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Deadtiredperson175
1 545 M Embraced 4
PathStep 28 Compassion hearts26 Forum posts14 Forum upvotes11 Current upvotes11 Age GroupAdult Last activeDecember, 2025 Member sinceDecember 19, 2023
Bio

I'm a sleep deprived teenager with almost every issue you could possibly think about. But I can be perfectly friendly if I want. I'm also very much so bipolar.

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Right now
Journals & Diaries / by Deadtiredperson175
Last post
 December 18th, 2024
...See more This might be hard to read because my thoughts are disorganized so this'll be messy and disjointed. I'm really depressed. Genuinely. This isn't a oh I need something to make me stand out thing, I'm so serious, I'm not joking at all. I turned 18 a little while back, and I know it's supposed to be depressing. I also know I should have and be able to do things that I can't and don't have. I can't work, I can't get my permit or license for driving, I can't apply for college, all because of a stupid social security card that the government taking so long to get to me. I'm overly anxious all of the time for no discernable reason, I'm always thinking about money even though I live with my dad, I'm still in high school, I have no bills to pay. How much can I spend right now? How much would this cost? What's the total if I buy this for my brother? For my friend? For my dad? And I've got nothing. I'm a partial insomniac, I get very little to no sleep every day, I'm also bipolar, and I never learned how to make proper connections because I'm my formative years, I was never shown how. What was supposed to be my example of love and relationships, ie, my parents, fought all the time, it was a very one sided love, I watched my mom use my dad with no remorse again and again and again, no matter how many times she left him or divorced him, he let her come back because he loved her that much. I don't know how to properly express my emotions because I don't even know what I'm feeling half the time and I was always taught to just shut up and do what's best for everyone else as the oldest child, I had to set an example, I had to be better, well behaved, polite, always smiling, completely obedient, not a single independent thought, never a problem, or I'd get yelled at, and my dad was too overworked trying to support all of us to fix anything about that. When I was a toddler, my mothers friends son almost raped me and I was the one who got in to terrible because I must've tempted him. The friends husband would hit me with a paddle if I just said I couldn't eat carrots since I was allergic. I'd get hit if I didn't sleep during nap times. No matter what I said, no one listened so I stopped speaking a word for years, when my mother died, I started speaking again. I've always had a deep distrust and paranoia towards EVERYONE. I couldn't trust my family growing up, I still can't, but now it's because I never learned how. They adore me and I can't seem to like them back, shouldn't I feel some sort of warmth towards them? They're my family, they're supposed to be people I can rely on. The family side I grew up with was my mother's, very toxic, a lot of mental illness, basically a horrible environment for a child. The family I'm surrounded by now is my dad's. There sweet and loving and would drop everything to help me, but I don't feel anything, no connection, at all. Same with people, the second I form an attachment, it immediately dissolve into nothingness, I trust no one, not a single person, despite having this support network that I can't let myself access because they don't know me, I don't know them, taking their love and adoration, using it, and giving nothing in return, that's just awful, I hate asking anything of them. And relationships, at first, I just dated out of curiosity, what was all the hype, is holding hands really that fun? Kissing? Not to me, I found that out quickly. I'm demisexual, I can barely feel sexual attraction and it's only with people I'm extremely close to. Problem? I'm not close to anyone. One of my exes cheated on me because I wasn't willing to satisfy him sexually. I'm a horrible partner. I'm emotionally distant, I don't like pda, or physical affection, I didn't care for compliments because I'll doubt the validity of them anyways, I always grow to resent my partner, I text my partner at the time sparsely if at all, and didn't end it until I'm completely fed up and can't handle another single touch. My first boyfriend in high school, he was my first kiss, and I got an eating disorder from it. It was a French kiss, and I didn't know what's wrong with me, but I feel absolutely nothing when missed, it doesn't matter who it is. But, I could taste the phantom feeling of his saliva in the back of my throat for weeks, it got so bad that I was throwing up my meals, avoiding eating all together, would throw up at random times just because something reminded me of it, and only 3 