Downwardsspiral Member Profile

...See more Hello, I am 43 and have been with the same woman for 22 years. We have been married for the past 19 this upcoming June 4th would/hope could be our anniversary. I have been diagnosed and treated for Bipolar since the age of 14. For the past 10 years, I have also been treated for PTSD/Anxiety and OCD. About 2 months ago we worked out that OCD may not be the correct issue to be working on and in fact, it was ADHD. Just 1 day after being on the new medication I felt different. Over the weeks I felt much better. Thoughts were not keeping me in such a loop and I was able to get some things done. I would even get comments from my wife on how much better I was doing. Suddenly as of last Tuesday, May 17th she told me she doesn't know how she feels about us and can't be here anymore. I ask why and how we can find a way to work on this or get help but she shuts me out. She stayed at home with me and our 2 kids until Sunday when she left to stay with her co-worker and her co-worker's husband. Over this past week, she has checked in and stopped by, as her work and the place she is staying is but a 5 min walk from our place. She has untreated depression and she has always suspected she may have ADHD but never tried to get help. Suggesting getting help now has made her angry. When she stops by she tells me she is still working on herself which is fine but then will always follow by telling me how she has barely any time with work stress and then is tired from work. She has told me I can messenger if I want but I can't talk about us. Up until a few weeks ago, we were making plans for the summer and she would express her love for me but now it's like it's vanished. Seeing my kids in pain makes the hurt even more painful. My normal support system has been saying things that just make me hurt more. Saying I have always settled for crumbs and I'm just afraid of having real love where it's expressed from another. My wife has never been all too expressive but I was happy with what I had and my family. I am on disability so without her income or help our apartment of 15 years is in danger of being lost. We have been on Section 8 and even with that, I won't be able to get by. MY thoughts race and drag me down. I haven't been able to eat or keep anything down since she first told me. She makes sure I know she is doing ok and it just makes me feel worse. I have not one friend to turn to and both my parents have passed away in the past 5 years. I have thought of joining this site for over a week. Last night I was in the bathroom and I missed the call she gave to say good night to the kids and me. Her not waiting a moment sent me into a panic inside. It was like tunnel vision and I needed to find help. I feel like something changed last night as time is just disappearing on me and things feel like they are moving slow. I can even feel the air on my skin in a way I never felt. I'm so scared. I know I will be alone and I do not know how to get out of it. I'm sure this is rather jumbled as I am typing this with a silent panic so my kids don't see. Someone, please help me.

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