CatsInLimbo0826 Member Profile

...See more Hi everyone! I'm an early 40s recently single man (breakup was exactly a month ago today), and I am finding myself in a rough patch. Here's a little about what's going on... [This ended up being much longer than I intended, so apologies in advance, haha.. Feel free to skip ahead to the bolded "Why am I here" for the short of it all] The relationship was about two months shy of four years, and all seemed to be going well from my end of things. Our communication was solid, and our fights and disagreements were infrequent and always resolved in a way where we both felt comfortable with the outcome (whether it was a compromise, an apology, etc.). She had some avoidant tendencies that we acknowledged (although we didn't have a word for it yet). I had some anxieties or frustrations around the tension that would sometimes create, but I respected her boundaries, and we always seemed to meet in the middle at best, or we'd "kick the can down the road" to worry about later, at worst (not the best move, I know). It also didn't help that I was laid off last year and am still struggling to find a permanent full-time job. Still, we lived separately, and I wasn't relying on her financially, so while it was stressful, it had more of an emotional impact than anything else. Then, last month, we had a weekend away to attend an event for a friend. We went into the weekend feeling good (we checked in with each other). Still, at some point near the end, we got into it about each other's anxieties and frustrations (me still feeling like I was being kept at arm's length in a lot of ways, and her feeling like I wasn't as engaged or present in social moments where she was anxious and needed support). There was no yelling or shouting, but emotions were high, and the discussion ended with things feeling like they were understood, but more work was needed... Two days later, I was blindsided by the breakup. She explained that she thought I was right, that 4 years was a long time for her to still feel the need to keep me at a distance. She said she loved me immensely and felt loved and close, but that maybe the relationship had just run its course and that she could never give me the closeness I needed. She had already packed the things I had at her place, and we agreed to take a few weeks to breathe before talking more about what happened. In those few weeks, I did some reading and came to find that her actions, feelings, and even the words she used to describe how she felt were practically textbook dismissive-avoidant, while I had slightly anxious but secure tendencies. We only ended up reconvening via text and without any real further discussion about what happened, but i shared the resources I had discovered, and she said it was "eye-opening," and that she was going to talk to her therapist about it all. She said she felt broken and uncaring, and that she needed time to work and process it all (I of course told her she wasn't broken, but that I agreed we both needed time to work on ourselves). We agreed to "touch base" in a month or so after she had returned from a job out of state, and that was the last time we spoke. So, why am I here? (And thank you for reading this far).. I guess I'm just looking for some support or connection while I work through the rough spots in this no-contact part of my breakup. I currently go to therapy once a week, but the times in between can be pretty hard. I also have a decent group of friends, but they all live about an hour away, have kids, and live pretty busy lives. So our interactions can be sporadic, although I know I have their support. Again, thanks for reading all of this.. I know it was long, but I look forward to chatting!

Bio

Recent forum posts

Talk to an expert therapist

Hello, I’m Heather. 😊👋🏼 I’m here to provide a warm, safe, and...

About Us

Get Started

Online Therapy

Terms

Bio