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Hi, I have had bad mental health for a while but recently its been shot. I keep chickening out of phoning the doctors. I just want to know your opinion on my account for the last few days. Thanks for listening and hopefully replying.
The night before I didn't go to sleep. I was up at a stupid time, about 3 in the evening this time. I knew I had work early the next day but that didn't help with getting up earlier, I dread getting up... It was much better just going back to sleep, back to neutral. Just another reason to hate myself later. So on comes the night, I spent the evening with my partner just gaming and such. He goes to bed about 2 in the morning, I have to leave the house for 6 in the morning... I'm not tired, I already slept for longer about 10 hours. More gaming, more anime, more shows to keep my attention. When time starts to arrive, I start breaking around the edges. I can't deal with them anymore. A team that doesn't work as a team. A "team" with narcissistic bastards and lazy shits who make more work for everyone else. I try to see everyone's point of view but they always start taking the piss. I always want to help everyone, especially those not having the best day so I pick up my work speed to try and help as much as I can with their work. I don't need it to be reciprocated but its hard when you feel you are being used. Or am I being used? The blur between what's real and what's not... Is it just the way I feel or is that how its going down? Am I just being paranoid? The more I think, the less I can take, thoughts rush backwards and forwards through related ideas and it becomes too much to think about until I reach meltdown point and I breakdown in tears for the umpteenth time this week. I'm fucking weak. I am angry and upset that I can't control the stream of tears. The anger at myself gets me more upset. I try to calm down, I know how irrational this is but it doesn't stop. I'm weak. Now as if on que in comes the feelings of self-deprecation. By this point I'm currled up in a ball, on the floor trying to stop the stiff feelings in my shoulders, down my back and pretty much all over. Trying to calm the thoughts, I've tried forcing myself to think another way but all that happens is too sides opposing themselves with equal strength. Overly positive and overly negative; I know the truth is somewhere in the middle but the conclusion won't stick, it has to be one or the other. I am either a really good person or evil incarnate. Suicidal thoughts start to creep through and that's when it gets too much. What do you do when you feel you deserve to die, that everything would be better without you but you want to grip on to life with both hands. Trying to live your life to the fullest even when you just want it all to be shut off at the same time. I curl up on the floor trying to empty my head, it takes about half a hour till I can stand up and get ready for work. The tension in my body is still there, so I keep trying to shake it off. I try to focus on the physical symptoms and how my body feels.; anything to take away from the thoughts. My partner drives me to work, when we are parked outside I break down again, I can't do it. He ushers that I can, I reply back that I have to, we have too much debt.
Work starts off to a bad start, its my first day back from a week off. I start at 0615, the next person is in at 1000. Before 0800 I need to have cleaned all the gantry, clean up the oil behind the fryers (due to the fryer box not working properly the night before and spilling oil everywhere, they decided not to clean it up), I need to change the fryers' oil, I need to clean the walls behind cook line, I need to prepare over 50 steaks, I need to set up all the equipment, I need to clean out all the service freezers (which had chips and peas in them, with the doors wide open so health & safety would have had a field day if they checked to find that), I need to fill up all the server freezers and I need to get the defrost done as well (which could be getting about 100 odd items out the fridge, put a best before on them and put them in the right fridge). In what sane world is that possible? Also, food service starts at 0800 so I need to serve food while trying to catch up.
The cherry on top though was the fryer box not fitting in the right place, I had the pub manager help me as I could not get it. He finally got it sort of in, but a bit later I realised the box was sitting far too forward and if we tried to filter the oil during the day then the oil would go everywhere so I alerted him of this. He started getting stand off-ish with me, arrogantly asking if I could do better and that he can't do any better than that so what do I want him to do. I was really taken aback, I was just stating a problem I realised and relaying that to line management.I nod and apologise then head back to the kitchen. I went into the freezer and broke down, I can't deal with confrontation, especially when I don't know what else to do. More thoughts start swirling again, great. Bouncing between hate towards everyone, towards the manager and his response, to the whoever came up with the rota and to myself. Inwards the hatred goes, slowly dwelling into self hate because I don't want to hate people. Everyone has their point of view, why do I believe it is my right to determine what's right.Another cooldown and back to work. I find myself actively avoiding eye contact with others now, I know anything can set me off when I'm on edge. Not surprisingly, I don't get everything done in time. The gantry and cook line floor istself takes about 30mins to properly do and even then that's me rushing it a bit, I have a phobia of being late so it pushes me onwards, making me feel sick for every minute that ticks by. I want to do everything perfectly and on time so it doesn't become a burden on everyone else. Another thing that overspent time was the fryers, as I had to change oil from 2 out of 3 fryers, fill up the jib and that fryer box took about 15mins of jiggling in itself. It's about 0730 now, I need to start turning equipment on now as some needs time to heat up and others take a while to turn on due to half the equipment not working as intended. 0800 hits and I am constantly cooking till 1000, its not busy but it was constant. It kept my mind half busy but I kept panicking about not having anything done. I think in that time I had another 5 mins in the walk in freezer, just to try and ground me.
