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Crimson0715
220 M Embraced 2
PathStep 13 Compassion hearts7 Forum posts6 Forum upvotes5 Current upvotes5 Age GroupAdult Last activeFebruary, 2021 Member sinceNovember 7, 2016
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Loss of trust.
Trauma Support / by Crimson0715
Last post
 June 5th, 2017
...See more When I was a kid I was very curious, so at about 12 going on 13 years of age I had decided to explore what porn was. I'd heard about it round my housing estate but I didn't really know what it was. I also didn't know about clearing a browser history. I thought that I got very lucky when my older brother sat me down in the living room one evening and told me that my mom had asked him to look through the browser history for anything suspicious. I especially thought so when he told me that he hadn't told her. That feeling of luck swiftly passed as he informed me that there was a price for him not telling my mother. And whilst he posed it in such a way that it sounded fair, it was still blackmail none the less. From that day till a couple of months after I turned 15 he sexually abused me. At the time I convinced myself that I was ok with it and that I could handle it. As he put it it was just "practice" for when we got into real relationships. He had me convinced that it had to be our little secret. Eventually he stopped it all, presumably when the guilt finally got the best of him. We haven't spoken about any of it since it all stopped, I think he still believes that I was ok with what happened. Nowadays I mostly just hate myself for letting it happen. I could have said something to anyone, hell if I had just said no the first time. I don't think he would have hurt me. I feel like he really would have just let me away with it. He took so much from me and I stayed silent. I'm still silent. And it's not even like I want to go to the police because at the end of the day he is still my brother and despite it all I still love him. But I can't even tell my own father about any of it. My mom knows but because of his problems with depression and her worry about what he would do she hasn't even spoken to him about it. She said she wouldn't let him away with it but he's still her son. Worst part is, is the thought of if he did this to anyone else. If I let it happen to some other poor defenseless young girl. If it happend to my niece.... Well I don't think I could live with myself knowing that if I had just said something nothing could have happened.
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