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Doingmybest333
1 1,314 M Little Steps 4
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts22 Forum posts6 Forum upvotes5 Current upvotes5 Age GroupAdult Last activeNovember, 2022 Member sinceJune 1, 2021
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Letting go the hurt of betrayal
Relationship Stress / by Doingmybest333
Last post
 July 8th, 2022
...See more I started dating my ex pretty young, around 15. We dated for almost four years. The relationship itself had many problems, very hot and cold, at times condescending, and just immature. We did love each other for what we knew love to be at the time, and we were a team (though at times very dysfunctional). He was my first everything, and up until recently, the only person I ever loved in a romantic sense. I’m 23 now, but if I close my eyes, I can still remember how it ended, and I feel it so deep that I still cry. I found out he was cheating, and it wasn’t a couple of times. It was for years, he basically was only loyal the first year that we got together. We were living together, we slept together every night cuddled under the sheets and had breakfast every morning, we were involved in family events and work events, we had a freaking joint bank account and we’re buying a house, I had a miscarriage. We had a whole life built together from nothing. My home life was pretty destructive growing up, so at the time his love was the safest thing I knew. There was no rational reason to doubt his loyalty, as he only cheated on me during work trips out of state. When I found out what he did and all the details, I had a full blown psychotic episode, I literally left his parents house barefoot through the streets… screaming, laughing, crying. I felt like I had no control over my body. I was convulsing. I couldn’t breathe. His neighbors probably thought I was a psychopath, because I was really screaming with all the air in my lungs. The other woman was his girlfriend, I was his fiancé, and her cousin was his work trip hookup. We all lived in different states, so I only found out because he gave me his old laptop when I started college, but he forgot to unhook the texting app from his laptop. Anyways… I have come to forgive him (something I never thought I would be capable of in the beginning). I know we were both young, and as humans we are only able to give what we have within us. He had faults, and he made mistakes. I forgive him. He was not a bad person, he was just a person who made some bad choices, and chose to hurt me. But that just shows what horrible beliefs and mind set he must have held at the time in order to be making those decisions in the first place. I forgive him, and I truly hope he’s doing better because I know all the amazing things he is capable of. Even with forgiving him, and learning the lesson of putting myself first, it still hurts. it physically hurts me still that this happened, and it’s making it infinitely harder to navigate my new love. I met someone who is patient, kind, understanding, fun, present, and caring. I just get so scared of him betraying me. I never want to feel that way again, because I’m still hurting years later from the first time. I do my best to release control, as I know that the best I can do is give what I have to give. So I love him without holding back, and I’m honest. In the end, if things do not work out, I know I’ll go on with my life because the strength is within me. My first ex tried for a year after we broke up to win me back, but I fell out of love when I saw just how deeply he deceived me. So I know I am strong enough to walk away, and become a better person for it. I’ve done so much since that first breakup, I moved to a completely different country and started my own business before 21, and every day I feel closer to becoming the woman I’ve always wanted to be. I am so proud of myself, and I now know that I do not need anyone to complete me, but I am happy to have someone who complements me. That’s what my old partner vs new partner dynamic means to me. Though I know I’ll be okay no matter what because the strength is within me, and my big heart is something that I love about myself, my willingness to try and care, I just never want to go through that hurt again. I’m not afraid of things not working out with my current partner, I’m afraid of him manipulating me, using me, subduing me, wasting years of my time and energy on someone who did not truly value me… that’s what I’m terrified of, of not truly knowing who is sleeping next to me. And though my partner and I openly talk, and he is very reassuring, it still terrifies me… because of just how well my ex lied, it was like he was two different people. I never want to be used like that again. I want to take the lessons that I have learned, let go of that hurt, and to never have the misfortune of being stringed like a puppet again. I don’t want to keep feeling this pain. I feel like I’ve come so far, but just thinking about this makes me cry. I feel pain in my chest, and it’s like I’m right back in that moment, walking the streets alone and crying out for anyone, anything, to just make it stop.
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