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DanyellCantestsi97
484 M Embraced 4
PathStep 4 Compassion hearts16 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes0 Current upvotes0 Age GroupAdult Last activeMarch, 2023 Member sinceSeptember 21, 2020
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Is hugging your ex a form of cheating or a step closer to cheating?
Relationship Stress / by DanyellCantestsi97
Last post
 December 28th, 2021
...See more I found the love of my life that lives halfway across the world. He's in the US, and I'm in Asia - feels like God put us together cause it feels like we're literally perfect for each other! He proposed on September 2021 when I visit the US, and we're getting married in February 2022. But there's a problem... We've always been in a long distance relationship, and September was just a short visit. My love language is physical touch, so hugs and kisses are a necessity for me, and if I didn't get them, I'd break down and be "dysfunctional" in a way... From September to February, that's 5 months in lacking any loving physical touches. How did I survive the past few months before the short visit? Well, I had my mom who always gives out genuine hugs when I need it. But now, she's gone too to another country to work and support the family. So now, I'm alone and sad just doing work and wedding planning for February 2021. This is hard for me cause not only that my partner is also busy with 12-hour work shifts everyday, I'm doing 80% of the wedding planning myself while trying to get my work done and preparing to leave my country to get married and move in with him. That's a lot, and it's a huge change for me. It's natural for me to get stressed out and go look for a way to ease the pain. I thank God everyday that I never have the intentions to do drugs, cheat, etc. But I end up hurting my partner anyway for doing this... My ex works in the same place I do, so it's not uncommon for him to constantly ask me out on a date, get to his place, etc. even though he already has a new girlfriend. I've always rejected him and his secret-date proposals because I know it will hurt my partner if I didn't, and that I don't have anymore intentions of doing anything with my ex in the first place anyway. But... I agreed twice; once when he wants to "teach digital marketing", which he really did in an open public place and nothing happened afterwards (we parted and went on our separate ways after the class was over)... And another time when he asked if I was in the office so he could meet up and have lunch to catch up on my wedding planning and "how I'm doing" (yes, that's the supportive excuse my ex gave to meet up with me). I said yes, and... I asked for a hug in the end because... I'm so tired of everything, looking for a supportive gesture from somebody... I really-really needed a hug... All I did was ask a hug from my ex, ask for his support, cried it out, and THAT'S IT! Nothing else happened. My ex even said, "Shh calm down, remember you'll be happy in a few days, be strong." He really was being supportive for me and my future with my fiancé, even though I knew he still had feelings for me. So afterwards, I told my partner about this... I didn't mean to hurt him, but ideally I didn't want to keep anything from him either, and I'm kind of an "honest abe" — I tell him everything, including the hug. Knowing I met my ex twice so far for reasons he didn't care about, he labeled me "a possible cheater" since my actions have "patterns that lead to cheating one day". He pointed out my lack of self-discipline and the fact that I can cheat on him because when I feel "needy", there's no stopping me from getting what I want. I'm like, what the actual f***? Seriously? He looked at me like a stock market trend! "Hugging is a step closer to cheating", he said. "You could've hugged ANYONE ELSE, but it HAD to be your ex!", is something he also pointed out. Not gonna lie, if I was in his position, I would probably be upset at first too, but I'll take into consideration why he did it in the first place. The reason why I asked my ex for a hug is because there are only 3 people in my life that knows how to give genuine hugs, not the friendly-barely-there fake hugs that people like to give; my mom, fiancé, and ex. Mom and fiancé aren't there, so... (Sounds like a lame and fake excuse right? I know, but sadly it's true... These people are the only ones I feel comfortable hugging...) He said his trust in me is shaken and he needs some time to trust me back. I mean... It's not like I kissed or had seggs with the guy (my ex), or looked at him with love and hopefulness and stuff like that. I wasn't cheating physically, mentally, or emotionally... But this was the background story (I know, I'm sorry that it's very-very long). But please help, tell me what you think. Truthfully I really don't know why I feel this way (burdened, weary and tired), but I know that I'm hurt and broken for knowing that my partner couldn't cope with this — now, he acts like nothing happened and thinks everything is okay after a good night of sleep. After the fight, I made an internal promise that I won't talk to my ex or meet up with him or whatsoever. But this was hard at first because, my ex was my best friend. He was someone I fell in love with while we were already each other's best friend, but had to break up because we were just not meant to be (both our religions are different and where we come from, different-religion marriages aren't allowed — we still love each other but just care for each other as friends now). I learned to move on and be happy with it, and I successfully did! My ex is just a friend to me now, but I guess he still has some feelings for me (even though he has a new girlfriend now). But of course my fiancé won't be able to understand that... He assumes the worst case scenario and slaps it on my face even if I proved him wrong over and over before this happened... This one supportive hug was... idk, much needed but wrong in my fiancé's eyes... So wrong that he even mentioned, "I don't think I want to marry a possible cheater..." Is hugging your ex for support really considered cheating? Please help!
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