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EmbracingChaos
842 M Little Steps 1
PathStep 31 Compassion hearts170 Forum posts84 Forum upvotes137 Current upvotes137 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2024 Member sinceApril 19, 2022
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Traumatic loneliness?
Trauma Support / by EmbracingChaos
Last post
 May 18th, 2022
...See more I have another question. I’m a little desperate to know if there is anyone else out there like me, or if it’s just me. Has anybody spent their younger years completely alone? What I mean is, yes I had parents, but they made it understood in words that they did not love me. It was an abusive home in more ways than one. There were no other relatives to go live with or take custody of me. There were no family friends, adult role models, anyone looking out for me. No one knew what was going on. I wasn’t allowed to have friends. When I got old enough to leave legally, I tried to have friends, but I wasn’t very good at it, so at some point I stopped trying to make any. I spent a very long time alone. I have tried to share my story, but no one understands really. They have sympathy sometimes, and I’m not complaining about that part. I have support now. They can’t always understand my feelings or why I am the way I am though. I’ve never met anyone before who had quite this kind of history. I have even met people who have been through horrendous things worse than me, but for example they had family to help them through it so they moved past it easier. And so when I get depressed, this gets used as ammunition against myself. I don’t want to feel different anymore. As a disclaimer, I should add that I am finally not alone anymore. It’s taking me some time to comprehend that it really is over and things won’t be like that anymore. It left its mark on me. I wondered if maybe knowing I’m not the only one might help me move on from it some. If you have been through this and have advice, that’s welcome, but I just want to know it’s not just me.
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Pessimism or something else?
Trauma Support / by EmbracingChaos
Last post
 May 4th, 2022
...See more I’m not sure if this is the right place to post this, maybe should be in depression or personality disorder, even OCD. I put it here because I think my PTSD is the root of it all. I’d like to know if anyone else here does this. Without getting into details, basically my life was very ugly and empty since I can remember. Many years later, things are finally turning around. I can actually say I have a good life, job, home, family. I feel really good some days. I still have depression, and I know that will take some time because I’m still working through stuff. But like even when I’m not depressed or having a memory, I might be having a great day, but it’s like my mind wants to be sad. This really bothers me. I’m trying to figure out if I’m just a pessimist, masochist, if it’s part of my personality, if it’s a trait of the personality disorder, if it’s obsessive thoughts, if it’s just an effect of PTSD trying to be ready for the worst, if it’s mood disorder, or if it’s self-harm punishing myself. I even wondered if it’s an addiction, chemically in my mind, like I’m so used to being sad that I have withdrawals when I’m finally not sad.
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About me
Trauma Support / by EmbracingChaos
Last post
 April 22nd, 2022
...See more I’m not sure which group I should join. There are so many I think I fit into here, I don’t know how to pick. My therapist said I have had traumas. I have a lot of diagnoses. I feel like a jumble of mess and a pile of nothing at the same time. I know some things about me, but I don’t know who I am. I’ve gone through these phases where I was mostly anxious for years, then sad for some more years. Now I’m just pretty angry. I have good feelings too, but it’s like I don’t really know how to express them. I’m never very excited or laugh really hard. I understand why after learning about my diagnoses, but it doesn’t make me feel any better about it. I feel very far away from other people. Except my husband and kids, they’re the only people I feel connected to. Before I had them, I don’t like remembering what life was like then. I wish I could feel happier now that I have them. It’s like I am, I’m thankful, I feel a lot, but something in my mind stops me from fully experiencing things. That’s all I can think of for now. I picked this name because I used to hate who I was, but there’s like this angry side of me that wants to defiantly embrace all my chaos.
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