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EchosEcho
196 M Embraced 1
PathStep 2 Compassion hearts18 Forum posts2 Forum upvotes3 Current upvotes3 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2017 Member sinceAugust 25, 2017
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Echo's Diary of Trauma and Effects
Trauma Support / by EchosEcho
Last post
 October 13th, 2019
...See more So here will just be my area to actually get some things out. I haven't talked about things like this much, but given what today is, I'll start. This is a smaller one on what people would consider important, but to me it was quite more effective at destroying me ***POSSIBLE TRIGGER*** One of my little guinea pig girls had been fighting something during the summer. She'd stopped eating, and her teeth had gotten so overgrown she couldn't even move her tongue... She was so skinny when I got back from summer school, but mom didn't want to take her to the vet. It took me a week to get her to make that call. When we got there, the vet told us she was severely underweight and her teeth were the worst he'd ever seen. They'd have to do surgery, but first we'd have to feed her something until she got her weight back up. So we force fed her a powder mix made from veggies and fruits (It smelled good). She did not want to eat, and I knew that feeling all too well for a year or so back, so I didn't make her eat all of it every time. After a month, Flicker (Her name) went back to the vet for something other than fluids and weight. She went in for surgery. It took 48 hours for us to be able to take her home. She was eating on her own, drinking, and doing normal things! She'd beg for treats, and I've never wanted to hear something more. We went to a city closer to my new school for a week to drop me off. She was doing great! One year ago today, I was at my new boarding school. It was the second day in, and things seemed to be great. My harming marks from the summer were healed, so I could wear short sleeves again. My classes were simple, and since I'd gone in for a summer session, I knew many of the teachers and students. I even had two close friends. My anxiety and other issues were down, so I thought it would be great. In my last class, my study skills, I was called upstairs by guidence. This was rather normal for me, as I had to be watched a little more than others. I didn't register her strained and concerned face until days later. It didn't bother me that there was a phone call until I heard my parents forcing calming tones into their voice. They only did that when something bad was happening. "Hey Echo..." "Echo, we have to talk to you about Flicker..." Now I've felt fear, I've had instinct reactions, but I've never felt so many thoughts fly by my head before. Every terror flashed through me as I tried to deny what was about to be said. "She's not hear anymore." And I broke. I was crying and and hugging my arm and the phone. I kept saying "It's okay", but it wasn't okay. It was never okay. I cried for over an hour on the phone with them, repeating those words over and over, before I had to leave. The guidence walked me down to get my stuff and we ran into my elder friend. She came over and grabbed my arms "What's wrong". All I had to say was "Flicker" and she knew what was wrong. She hugged me and I cried openly in front of her for the first time. Over the summer I was her roommate and we constantly talked about pets. She knew how much that little ball of fluff was to me. I cried every night until I was numb. I lashed out at friends and isolated. I harmed myself and began to hallucinate more than before. I was constantly scared, running from things not there, and talking to things no one else could hear. My baby was gone forever. I wasn't even there like I promised I would be. I'd failed her. The harming eventually got me kicked out because they couldn't handle someone who they thought was A: making things up, or B: insane and in need of an asylum. One teacher called me possessed during an episode... I just wanted Flicker back. At home, I could hold Whiskers as much as I wanted. I could check on her every other minute to make sure she was okay. When I was afraid she'd be gone I could simply go upstairs and make sure she was fine. I went into public school again. New friends, but I still missed the ones I didn't get to say goodbye to. Beginning of 2017 I was hospitalized. The hospital was terrible and abusive, so dad pulled me out. End of Febuary I was back in a different one, this time much better. After that I was in an outpatient program for over 3 months. (They were amazing) During the summer however, I struggled. It was a fear of a date, this date. It's been a year and I don't want it to have been. She feels farther than ever, and everyone tells me to move on. I loved her like she was a human child. She was like a human to me. If your baby died, would a year be enough to "Get over it?" No. No it would not be. The whole proccess of grief varies so much that some people take an excess of 4 years. I just want my baby girl back. She was almost 5 years old, and her sister is turning 6 without her. I miss her.
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