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Cian2075
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PathStep 1 Compassion hearts27 Forum posts2 Forum upvotes1 Current upvotes1 Age GroupAdult Last activeMay, 2023 Member sinceSeptember 7, 2022
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Am I overreacting? Feel like I'm on my own against my boyfriend's homophobic parents!
LGBTQ+ / MOGII Support / by Cian2075
Last post
 May 30th, 2023
...See more Me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years now. I love him and our relationship itself is great, but his family could be better. I suppose this more of a rant but also a way for me to not feel so alone and find someone in the community who can relate. Most of my friends are straight or the few that are queer haven’t really had many homophobic experiences. His siblings are great. I've met them all and they were so nice. However, his father is extremely homophobic to the point that he's told my boyfriend he'll never accept him, and my name is not allowed to be mentioned in their home. My boyfriend has told me his mother is more accepting of him which makes me happy for him, but I feel that she may still be uncomfortable with him having a boyfriend as when I met her the first time she was nice albeit awkward and then at his college graduation last year she was horrible to me. First I met his mother and sister who came to the city we were studying in for a night. His sister was nice and his mother was civil with me however, I could tell she was a little awkward. Possibly trying to still wrap her head around her sons first boyfriend. I didn’t hold this against her as my mother struggled when I came out too. I met one of his brothers and his girlfriend the week before his graduation and was really nice and even pulled me aside at one point to explain to me that his dad might not talk to me at the graduation and he just wanted me to be prepared which I really appreciated. Eventually then late last year me and my boyfriend graduated from university. Our graduations were 2 months apart. He told me that for his I could come to the ceremony and that they were having a dinner afterwards but it was only for “family” because his father said he wouldn’t come if I was there although the siblings brought their partners. Then I could come out later that night with him and his friends. I understood and helped him book the dinner. The week before I reminded him we attend different universities so I wouldn’t know where to go on the day and he said we’d figure it out on the day. On the day I arrived at the university and couldn’t get a response from him so had to wait at the bus stop for half an hour until one of his friends passed and helped me find the place. Once there his mother said hi but was more awkward than before. His dad was there but completely ignored me and didn’t acknowledge me but honestly that didn’t bother me. I eventually had to sit in a completely different room for the ceremony where they were livestreaming it because they only had a certain amount of seats per family. The ceremony went over by about 2 hours and they couldn’t use their phones inside so they were going to miss their dinner. Even though I wasn’t invited I knew they were stressing so I called the restaurant and fixed it all for them. Once they were all out of the ceremony I told him and his mother that it was okay and I called the restaurant. His mother glared at me and then turned to him and said “it’s okay your sister sorted it” and walked away from me. I had met his other 2 sibling but met his oldest brother and wife at this moment. They were lovely and his brothers wife offered to take photos of us away from the family because she knew I wouldn’t be allowed to be anywhere near them for family photos. When she was taking the family photos they wanted her in them too but couldn’t figure out who to take them so I volunteered. Again his mother glared at me for even speaking up and his dad seemed confused. Afterwards they went off to their dinner, I went home and met my boyfriend later that night to go out. The next day I was trying to wrap my head around everything and had an epiphany, bear in mind I studied social work so I’m pretty confident in my ability to read people. I was a little hurt by the way I was treated by both my boyfriend for his lack of thought towards me and his mother’s hostility. I hadn’t expected it and didn’t even mind his father’s behaviour. Then I realised his mother and siblings were extremely anxious when I spoke up around his father and his father barely glanced at me as if he didn’t even understand who I was. I expected him to be the one glaring at me not the other way around. So when my boyfriend asked me how I felt after it I said “not great” and he started apologising for his dad but I stopped him. I said “B/N stop, I had no problem with your dad yesterday. Of course he didn’t acknowledge me….. because he didn’t even know I was there!”. I had put 2 and 2 together with my Scooby Doo detective skills and realised even though my boyfriend told me his dad said he wouldn’t come to the graduation dinner if I was there that he hadn’t been truthful with me. They had never even told him about me going overall. He was a bit surprised that I figured everything out. I told him that I would have understood if he just told me but I hated being lied to and left in the dark. Then I told him it was his mother who was worse to me to which he said he didn’t notice anything like that. Now we rarely ever fight, and I mean rarely but this was probably the first big fight we had as I was really hurt and hate dishonesty. I told him after this you better come to my graduation and know my family will be kinder to you. My family are a lot more accepting now and love my boyfriend to the point they’ve said that no matter what his family say or do he has them to accept him. So he had also applied to teach English abroad and was leaving a couple weeks after his graduation but said he’d be back for my graduation. When it came to mine he told me the English teaching school wouldn’t give him the few days off for my graduation. I understood it wasn’t his fault and he did book a weekend away for us which I appreciated. However, it still hurt that I had to go through all that at his graduation only for him to not come to mine. On that weekend away he tricked me into ordering a fancy dessert at a restaurant for him that he actually wanted to get for me which was a cute gesture. I remember slamming my cutlery on the plate because of him lying. It was so stupid and small but I think it was a build up of anger for me since the graduation and now he makes jokes to his friends about it all the time making me sound crazy even though I know in my head it wasn’t about a silly dessert but about the graduation as this was the first time I’d seen him since. Unfortunately, I can’t say that in front of his friends. So bringing it all to now, my boyfriends oldest brother and wife just had a baby boy and my boyfriend is the godfather. Surprisingly to me, his older brother and wife invited me to the christening which is in a couple of weeks when my boyfriend returns back home from teaching abroad. Well…. I WAS invited. My boyfriend just told me a few days ago now his brother and wife have said they’re not sure where I will sleep that night because there’s no room in their house and I couldn’t stay in my boyfriends room at the family house because their parents would be uncomfortable. I asked him if his parents know this time and he said his mother does but she’s okay with it. I know better. I bet once his mother found out she convinced them it’s better if I don’t go. I wasn’t going to go anyway because I knew his family would be drinking and possibly turn on me that night. Now I would have dealt with that because those motherfudgers don’t pay my rent and at the end of the day I have a great family and friends that accept me. The reason I wasn’t going to go was because I don’t want that little baby to ask mom and dad about his christening in a few years only to hear that all anyone remembers is his uncle’s boyfriend being attacked. What gets me this time is the same thing as the last time, the lies and deceit. Little do they know I can read them like a book and know what they’re all doing. I feel worse for my boyfriend as even though I have to go through this I can always go back to a loving family, but this is his family and it hurts me that he’s not accepted because they are missing out on such an incredible person. It makes me sad they don’t get to celebrate how amazing their son is. However, I sometimes wish my boyfriend would also understand my side. When I told him I was surprised his mother “was okay with me going to the christening” I told him I didn’t believe him going off the graduation to which he tried to make up excuses. I know it’s his family but also just acknowledge that they are treating me like *** rather than completely invalidating what I’ve dealt with. Anyway I’m buying that little baby an amazing christening gift because it’s not his fault or the brothers and also a little way to spite the parents. I don’t know I just had to get this off my chest as I feel like my friends won’t understand. I know I'm holding a grudge against my boyfriend and his parents and am trying to move past it. I need some of my brothers, sisters, and siblings in the community who can relate because I kind of feel like I’m on my own going through this. Any advice or understanding would be greatly appreciated.
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