CutieQCucumber Member Profile

...See more I feel in love. We have known each other since highschool, and have talked on and off for years. I had a crush of them, that would edd and flow in that time. At times the feelings where mutual, but the time was never right. It was torture, as our chemistry was so palatable. We formed a very deep connection and found ourself bonded. However time moves forward. I had moved away and started a life, and we remained friends. I went to school in another place, got married, had a baby, and then went through a divorce. Things just seemed so right this time. I thought this was it, we could really be together. It didn't go very well. It was a very confusing and uncomfortable time for both of us. He became uncomfortable with my affections and asked to stop. It hurt but I could understand. He just wanted to be friends. I wanted this to, if love wasn't for us. I was very honest with myself, if I was to just be his friend I would need to take a huge step back from him, and go no contact for a little while. At the time I was planning to return to my home town, this was months away. We where gonna visit. If I was to do that I had take a break soon. I told him such. He asked me to come see him, the next weekend instead... He offered closure. A chance to see each other and be together even for short while. It seemed so nice and I did want it. However I don't need to tell you how foolish this is. I was opening myself to be used af manipulated. But I still went. Hinestly It was everything. He was everything. It was so hard to imagine why this couldn't work. Id get my answer. He didnt love me because he couldn't do it. He couldn't imagine living a life around another mans child... I've never been so broken. I felt so "less then" when he told me. All this because I choose happiness and had my baby. These feelings are so difficult to feel. A painful mix of anger, disgust, loss, despair, and lonelness. It doesn't feel like the sadness of heartbreak, but the sadness of death. To add slat to a bleeding wound, I feel like my feelings are so invalid because his reasoning is understandable. It's so hard describe why this hurt so much, and come with a side of guilt, shame and embarsment becuase I had gone on a weekend bender with him. I home now, after been for a short time. After all that hurt I still care for him. I hope one day I don't anymore, and this pain is quiter. I just needed to tell someone. Its not something I can tell other sabout, how do I explain in grieve and relationship that never exsisted? I feel iso stupid and foolish. I never want to ever love him again.

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