The next employee in starts having a go about how stuff hasn't been done and how it should have been done, I explain about the fryer and the clean up and everything else but her words feel laced with venom. I can't deal with this. I am trying my hardest but its never enough. Is it me that's in the wrong for not working hard enough or is the amount of time in proportion to jobs to be completed, that is wrong. I feel like I am working my hardest though, comparitively to everyone else I'd say I'm above average but is that me being egotistical. No point debating that now, its just taking me off course.
After a couple of hours, my colleague eased up. I know she just has a bad mood in the morning and that she picks at anything when she's in one of these moods. She softens a bit and stops constantly saying everything should of been done. That's the best I'm going to get ands I know it. When someone is there, someone who is basically a stranger to my personal life its easier to try and put this facade on. After the venom was gone, I felt the act coming back to me as if to put me back on auto pilot. I start making small talk and trying to smile at everything no matter how shit, trying to be the optimistic,which I think I used to be or is it still am? Again another thing that likes to swing in my head. Wavering from extreme optimism to extreme pessimism, not knowing where my true feelings are. Onward the day goes, the worst was over with. Waiting for 1500 to hit.
The second I got home, I was starting to fall asleep. Lee made some food whilst I done the nodding dog on the sofa. I quickly eat the food, thanked Lee and fell asleep involuntarily whilst watching videos.
I woke up at 2200 with a killer headache, followed by vomitting and diarrhoea; but the thing that killed me the most was that my body had started tensing up. That dreadful tense feeling, weighing me down. I was up through the night running back and forth to the toilet. I had work at 0700 the next day. I have already been off quite a bit so I can't be off again. The other side is that I can't go into work after vomitting though, especially not with diarrhoea. Its probably due to my mental health though, its probably nothing and I'm not acutally sick. I don't want to abandon my colleague at work but I shouldn't go in but I should. Its too much again, opposing views again. At 0615 (earliest someone is in), I phone in sick. I'm told about how I will need to have an attendance meeting. There is my panic for the whole day. I am only ever off if I've thrown up/got diarrhoea as I can't go in then but it has been quite a bit. How come I stop myself from getting ill then?! I eventually got to sleep at about 0900. I woke up every couple of hours. I stayed in bed till 1600 though. I purposely done that so I didn't have to explain to my mum that I failed her again, that I'm off work again.
My cats currently are in my bedroom, I ask my mum if I can let them out to stretch their legs a bit and she is adamant they are not allowed out (we think they have fleas but they are inside cats and could have only got them from her dog; she outright denies that her dog could have fleas and doesn't want her dog mingling with our cats). As she tells me no, one of the cats tries to left himself out (our male cat 4can open doors so if we are out for any length of time we need to lock the door). I had just came in from the shops and had shopping in my hands, with this in mind, trying to chase the cats back into the room was hard. The female cat had decided to juke me at the door about 3 times. As she headed into the bedroom, she turned 180 dgrees and ran back into the livingroom. After the third time, I felt my mum's eyes piercing me. I started panicking, she was not going in the room. Why is noone helping me, my hands are full and my lungs emptied with a despairing shout; Just PLEASE get into the FUCKING room!!! All my stress went out into that shout and I regretted it the moment it came out of my mouth. Everything is just too much. My mum hated me the entire evening, she camped out in her car for a couple of hours. My sister tried telling me how easy it is to get another job, that it would solve everything, about how well she is doing and it just feels so condescending. I got advanced highers in high school, I went into university for chemistry... Now I can't even hold onto a fucking job. I've always had a problem with my emotions but at least I was making something of my life. Now everytime I try, there is something else to knock me down.
I'm writing this at 1300 the next day. Again, I did not sleep last night. I'm still snappy, I know I am. I don't want to inconvenience anyone or hurt anyone. I want to seclude myself away from everyone. Instead of phoning up the doctors as I have meant to for the last fucking year, I am writing this useless diary. Its not even a diary because I always end up not updating them. I'm just so tired, I want my head to make up its decision on things. I'm tired of having arguements in my head about everything. I am tired of my raging emotions. I just want to sleep. I just want everything to stop.
