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DeathWish101
1,165 M Little Steps 3
PathStep 26 Compassion hearts35 Forum posts4 Forum upvotes5 Current upvotes5 Age GroupAdult Last activeMarch, 2016 Member sinceAugust 11, 2015
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Depression?
Depression Support / by DeathWish101
Last post
 August 13th, 2015
...See more I'm 14 and I've always felt as though I liked girls but my parents are very religious so they just taught me from a very young age that being gay is wrong and being straight is right, they never mentioned anything else. So when I was 7 or so I became very confused because I knew I had a liking for girls but I knew for a fact that a liked boys, so I didn't know where I stood. This confusion continued until I was 13 and someone asked if I was bisexual....of course I didn't know what it was, so I researched it and there it turns out, I was bisexual. I was angry at my parents for not telling me everything, they could have saved me all this confusion. Since that time, I started keeping things from them. It was usually minor stuff but then they turned into bigger issues. I used to get bullied a lot since I was 10 and I never told them, until one day I was so upset I told my dad...he said, "Don't respond to them, they'll leave you alone" but they never did. So I went to my mom and told her about it, she said "Don't let it bother you" But I was really soft so even if I was pretending not to care, I'd start tearing up and they'd laugh at me and when I told my parents they'd say "Well stop crying so easily!" But it wasn't something I could control. my emotions were all over the place. From then I just stopped going to my parents and I would argue with myself and say stuff in the mirror like "You're such a fool, stop crying! Little b*tch! I hate you! You deserve everything that happens!" and from doing this, my emotions sort of died so I didn't cry as easily as before and when I pretended not to care, it was passable, no one knew. This caused a change in my "friends", they thought that since I didn't care what anyone said to me , they could offend me in public and that's exactly what happened, they'd make jokes about me when I was around and everyone would just be laughing at me but I wasn't going to go soft again, so I'd just laugh with them. This still happens to this very day. Everyday is another fake smile that everyone believes. I need to act happy to make my "friends" happy so that's what I do. When I go home, my parents always wonder why I'm not smiling or why I don't talk as much and it's because I'm exhausted from a day of smiling and talking to people. No more pretending. No smiling. But they don't know what happens at school so I don't blame them for asking why I don't smile. Recently I got so tired of smiling I just stopped. Some people realized but others didn't. And if they did they didn't care. I never thought about being depressed but then people started asking, so i went and took a bunch of quizzes online and they all said I have severe depression. I started watching videos on youtube and reading about it and then I realized. I just might be depressed. So, I did what I did before, I told my mom. I forget to mention that I started self-harming when I was 12. I still do now. Anyway, when I told my mom, she said "You don't have depression, you just think so because of all the stupid books you're reading" and it turned into an argument. She recently saw the scars on my arm and she said "Stop cutting yourself, it's devilish" and I don't know what's wrong with my parents...why won't they listen to me? I don't know. But I still do everything for myself. I don't need them to carry me to a doctor. I take my quizzes online and I know they might not be accurate but I take about ten quizzes in one month and I do this every month. My depression has definitely gotten worse because now I'm thinking about suicide. I actually planned it and I know when, where and how it's gonna happen. Even in planning this I'm still worried what people will think of me when they hear I committed suicide. That's right, I have anxiety (S.A.D). I write everything in my journal but then I decided I'll just let everything out here. In all, I have depression, anxiety, binge-eating disorder and I might be bipolar, that's the only one I'm not sure about. There's probably lots more to talk about but I tried to fit the major things in here so...
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