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...See more Hello. I am so confused about myself, my feelings and the relationship that I have right now. Recently I left my country for college and now I'm living on campus with people and since then my life just changed in a very weird way. First of all, I started doing the things that are unusual to me. Back home I had a crush on a guy with whom I talked before living the country and I felt so bad that I will not be able to see him until the end of the year. Even during my flight I cried a lot because I developed these feelings, but in my life I never was able to share my love to any guy because I was rejected all the time. This time I thought that the guy liked me as well and the distance thing literally broke my heart into pieces. But when I came to a new country I met a guy who got my attention, I don't know how but I started to be attracted to him from day 1, even so he is not my type of people. He has a different skin colour and I never knew that I can fall in love with someone like him. He is way younger than me. I thought about spending a night with him, being a friend to him, but nothing more. I never had any such experiences before and the fact that this guy seemed disposed towards me from the first day created a good impression about him. The day after he went to my room and we watched a movie in my bed. This was his decision to come to me, but to be honest I already thought about something like that and I told myself that there will be nothing serious regarding my feelings towards him. So, while watching movies, we started feeling the sexual arousal towards each other, he played with my hair and then I realized that that's the new feelings that I never experienced in my life before. Then next day I decided to come to his room and I hugged him, and again we started feeling the same thing. We did not do much, but the feelings that I experienced confused me a lot because that's not typical for myself to do something with the guy who is new and who is not my boyfriend (whom I never had before). So, the next day I talked to him and apologized because I regretted that I did this. However, he was fine with that and he said that we can do something more but without feelings. That's what I planned from the begging and that's what made me trapped. I did not plan to be close friends with him because I have just half a year to finish my studies, for now it's been almost two month since I came and I feel like I made a close bound with him and for him we are just friends. I wanted to have something more meaningful and deep but he control it and sometimes put the walls between us, such as disappearing from my life for a couple of days, lying to me, telling me that he wants other girls, he doesn't want a relationship, that I'm pretty boring in sexual sense and etc. He also told me that our relationship (which he just calls friendship) is just our secret. Three weeks ago he came to my room and we hugged and we started kissing, but in the middle of our kisses he chocked me several times just for fun even so I told him before that I don't like such manifestations. My neck still hurts sometimes and I felt so bad after this incident. He apologized many times and I really see that he is sorry, and he never did this again with me, but because he hurted me and I could not talk about this to anyone because it is a secret it made me feel lonely with my deep feelings, confusion and not knowing what to do next. I still don't know what to do, because I really like him, but even so he kisses me and allows me to do petting with him (not always) I feel like he rejects me emotionally which makes me depressive. I can not break up with him, I really like him as a friend, he is the only person (among guys) with whom I feel like I can talk about everything because I even talked to him about the things that nobody knows. The things that I like about him is that he can see small details about me, he knows when I feel lonely, when I'm sick and he even told me what happend to me by just looking at me. I told him how special he is for me, he also told me the same, but he said because he's not considering the relationship thing it's better for us to keep distance sometimes and he that he will kill his feelings if he'll get some. I also don't want to stop talking to him because we literally live in the same dorm house and I will see him everyday until I'm done with my college. I want to be closer to him, and even to have sex with him, he also wants this, but he's not forcing, maybe sometimes, but I'm not sure what to do, because he makes me both happy and really sad. The biggest problem for me is also the fact that he doesn't want to consider me as the only sexual partner, but I can not accept it. I can not stop being with him and I can not even think about the fact that he can have someone else. I have pretty much nobody to talk about it and it hurts so much.

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