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I am suffering from a romantic jealousy for about 7 years now. I did lots of research, self-reflecting and I managed to get it under control in a way. I rarely have any outburst now, and I have moments when I feel confident and not jealous at all. However here and there a time comes when I am totally crushed again. I am having such a moment right now. I feel anxious and depressed and my self worth is down to zero. I am focusing on giving it time and to love myself. But I feel like others cannot love me, wont love me and that I cannot blame them. I feel like I lost a sense of identity as well.
To give you a short info about me. I moved abroad for my love about 3 years ago. We are in a relationship for 7 years. I am happy with him, he loves me and respects me. But I have this jealous thoughts, I cannot stand the thought of him watching porn or to check out other girls. He does nothing of that in front of me but I keep thinking what he does when I am not around. From thinking it so much, feeling of being cheated and not wanted becomes burning real. I know this is how jealousy works though, and I could manage it but right now I am lost again. I also know jealousy is based on imagination and just it happened that my focus got stuck on this issue. However I cannot get out of it obviously. Even when I do feel better, I am aware that this is just temporary and the bad times will come again.
There is another issue that I believe influences, or/and is influenced on how I feel. Isolation. People of the country I moved to mostly do not speak English. And local language is super hard. Although I improved a lot in 3 years I am still not fluent. So it was extremly hard for me to make friends here from begining, and it still is as I am not part of any social environment (school, work, groups,..). When I first came here, I started with studies in another city and had foreign friends there, however I spent 6h daily commuting from and back to the city where I live with my SO. Now I am in the process of writing thesis so I am mostly home alone. As I am more introverted I dont mind spending time alone at home while he works, actually I enjoy being alone but I do miss to have friends..I have noone to talk to about this issue. I dont even tell to my old friends, because I am kind of embarassed and because they do not understand how it feels to be jealous. Only my SO knows. Anyhow, thanks to my jealousy I isolated myself from any chance when I could make friends in this new environment, or be with friends. I mostly dont want to visit my home country because that would mean my SO would have a week alone so maybe he would watch a lot of porn. I also dont want to stay out whith friends when they visit or with local friends here if I know my SO is home alone. I am afraid and try to prevent a visit from any female friend (or sister) with big breast or who dresses sexually provoking way. My other relationships are getting damaged this way. The country I live in now is Muslim in majority which is good for me because women dress more modest than in Europe. I cannot imagine myself living in Europe or any other country where women are wearing very sexy. I am paranoid and cannot enjoy life. I feel trapped.
I dont know if it matters but I got crushed again now after my parents visited. Not due to jealousy but simply my self confidence got crushed. For a week I was listening to my mom shouting on my father. Now when I live far away she is easier on me, but towards father she has the same attitude. She is extremely demanding, strict and controling woman. At the same time it is obvious she has her own insecurities. All my life she was extremely controling towards me and my sister. Work and success meant a lot for her, but love not so much. My poor sister also suffers from insecurities. Life away from my family helped me actually to get to know myself, what I want, who am I, and to gain confidence. But I get moments when I feel down again. And I know it is my fault for developing jealousy.
Anyway, I would like to ask what would you suggest me to do to fight this problems - low self worth, jealousy..? Before I loved to work and be among coworkers, but now I am afraid to take on any job that would have different schedule with my SO. Maybe I should though. Meditation also helps me, but when I have moments like I am having right now I feel so lost. And every time when it happens again I am more fed up. I ask myself, will it ever end? It hurts so much. If not for my SO who loves me, and for my dog who would have noone to care for her, I'd even have moments when I'd consider suicide.
And as for the moment I am trapped in now, what steps would you suggest to find my self worth again and my own identity? I feel like I dont know who I am or what I want, or how to behave with people,.. I dont feel grounded. I feel depressed and anxiuos thoughts keep coming around.