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Hello all,
I am in a complicated situation and feel a lost; I do not even know where to vent because I do not have anybody to talk to about this. I am very sorry for how long it is, I just need to tell the whole story. Thank you for reading, if anyone could.
First of all, I am in a long-distance relationship (3 years) but we met in person, and in a few months I should live with my partner. I am an Eastern Europe woman, he's a Spanish guy. We started chatting online and through friendship we moved to dating a few years ago. I supported him and he supported me, we have a deep connection talking hours about everything, the same sense of humour, I know that I am his only pillar that keeps him away from depression. I want all the best for him. Even my mum says regarding the sensibility and behaviour, we are like twins. We both have difficult experiences - me, my disability and anxiety, he - problems within family and depression.
I even made a big move and went to Spain for a one-year volunteering programme, so he would not be alone in a new city. The experience itself was dreadful because my group was exploited as volunteers. We had to work long hours, we were often assigned to duties that were not in the contract and we did not have any prior training, we were just put into action - helping in centers for people with disabilities (mind you we did not even speak proper Spanish and it was of no use anyway because they preferred using a local language which ended up in confusion. Even in the shared dwelling there was no peace because the girls were party-goers and did not clean at all. There were also slight mobbing techniques used. This volunteering activity really took a toll on my physical and mental health - even more because I live with a physical disability and stress has a bigger impact on my body - I was sleeping 4 hours, crying a lot, I was walking very slowly because of no energy, I lost 6 kg, and had swelling in my feet from walking so much daily. A reward for all of this was being able to travel just one hour to meet my partner. The time with him was the best time ever. He's loving, of course he has his moods and is also pretty stressed because of his job, but he was even cooking for me, so I could put food containers in the fridge and just for 2 days do not worry about making dinner, for example. He was massaging my feet, he was helping me with everything he could. He accepted my disability and supported me even in such a way that when I said I was afraid of using stairs, he travelled with me using 3 different metro lines to use only lifts on the way. He's often ready to listen to all what I have to say.
However, I feel that I sacrificed a lot for him, especially when I came back home and the doctors told me my organism was like war-weary because of my experiences. After the volunteering project ended, I came back to my country. He visited me there, met my entire family. We planned on living together in Spain. Meanwhile, I got a job in my home country that I like very much and feel I am fulfilling there. This job is restricted only to my home country. There is a problem with his country: 30% unemployment for people under 30. During the volunteering project, I was making a test and sending CVs to different places. No answer, answer: "too little experience in a normal job" (I graduated 2 years ago but did a lot of volunteering projects), not knowing Spanish enough. It ruined my spirit. It became obvious to me that it would be hard to find a job even in a big city. Online job? No answer. Meanwhile, in my home country my job called me (my boss wrote an email to me). On the occasion of moving, I learnt that my case would be particularly complicated because of disability (no recognition of disability certificates within the EU) and taxes. All advisors I went to or contacted advised me against going to Spain, telling me I would lose a lot. My dad keeps telling me I will end up returning to my home country anyway. My partner cannot move to my country or to any other foreign country because both his studies and job experience would be useless (very specific things just for his country and he dedicated 8 years of work and study to be in the place where he is now). He earns much better than an average Spaniard, but we cannot live just off his pay for long. Because of my disability, I cannot take up menial jobs. I cannot find a job I wish either because simply there is scarcity of such posts. The situation drives me mad. Also, I started thinking about all the problems; I am an only child, so if something happens to my parents while I am in Spain, there is no one to help them. My partner knowing about all the problems told me that if it were good for me, I could find somebody else to be my partner, somebody nearby, because he cannot stop thinking about the sacrifice I need to make to be with him. Those words tear my heart totally. My dad started complaining that flights to Spain were expensive, so he'd better off spending his retirement in Italy where he would go by car. This remark opened up a new case.
Before even contacting my partner, I met a guy from Italy online. We had similar interests and we were talking about this via chats. As our conversations progressed, I learnt more facts from his life that I think he did not confess to anyone else; there were too "specific" - problems within the family, past problems with school, jobs, grieving his loved one's death, dreams of forming his own family. He told me that I was a person who could see through everything while the others just looked on the surface, and he trusted me and my opinion if I had any. He was a typical Italiano lover by his behaviour - he even made a list of his ex-girlfriends for his current girlfriend's request - 29 women starting the count in college. Average time for a girl - 3 months. He did not feel well with this current girlfriend but kept lying to her because he did not want to be alone. He wanted to make a family with kids, she wanted a carreer but was waiting for and engagement ring. There were more details, and I felt his behaviour was unacceptable - told me he was with her only because of good bodily pleasure (if you know what I mean). I convinced him to tell her the truth and let her go living her life without someone's lies. Later, he had another girlfriend but they did not make it. He kept confessing me many details from his relationships, I kept asking why he behaved like that so that he turned to telling me more things from his childhood and upbringing and I told him sincerely what I thought about his behaviour, in those moments he was less cocky, more serious and I could see remorse in certain things. He also told me he always said to the girl he did not like enough at the beginning that what he expected was not a serious relationship, but she believed she could change him and he was afraid of loneliness. After breaking up with another girl he treated more like a toy to have fun, he told me the right person was always there but he did not notice at first (we were talking 2 years or so). I thought it was a joke because we had a "buddy relation", he knew about my flawsI always thought about him as just a friend. I joked and said "another 3 months?" but he told he really believed we could make it together permanently. Then, I told him I needed to be sincere with him and I did not like the way he treated his previous girlfriends. I would be afraid to end up like them. He told me I had no human feelings and stopped talking to me for like 2 weeks. Then he started writing again, asking me what should he wear for dates (clearly to show me: look, I am thriving), but you could feel tension it, I was advising like always and with time, the contact faded.
Now with the problems I am facing and my boyfriend telling me to better find the other one, I started thinking what if I... What if I said "yes" to Italian? Would we be a couple today? Would I experience less problems and avoid exploitation for a year? I often think that being in the Italian city, I would find a job easier because this region had plenty of offers in the sector where I would like to work. I would be closer to my family and my family loves Italy - must-have destination for holidays for them. The Italian guy had his own flat, so finding a job would not be so urgent as in Spain (paying the rent from day one). This guy was really a good buddy and seemed very honest with me. We also had a lot topics in common - just as it is with my boyfriend. I would like to make a family in the future too and my current boyfriend tells me about his worries that it is possible we would not achieve enough stability to fulfil that dream... I love my boyfriend over the moon, but I am just confused. I needed to vent all my thoughts. I do not know what to think....
