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Charico
342 M Embraced 3
PathStep 13 Compassion hearts15 Forum posts6 Forum upvotes11 Current upvotes11 Age GroupAdult Last activeOctober, 2019 Member sinceSeptember 9, 2019
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Worried about depressed friend
Relationship Stress / by Charico
Last post
 October 9th, 2019
...See more A very close long-distance friend of mine has been suffering with depression for the past month, and today at 6:00 am he posted a status indicating he felt suicidal. I know he often feels that way on some level, but this time he went into more detail about it and how he feels, saying he thinks everything is hopeless and wondering why anyone cares about him. Ive reached out to him (we havent been talking much lately due to said depression) and, along with sending him a picture of a cat (his favourite animal and nickname for me), I told him that I didnt want him to die, that I would stick with him through everything, and that I know his life has so much worth even if he cant see it, etc. I also sent him a song I think hed like, that helps me when I get anxious. Im very worried about him. Hes felt like this before and its never come to anything, but I know its always something to take seriously. As of typing this, he hadnt been online since. Is there anything else I can do? He lives in a different country so I cant just go over and see him, as much as Id like to. I know Im going to be thinking about him all day, wondering if hes alright.
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First time writing it all out
Trauma Support / by Charico
Last post
 September 16th, 2019
...See more TW: CSA, possible neglect I had a very difficult time in school. Although I was top of my class in all subjects (somehow) my teachers were neglectful of my mental wellbeing. I had a stuffed animal I took out to break with me, to calm my otherwise overwhelming anxiety. I've always been an anxious person, very attached to my mother - so school was hard enough. One time when I forgot the stuffed animal, I asked a teacher if they could get it for me. They said no, and to get on without it. I cried for the rest of that break. Another time I was made to eat another child's leftovers at lunch. Long story short, they'd stole my lunchbox and replaced it with their own. I told a teacher and they didn't believe me, and outright forced me to eat the leftovers. My mother was understandably furious at the school, but to my knowledge, nothing came of it. It was lots of things like that, all adding up to make me into a distrustful child full of shame and insecurity in my worth. Things got worse at 8 years old. This is the hardest part to write. An adult man at the school - I think he was a teacher - did sexual things to me. I think he touched me and kissed me. I can't exactly remember, most of my memory of it is vague and comes in flashes. As you can imagine, having told adults of my problems in the past so many times only to be told I was lying or dismissed - I didn't tell anyone at the time. What did happen is that I stopped talking. Literally. I would only say a few words at home, nothing more. I'd wake up every day and beg my mother not to take me back to school. I'd be in tears. On the drive down, I'd begin to curl up in my seat, completely shutting down and becoming unresponsive. This went on until my parents decided to take me out of school and teach me at home. The night they told me is one of my happiest memories. Things didn't get completely better, of course...I acted out a lot, would shame myself for my emotions, and would dissociate whenever I looked at my body. I still suffer from nightmares, panic attacks and find it very hard to open up to people. I'm terrified of affection, yet at the same time, I'm desperate for it. I still have almost zero self-esteem and most of the time I can't even see myself as a person. I feel like I didn't really get a childhood. A lot of traumatic stuff happened during my teen years, too, but I've managed to move on from a lot of that. I often feel like I can't fully recover, or I'll be this way forever.
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Badly hurt my BF by accident, how can I fix this?
