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CrimsonFox
2 134 M Embraced 1
PathStep 3 Compassion hearts21 Forum posts5 Forum upvotes11 Current upvotes11 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2026 Member sinceJuly 9, 2026
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My soul is exhausted
Grief & Loss / by CrimsonFox
Last post
 July 10th
...See more She was my best friend. My maid of honor when i got married 24 years ago. She was my biggest cheerleader. She knew all my dreams, all my secrets. She saved my life more times than she knows. She was my grandmother. She was the first real loss that happened in a series of losses that lead to my rock bottom in life. She complained about her breast hurting. We begged for years for her to go to the Dr. The pain finally won that January. Hospice was immediately called. I spent 18 hours a day by her side. My youngest usually with me. My teenager at home with dad next door. I would cook, clean, bathe her, change her diapers, clean the open wound where the cancer had eaten out the side of her breast and repack it. Everything hospice taught me to do. By March I was holding her hand while she took her last breath. I don't remember much of anything for quite a few years after that. I think I'm still in auto pilot mode. But I do remember not even a year later my other grandmother passes away. Then less then a year after that my grandfather passes away. Almost a year passes and our favorite uncles health takes a turn and we lose him. Then my mother who was legally blind starts falling. A lot. We chalk it up to her eyes. But her personality starts changing, very subtly. Doctor says hospice can help, they do more than just end of life services. We arrange for them to give her in home physical therapy in July. August one of the nurses says "it looks like lewy body dementia". September we hold her funeral services. Followed by another uncle passing from a heart attack not even a year later. 6 deaths. 6 years. Each almost a year apart from the last. In between, my teenager admitted to being suicidal after losing our grandmother and spent a month in a hospital for their mental health. A couple of years later my youngest was being bullied after entering high school and attempted suicide which led to truancy issues and court and my husband and I facing jail time while trying to protect our child from suicide and school bullies. My father and brother both found out they had cancer shortly after mom's passing. Dad's is being monitored and is slow moving. My brother, thankfully, is now in remission after a mastectomy, chemo and radiation. Death has been close to us for the last 8 years now. I am tired. Mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. My soul is exhausted. And I still don't know how to process everything that has happened over the last 8 years. And the pain is still just as raw and aches just as bad as if i just lost them all yesterday. I don't know why I'm typing this out. Or who I expect to read it. Or what I even want to accomplish from this. Other than I guess, just to say it all out loud for once. Because its real. It happened. Somehow I have survived all of this and a few other things I'm not ready to tell anyone yet. Even if I am just a shell of the person I used to be. I exist and I hurt. But I'm still here. I dont know what to do with all this pain anymore, other than just cry uncontrollably whenever the waves hit. I don't even know how to end this. Other than thank anyone who stuck around this long for reading. I'm sorry for such a long novel. Please dont feel you have to comment. I guess more than anything I just needed to get it off my chest.
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