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I'm not quite sure where to start or what I hope to get from this. It's not easy for me to write this as I don't feel I should be 'moaning' when there are other people that are worse off than me and also handling their situation better than I do. But I feel I've come to a point where I might slip under and not come back. My history is long but I'll keep it as short as possible. I became ill with M.E (Myalgic Encephalomyelitis) in 1994. It's more commonly known as C.F.S (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) in some parts of the world. Though that's a term disliked by many sufferers as the term 'Fatigue' belies the serious nature of the illness. For many, myself included, fatigue is the most debilitating symptom but 'fatigue' isn't an accurate term. Exhaustion to the point of frequently being confined to bed, would be more accurate. The times not spent in bed are mostly spent in a sedate way so as to not require any more bed rest than is necessary. After 20 years of frequently being forced to lay in bed, you want to avoid doing things which make you so ill as to have no option but to lay there. Lay there until you're well enough to sit up again, often in sensory deprivation as with the exhaustion comes a multitude of other symptoms such as severe sensitivity to light, sound, smells. Pain, burning skin, fever-like switching between being hot and cold. Because M.E isn't a 'popular' illness, very little biomedical research has been done on the cause and potential treatments. In fact, in my country (UK), no money has been spent on such research. The only treatment options available publicly are symptomatic treatments such as pain management. Thanks to poor and damaging press coverage over the years (yuppie flu etc), it's only now beginning to covered in a serious way. M.E destroys lives, only a minority recover. For most it is ultimately a slow and torturous death sentence as on average people with M.E die 25% younger than someone healthy. Those who have severe M.E are bed bound 24hrs a day. Unable to feed, clean or care for themselves. In such cases many die much sooner but only after years of what must be utter torture. For those us of who are somewhere in the middle of the severity scale, the lives we do lead are a constant battle. A battle with our bodies, the medical profession, the stigma the illness has attracted and for many, a battle with the depression that comes from years of being seriously ill. I consider myself one of the lucky ones, as despite being very limited in what I can do, I am least able to get out now and then and do some enjoyable things. However, I'm unable to fully care for myself without help and my illness is likely to deteriorate as time goes on. To be honest, as hard as living with this illness is, it's more the affect that it has had on me mentally that is my biggest worry. I'm a shell of the person I was. Gone is the outgoing, sociable, relatively positive person. For some time now I've been irritable, short tempered, miserable, pessimistic, and it's only getting worse. My drive and determination went years ago. Despite my limitations I could still achieve something with my life if I really put my mind to it but I find getting through each day takes all that I have. It's hard to see the positives, I'm 35 now and my best years are behind me. Yes I'm far from old but my body is failing me faster than a regular person. I'm an only child and my parents are not in good health themselves. My mother also has M.E and it is severe at the moment. She is barely able to leave the house and it is putting extra strain on us all. I'll likely never be able to have children, or work. I'll never know again the joys of a long walk, a run, the self worth of having a job and contributing to society instead of being a drain on it. What little money I have goes on private treatment. The treatment has helped a little bit it will not get me any better than it has and now I'm stuck with the decision of continuing expensive treatment just to maintain the status quo of health or stopping it and deteriorating more. I'm incredibly frustrated with myself. I feel I could do more with my life but I just don't know how. I don't have any drive, determination, hope. At the moment I
