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Cosmicsea
491 M Embraced 4
PathStep 2 Compassion hearts23 Forum posts5 Forum upvotes3 Current upvotes3 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2017 Member sinceOctober 13, 2015
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Feeling out of place / disconnected with family
Anxiety Support / by Cosmicsea
Last post
 July 18th, 2017
...See more English is not my first language :) I am not sure if I have anxiety officially, but I think this is the best place to ask. I alway feel like I don't belong there, and always feel very alone in the group, whenever I'm with my family. No matter if it's a birthday party, or even just a drink with my own sister. It's hard for me to hold any conversation, I don't know what to talk about or how to join the conversation. Even if I did, I feel like people are just being nice to me but not actually interested. They are good people, just not my type of people I think. But I do love them. The weird thing is that friends or strangers are no problem for me. I can be very open and talk a lot, make jokes. But my humour doesn't really fit in with my family, and my interests are very different. I am very different from the rest of my family. So different, that I actually never ask how things are going with their life, because I honestly don't care about the small stuff.. And that makes me feel bad about myself. I have always felt like I'm in my sisters shadow. She's amazing, and everybody always loves her. When she enters a room, everyone is happy and talking with her. When I enter a room, not so much.. (not at all). She is spontanious, or actually, my whole family is. And I am only spontanious with my friends. But the things we talk about are different, and the way I talk with them. My family is a group of very nice, but normal, average people. And I'm a person who listens to metal, likes living on my own, goes to concerts and festivals, is gay, dyes her hair in weird colors.. My humor is very sarcastic and dark, (and my friends love that, but my family members don't get that). So, not an average person.. I just don't know how to connect, even though I want to. I'm just not the type of person to talk about the weather. I'm the type of person to talk about deeper things, or just not at all, and talk about nonsense like the weirdest food combination you ever ate. If I am truly myself with them, like when I had a beer to much haha, people are weirded out.. I love them and would like a better connection, and I would like to feel part of the family. But it never feels like I am.. Sorry if my story was chaotic, but thanks for reading if you did
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Feeling constantly bored, no passion in life
General Support / by Cosmicsea
Last post
 February 20th, 2016
...See more (english is not my first language) Sorry for the long story. I would like to share what's on my mind, because I feel like nobody I know is able to truely understand how I feel, and how difficult it is for me. I am in a burn-out at the moment, caused by some medical issues which my doctors don't have a solution for. I have not been able to work more than 2 days a week since I'm 18 or something (now 22), because I am exhausted really easily. But that is not who I am at all. When I was younger, 15 years or something, I could do anything. Go to school 5 days a week, sport 2 times, work 3 evenings and after that go to the bar with friends. I was always busy and loved it. Since I stopped working 5 months ago, I have been sitting at home, and at the beginning that was fine because I really needed some rest. But now I have the energy to do things, but not the mental ability to do so. If I hang out with friends all day, or go sport or something, I will feel horrible the next 3 days after it. Travelling is also not an option for me right now. I feel like I really have no purpose in life, and I'm not passionate about anything at all. I have a nice boyfriend, but when he is here for a few days, routine will kick in and we're both just scrolling the internet, which is fine for him, but I feel like I have seen it all, and want to actually do something. But we have very different interests. The only thing I really like is taking care of my pets, at the moment I have 2 terrariums with lizards, and I like being busy with it. Building terrariums. Building small eco systems for them with cleaning crew insects and live plants and all that. Also I will get 2 new young cats next week so hopefully they will give me more to do and be happy about. But waiting a week feels like ages. I've always liked to take care of things and animals. Sometimes I just went for a walk of 2 hours because my bearded dragons like to eat dandelions, haha. But after 10 minutes of my day I'm done with it and there is nothing left to do. My house is cleaner than ever, I eat healthy, everything is as it should be. Originally I make 3D models and graphics, but now that takes way too much concentration. So I fill my terribly long days with scrolling facebook, watching series, sometimes I just sit here.. doing nothing at all. I have tried drawing, cooking, and all that stuff, but everything feels so boring, and just not enough for me. I wish I had something I was passionate about, I often just order stuff online, which I don't really need, just to have something to look forward to. Some days I feel like I want to have kids already, so I have a life goal. Something to live for. Every day feels like a week, and weeks like months. But when I look back on a month, it feels like it didn't happen at all, just so empty. I am not really unhappy, sometimes I am, but mostly empty, bored, purposeless Mostly hating myself for wasting my time so much with doing nothing that I love. I wish I had a real hobby to be passionate over, but everything I tried bored me after a week or something. My house is filled with paint stuff, guitars, never finished scarfs, and all that sort of stuff... (and I can't keep on building terrariums and buying weird animals, it's expencive and my house will become a zoo haha.) Maybe someone has some advice for me, good ideas, or just motivating words.. Thank you for reading my story written in my best english.
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