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...See more *Trigger Warning*childhood abuse and probable unreliable nararator When I was 8 there was this 12 year old girl (who was only at my house this one time that I can remember) that I messed around with (it's hazy but I'm pretty sure she initiated things). I had a hormone imbalance so my body thought I was older than I actually was (basically you could see my development). I was a kid who didn't really have actual friends and talked to teachers at recess. I was at a 3rd grade level in kindergarden but was forced to stay in kindergarden. I guess this is relevant because I don't know if I thought I was smart or something but what happened didn't feel wrong at the time. After that I found these anonymous sites where I'd anonymously chat with older men and sometimes women (I had noticed that older men had looked at me in a certain way when I was in public so I figured it would transfer). I inacted several scenes similar to my own experience or fears that I had on the websites and I also sent pictures (I never included my face). I sought degradation, humiliation, and other horrors on these sites because I felt unworthy, dirty, and ugly (When I got to high school I noticed that the boys my age didn't look at me the way men did which gave me self image issues). I would peel myself away from these places only to come back and I repeated this cycle for many years unfortunately. I just recently pulled myself away from these places again and I told my mom and brother what happened to me as a child and the fact that I was on those sites in hopes that them knowing would give me the strength to not go back. I'm honestly ashamed to say that I talked to these men and women with twisted thoughts such as "Call me pretty," "Tell me you like me," "Tell me I'm good," "Tell me that I'm not awful for remembering what happened feeling good" "Tell me I'm not f*cked up" and thoughts like "Maybe that's why what happened to me happened," "Maybe I'm helping some other kid if they're getting off to me on here," "Maybe this is all I'm worth," "Maybe this is all I'm good for." Honestly I'm not proud of the sexual situations I've created in response to my trauma and my self-hatred. I also hope that if I've hurt anyone in my past due to my trauma they can forgive me. I hope I can forgive myself.

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