years later, have I had any semblance of recovery. So I don't really have anything to offer anyone. I can't offer companionship, sexual satisfaction, vulnerability, or stability, nothing. I date anyway to try and feel what I'm supposed to. It never works. I'm trying to be less toxic myself. I'm trying to keep in contact with friends, maintain friendships, but it just feels like I'm going through the motions. Like in bit life, you just press a button and boom, time spent with friend, relationship at 100%. I've tried hard to get out of the cycle of feeling like life is a game where you press a button and things happen, like everything isn't real. I've sort of gotten out of it, it comes back some times. But I'm always awake, always thinking, always here, always unavailable. I want to help myself, but I just don't have the energy for it. Talking is energy, walking is energy, eating is energy, feeling is energy. I'm not suicidal, I'm just tired. I tried to talk to my dad about it, he's always tried to be there for me in his sort of old fashioned gruff father stereotype kind of way, and I practically begged for therapy, but we can't afford it. In this economy, I should've expected it. With my luck? I should've expected it. I've grown to expect the worst in any situation, I'm not pessimistic though. My view is that humans are things of duality, were constantly hypocrites, we just can't help it since it's our nature, so I prepare for every circumstance, just so I'll never be surprised by the worst humanity has to offer. It's not pessimism because I'm happy to be proven wrong, I constantly HOPE to be wrong. I'm usually not though. Yesterday, I finally got the energy to clean my room, it became a dumpster fire, not literally, it was just a wreck. I was so proud of it because I'm not a very organized person. My anxiety was supposed to get better. Now I can't sleep because I'm too anxious to keep my eyes closed, too stressed to shut down. It doesn't help that I've developed feelings for this guy. It's too soon for me to say anything. It's been around two to three months of knowing him, he's sweet, funny, goofy, and attractive. He's not my usual type but I actually feel something for him. And because of how I work, I have to plan things out months and years in advance every little realistic detail. So I've already figured out how I'll tell him I have feelings for him: Hey, so, I have feelings for you, no, this hasn't influenced my behavior towards you, no, this isn't a do or nothing thing, I'm not saying this to make you feel like you either have to be with me or cut off our friendship, and yes, this is completely selfish since I'm only telling you this to get it off my chest, not to get an answer, and no, I don't think you have feelings for me as well, I'm not delusional or nearly so confident as to assume that, and I'm perfectly fine with continuing to be just friends with no hopes of something more, I expect that anyways so don't feel any pressure whatsoever. I don't want to jump into a relationship and I'm sure you don't either. That's how I'm phrasing it. I'm not in some teen rom com drama, this is real life, so it's really not that big a deal. Either something happens or nothing does and everything stays the same. I feel like this is reasonable and rational. Instead of bottling it up like I do everything and just getting it out of the way so that we can grow past it. I know I probably sound crazy or not okay, I'm not gonna lie, I probably am, I'm just venting and putting this all out so that I can see clearer without anything messing with my judgement.
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What do I do?
Relationship Stress / by Deadtiredperson175
Last post
 December 20th, 2023
...See more I've been dating this guy for almost 3 years, and it started off great, I felt like a normal human being with him, it was healthy, unlike the toxic relationships I was used to. He went AWOL for a while but came back and explained it to me thoroughly, making sure I didn't think he just up and left for no reason. Things went good again. And now, we're talking more than ever, so why do I feel so distant and disconnected from him? I know I care about him deep down, but I've steadily been getting worse, more depressed, anxious, and my bipolar condition isn't making it any better, as it's giving me periods of apathy. But I know I can talk to him about it, and it's the fact that I know that, but I don't WANT to that is getting to me. One minute, I'm happy to talk to him, the next, my mind is actually screaming at me to just walk off and never talk to him again for absolutely no reason. I don't understand it and it's only making me feel worse and worse, and the icing on the cake? I tried to talk to my best friends about it, and they just said I'm being psychotic or a female dog because I'm in a relationship and they haven't been able to keep a relationship longer than 2 weeks, their words not mine. I'm confused and I don't know what to do.