Relationship Stress / by Charico
Last post
 September 16th, 2019
...See more Hi! I need some advice on how to handle a tricky situation with my boyfriend/best friend. We've been a couple for almost three months, but we've known each other for longer and are incredibly close friends. We can't see each other in person often because of distance, but we chat every day, often for hours (at least, we used to). This is a long story, so I really appreciate if you read, or at least skim through it all to understand where I'm at now. Oh, and I also want to add that Spanish is his first language and although he speaks English really well sometimes we misinterpret what the other means, which I should keep in mind more, I think. About two weeks ago I got back from vacation. During the vacation itself, I hadn't been talking to my BF as much as I'd like because there was such poor mobile signal. However, when we did get to chat everything was fine between us. Then I got home. My BF told me he was feeling anxious (he has chronic depression and anxiety). I sympathized and told him I was there for him, but after that, we continued on talking as usual. But in a matter of about 2 days his anxiety got so bad he could hardly find the energy to talk to me. I tried to be supportive, telling him it was okay and that I would always listen if he wanted to talk about it. Then one night he told me he needed to take a step back from the relationship. He said it wasn't forever, and he still loves me, but it wasn't good for him with his anxiety so high for the time being. I love him so much, so naturally, this broke my heart. I could have taken it better than I did - I ended up getting so upset he told me we should just go to sleep. So we did. Morning came, and everything seemed okay. We talked as much as he could, and he gave me some reassurance he still liked me and wasn't leaving. It was all so sudden that I was a bit confused at first, but he was happy to explain everything I wanted to know. But in the days to come, he grew more and more distant and anxious. I held off on asking about it because I try my best to be understanding of his mental state and not take it personally. But my emotions regretfully got the better of me and I told him that it was okay if he was pushing me away, but I wasn't ever going to leave him. He didn't take that very well. He said I was actually the only person he bothered to talk to, and he just wanted most people to leave him alone. I could understand that, so I apologized and again we moved on. Everything went fine, we chatted when we could and I regularly checked in with how his anxiety was, careful not to push him to talk if he didn't want to. It was very hard for both of us to go from talking almost constantly to hardly at all. We both agreed on that. Then came Monday night. For a few days, I'd been feeling very anxious and tired myself. I'd been giving all I had into trying to manage my emotions and handle the situation in a healthy way, in addition to a huge amount of stress about other unrelated things. That night I was feeling very low, on edge, and lonely. So I said to my BF there was something I wanted to ask, but since he'd just told me he felt pretty anxious it could wait until morning. He said to tell him anyway. I wasn't sure, but I decided to trust his judgment and I asked my question: how did he feel about me? Big mistake. He asked why I wanted to know. I explained why, that I was feeling lonely and stressed, etc. And then...he said he didn't have the energy to deal with this and to think whatever I wanted. I panicked. I hate that I did, but it's done now I guess. I asked him if he even still liked me as a person, and he said at the moment? No, he did not. That stung, but I apologized for pushing him and when he didn't reply I went to sleep. The following week was absolutely awful. I sent him a few messages now and then telling him I was still there, he could talk to me. Nothing. No reply, not even read. I got so anxious I would wake up each day with my heart racing. He just wouldn't, or couldn't respond to me. I reached my limit yesterday and sent him a message asking why he was ignoring me and explaining how sick I felt from worry. He finally replied and said he didn't want to talk. I asked why. Told him I didn't understand, and that he was hurting me. He got really upset. Angry, even. He said, direct quote: I'm hurting you? what do you think you've done? Do you think of anyone but yourself? It turns out that what I'd said on Monday night, asking him whether he liked me or not, had hurt him far more than I thought it would. Apparently, at the time he had been on the verge of a panic attack and he felt I'd pushed him too far. I had no idea. I genuinely had no idea. I was so caught up in my own stress and worry that he was right - I wasn't really thinking of him. I said sorry to him, saying that I never meant to hurt him but I knew that didn't change the fact that I had. I told him all I wanted was for him to be happy. And that's true. It always has been. I asked him if it would be okay to talk tomorrow evening (so today now), just for a few minutes about anything he wanted. No response yet, and I'm not sure I'll get one. So the thing I could use some help on is: when and how should I apologize? I've said sorry already but I want to let him know, truly, that I regret this situation and I'm going to take steps to ensure it doesn't happen again. It's really tearing me up inside how inconsiderate I had been to him, and it hurts that I hadn't even noticed - all I'd been thinking of was why he was ignoring me, not truly empathizing with how he must feel. I'm usually a caring and highly empathetic person, but this time I slipped up really bad at the worst possible time and I'm not quite sure how to begin to reach out to him? I really do love him a lot, more than I can say, but I know that isn't enough on its own. I'm thinking of asking him if it's okay if I properly apologize, or if he wants to be left alone for a while longer. I don't want to push him to talk to me again, and I know asking him for forgiveness right now might be a lot for him to think about when he's already feeling so depressed and anxious. I just really miss him and his silence is understandable but so hard to bear. He truly is my dearest friend, he makes me feel happy and safe when no-one else can, and I want to stay with him in whatever way he'll have me. It's just difficult right now knowing what to do, managing my own emotions and being sympathetic to his own struggles.
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