guess I should add, there's been no insane crap going on between us since the breakup. No anger, no yelling, no begging or pleading on my end. Nothing negative really. At the breakup I just knew I had to fix myself and bring my best self to him to try and fix this whole thing. But this distance thing is really getting me down. I can't just text him and say "hey, wanna grab a drink for a minute?" I know he's trying to sort himself and appears to be open to a future if it does work out that way. I just don't "feel" like this is really setting me up for that best possible chance.
*sigh*
