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Ever since my father passed away 10 months ago, things have been so hard for the family. I will first give some background. My immediate family is currently composed of myself (21), my brother (22), and my mom, and we all live together in the same house now. Right now, I am on vacation before grad school begins in three weeks while my brother is working a 9 to 5 job in our town. I just graduated from college last May, but my brother, who was also a student, did not graduate yet.
He has always given my parents a hard time since starting college in 2016. He barely passed his courses with Cs and Ds. He lost his scholarship in his second year, but he assured my dad that he would make sure to graduate in May 2020. One month before he graduated, my parents found out he lied again, because he actually did not complete his requirements by May 2020 and was registering for classes in Summer 2020, so he lied about his graduation. In a very tense discussion, he told my parents that he never wanted to go to college to begin with and that he was only going to school for them instead of himself.
Then, the plan was for him to graduate in December 2020, but my dad died in September. He then told my mom he successfully completed his capstone and all his requirements by December 2020, but he would not receive his actual bachelor's degree until sometime in Spring 2021. Finally, he lied to my mom AGAIN. He did not complete his capstone by December 2020 like we believed but instead told his capstone advisor that he would take time off college and return to it another time. He told my mom he would return to it and graduate as a dedication to dad, but as of July 2021, he is still working his full-time job in town, but has NOT returned to complete his capstone and finally graduate college, despite how hard my dad worked with his job to financially support our college education. It feels like all of dad's efforts and all his money invested in my brother's college education was for nothing, and I do not know how the hell he can complete his capstone now that he has a full-time job.
The most frustrating thing about this is that only I, my mom, and one family friend know that he has not graduated yet. We've kept it a secret to my paternal side of the family, so they all believe that he still graduated in December 2020, he graduated a semester later than the expected May 2020 because "COVID pushed back his capstone", and he does not have graduation pictures because "his school did not give the opportunity due to COVID". This is all BS to hide his secret.
As of right now, my brother is using my dad's car, but he does not pay for rent, pay for the car insurance, and he does not help with the house chores (mow the lawn, paint, organize boxes in the house, wash the dishes, take the trash). I do help my mom with the chores since I am in the house on vacation. He also does not help us take care of the paperwork that we have to do since my dad died (transferring the house from my dad's name to her name, etc.). He is a very picky eater and often tells my mom her food is gross and does not seem to desire to learn how to cook for himself. If he is in the house and my mom is not cooking anything, he drives out for fast food instead. He constantly orders crap he does not need (clothes, electronics, etc.) on Amazon, which annoys my mom. He also does not make his bed, which I do not have a problem with, but my mom does because she likes things to be neat. Whenever my mom asks him for help with something around the house, or even she tries to have a normal conversation with him most of the time, he responds so rudely, saying things like "Why don't you ask EpicGusher to do it?" or "Why don't you do it yourself?". My paternal family thinks my brother is a good son who speaks kindly to his mom, supports his mom through her grief, and helps his mom out with everything, but this is not true.
After my brother left for work today, my mom was extremely distraught and crying. She told me she had enough with my brother, and I can completely understand her anger given everything I mentioned above. She really wants to just tell him to either help her out and not be so rude, but she already wants to just kick him out of the house, since he does not help and adds to her mountain of stress.
It is worth noting that my brother has suffered from clinical depression and suicidal thoughts during his teens and my parents had him see a therapist for a little while back then. We know deep down that my brother is a good person and that he is lacking emotional intelligence. We see his behavior not as a representation of who he is but as a symptom of a need that has not been met, or something another issue not right with his mental/emotional health. However, he refuses to see a mental health professional, saying that it will not help him. He prefers to deal with overwhelming emotions either by distracting himself with his job, enjoying his video games and eating junk food, going to the gym (which is good when he chooses this option), or by drinking alcohol.
It is very difficult to talk to him because emotionally, he is a closed book. Even though we live in the same house, I barely talk to him for this reason (I do not know/I feel uncomfortable talking to him). When you try to open him up emotionally, he loses patience and will yell nasty, demeaning things to you in anger. Because of that, we both do not know how to even approach talking to him about dad's death, his emotions, etc. I believe he finds it uncomfortable to emotionally open up and again, probably lacks the emotional intelligence to do so (someone can tell me I am wrong about this because although I have spoken to a mental health professional, I am not one myself).
I already suggested to my mom to have a conversation with my brother about how his actions make her feel, as well as letting him know that she can kick him out of the house. I also strongly suggested to my mom to share my brother's no-graduation secret with someone else besides me, so she does not have to shoulder the stress of keeping the secret to herself. She does not want to tell the paternal side of my family though because if they find out and scold my brother, she is afraid he is going to snap in anger at her for exposing him. Other than those suggestions though, is there anything I can really do in my position here? Is it my responsibility to help my mom and brother here and to what extent? I am going away to school in three weeks and my mom told me not to worry about it, but it feels wrong to not intervene in any way. On the other hand, I can't change my brother, so it feels wrong as well trying to demand him to change his behavior or convince him to seek mental help. This has been stressing me out and I do not know what to do, except share my story with all my heart to the world.