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Recount of my life basically, read at your own discomfort, I'm just venting
Journals & Diaries / by Deadtiredperson175
Last post
 July 17th, 2024
...See more I was born to two fresh college kids who didn't mean to make me, my mother was the type to get around without caring if her boyfriend or husband would be hurt by it, and funnily enough, I when I was born, they thought a pedophile that my mother was sleeping with was my father, violating his parole just by being around me, sending him back to jail, and my dad is the classic Christian raised guy who didn't even know what sex was really. My dad married her, went off to the Air Force, and she sent him the divorce papers while he was in the military hospital, literally about to die from pneumonia. Luckily, he lived, and he went to go see me. My mother's side of the family is completely psychotic, so it's no wonder how I'm like the way I am. My grandma, her mother, wouldn't let my dad come near me, saying that my mom had to give him permission, which, the papers weren't even signed, so they were still married, and he just calmly called my mother and got permission from her. Over the next couple of years, my mother has gotten around to quite a few guys, but she married my step dad, who didn't like me. At all. She gave birth to my sister while with him, and my baby sister then suffocated to death in front of my 3 year old eyes while everyone else was asleep. I couldn't do anything, the bassinet fell over and she was underneath the mattress, know I was 3. I know I couldn't have possibly done anything. I know that. But still. And it doesn't help that my brother blamed me for it even though he never knew her or remembered her. I remember just sitting there, thinking she was just sleeping. The next morning, my mother and step dad wake up, call an ambulance, and two weeks later, my step dad hits her over something that I can't remember, and she divorced him, going back to my dad. Using him for rent money and free babysitting. Because what father, that isn't abusive, wouldn't want to spend time with their toddler daughter? He loved having me around, at his work, his apartment, just around him. I was a very quiet and obedient child, so I was easy and manageable, which was a behavior I developed because my mother used to scream and throw things around when I'd cry or get upset. My mother started taking my siblings and I to her friends house for babysitting a lot. I hated them, but of course, of I said anything, it'd end up with a wood paddle full of splinters and that room in their house that they sent the sick people to. Which my dad came over once to pick me up, but had a awful fever, and what did they do? They suck him in that room, barely feeding him and not trying my mother that he even came by, let alone was still there. Plus, their oldest son almost raped me, and I was only 4. I still have nightmares about that. Fast forward through all the attempted brainwashing, gaslighting, and other manipulation my grandma and aunts put me through, everything changed. I was 7, coming home from school on the bus, and my dad is sitting on the front porch, looking blank, like someone took his whole being out of his body and left the shell. I get worried and run up and start checking his temperature, as he'd had a seizure a year earlier, so I thought it was a health thing. He looks at me and tries to tell me that my mother is dead without actually saying the word dead. I didn't cry, if I did, it must have been maybe one tear, and we got money from the guy who was driving while drunk, catching the accident. I missed half of the 1st and 4th grade because we had to move around so much. YEARS after the fact, my school tried to put me in grief group, and it was completely involuntary on my part. It was awful. All those other kids, sad, heartbroken, affected, by their loved ones recent death, telling their story over and over and over and over again. And I'm just standing there, holding the conversation dice, feeling like I'm being stabbed over and over again for being such a horrible human being that I couldn't care less about my own mother's death, wondering why the actual *** I'm even there, as if I have the right to feel any of it as if I feel empathy for any of them. I remember getting extremely angry, launching the dice as far from me as I could, and running off after harshly shoving people out of my way, just needing to get out. After that, the school assigned me several personal counselors. It didn't help, I just got really good at evading or making up answers. I made several counselors quit their jobs. They then called my dad, and being the kid that just wants their parent less stressed and happy, I pretended to be fine. Even though every day for 3 years until I was 12, my brother was hitting me, emotionally, physically, and mentally abusing me, and then turning around and making it seem the other way around, using our dad's trauma with our aunt as a cover, my dad naturally being biased from that trauma to believe my brother over me. I'm going to stop here for today, it's late and I'm too much of an insomniac to sleep, but I'm going to try regardless, I'll write the rest some other time.
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