FishPhos21 Member Profile

Being mentally ill and in a healthy relationship!

Relationship Stress / by FishPhos21

March 31st, 2023

...See more I don’t understand relationships, I’m a person who have been on a search to be loved because she loved greatly even though she didn’t know what love is and because she grew up with being abused and neglect. I have been in toxic relationships and I have been groomed before.. I’m still trying to find my way to heal. I sought out those people though, to be loved from them because I wanted to feel wanted I desperately needed them to want me like how I wanted them but all I got was hatred from them and coercion into sexual acts and sending photos. After being groomed some months later I met my current boyfriend, he sought me out. He liked me first. That’s so crazy to me. How can someone like me first isn’t it funny because I am the one always doing the looking and the chasing. Among our friends who are thousands of miles away we lived in the same state and city! I was so.. surprised so happy. We were talking at first romantically until some things happened between us but we found our way to each other. Me and him both have to endure living with horrible parents. He put up with me, with all my mental issues my bpd my relationship anxiety and I.. I cried in his arms because I never felt this way, I never felt so loved it was overwhelming, too much. I was confused like “ should I feel this way “ I kept pushing and pulling from him because I was afraid of commitment and have abandonment issues which stems from my old partners never dating me and leaving me. My boyfriend is the opposite of me very logical and I’m emotional he is optimistic I am pessimistic. I have been since working on myself to better myself/mental and build our relationship! I have gotten so good at communication! Well guess what! My relationship anxiety has been setting in! Our relationship was thriving and it still is but my depression and anxiety has.. risen.. greatly that it is impacting our relationship. When I got off this bc and got my period I had a random thought that I didn’t love my boyfriend, it was an— aggressive screaming that I didn’t love him. I was so shocked because where did this come from? How can my mind just ignore how I feel, ignore the emotions that are flowing in me??? I was so confused and I got instantly depressed and triggered. My abandonment issues arose from the dead and I tried pulling away from him but I still hanged onto him because he just felt.. right. I felt like what we had wasn’t done wasn’t over and I hung onto that feeling, that gut feeling. I kept researching what this anxiety might be and if I could have any mental illnesses and I was asking my friends if my relationship was different from the others for reassurance but the reassurance always made it come back. Then I started developing intrusive thoughts about an old limerent crush I had. I started to check my feelings, started to see if I was attracted to other men.. I was just spiraling all together! These intrusive thoughts made me sick, they made my have a headache, made my head very tense and I disassociated. When I thought about my boyfriend though I became happy, my head cleared and I just feel like I’m on cloud 9 with him, its so calming not chaotic like my other relationships. I just love it. My boyfriend is the first person I had dreams about I believe, good dreams. And sometimes… an abandonment dream here and there. Lol. I just feel as if my anxiety and depression is really affecting my relationship and I do! Want to be with him. I do. I never felt so sure about myself before. He gets me, he makes me feel safe, loved but not only that. I want to see him happy, not sad, I want to see him smile because his smile is the most finest thing to have ever happened to man! The anxiety and intrusive actually stopped .. they’re on and off tbh just random. Yeah.. (: my boyfriend made me feel normal, he makes me feel happy and just being with him gives me a lot of reasons to love life, it makes me see the world in a clearer view rather that black and white! I’ve been in touch with the activities I used to do

After effects.. help

Trauma Support / by FishPhos21

February 13th, 2023

...See more In my waking life I was/am a victim a CSA from multiple people but I especially have extreme trauma from my brother. I have a boyfriend who I love dearly.. I never felt so…. Loved, like I wanted to change start a new leaf. I want this— him to be all different from any pst unhealthy relationship I had. Hm.. Well I’m struggling with the after effects of the trauma though. I’m actually going through being bashed because I chose to speak out because my boyfriend has encouraged me and instilled so much strength into me. Besides that, as I said I’m going through after effects. I try hard to have s** with my boyfriend but it’s hard.. it’s so hard. I’m scared of everything. I can be so aroused in the moment but when it gets to the sex part I just can’t do it. “It hurts too bad” I say, while that maybe the case I’m scared of sex but I really want to have s** with him, him being my first and last lol but I physically can’t, I’m scared of the pain, the trauma my brother inflicted on me. I feel as though s** shouldn’t hurt and I want to skip to the part where it doesn’t hurt. I cried in my boyfriends chest today about it and I felt so relieved after.. so relieved. I’m trying to open up — my body. But it’s so stressful and it gets too much for me. I had told him I wished I was normal and didn’t have to go through this, I wish it wouldn’t be such a pain to want to have s** with someone I love. I broke down in front of him. It was a lot. I’m tired of being scared and pushing him away. I feel bad for doing it. Pushing him away and wasting the supplies we need. I’m scared of s** but I really want to have s** with him. I always find my legs tightening and my hand in front of his chest so it won’t happen because I’m scared of it all. Im really scared.

I’m tired so tired

Trauma Support / by FishPhos21

February 9th, 2023

...See more TW - animal abuse (added Feb 8, 2023) My mom has since let go of herself.. she didn’t tell her reasoning but she said it’s because my brother and me ( him abusing me and my other sisters ) since then she has adopted cats.. well not adopted but yeah. She lets many cats breed and have babies in my room, all over the house, the couch. I’m so tired. Because I’m remorseful and believe they shouldn’t be thrown outside because she is being irresponsible she has decided to make me care for them when it’s her responsibility and not mine. I’m tired. The couch smells, poop and pee everywhere because of all the animals and I have had more than 30+ cats. I’m so tired. It’s a never ending cycle and it won’t stop. We have about 5 dogs as well and they contribute. About 2-4 cats have died and I’m tired. She has made me bury them and throw them out and it’s draining me so much because I actually care for them. It’s so sad I’m so sad. Even the big cat has died. She dumps so much bleach on the floor and chemicals for the pee and it makes me sick and like I can’t breathe. she doesn’t even deserve empathy or sympathy whstever because she doesn’t actually care about the situations. I’m tired of her I just want to leave.

My mind goes against how I feel.

Relationship Stress / by FishPhos21

February 8th, 2023

...See more im tried of being extremely sad and obsessing over these reoccurring thoughts. I sometimes wish I hadn’t experienced toxic relationships so I’d be better and happier with my boyfriend. After all the abuse and stress I dealt with in my other relationships before him just lingers. The after effects. I gotten groomed before me and my boyfriend talked. The groomer told me he loved me, we exchanged ***. He talked to other people though, way older than me and age appropriate.. even a man. I didn’t know he felt that way about men because he denied it. It makes me sick to even think about my experience with him. He hurt me. It’s so weird. all the men I have been in relationships with have left me in a year. They all lied to me. Hurt me. Left me with some more trauma. I don’t want to bring this to my relationship. I don’t want to hurt him. And I don’t want to leave him. im tired of the weird intrusive and obsessive thoughts that I don’t love him, that he doesn’t love me. That we aren’t compatible. Obsessing over simple attraction, feeling like I shouldn’t be. Scared of attraction to others. When I am with him he makes me feel so calm, a little touch from him just feels so warm and calms me. His voice. Is so soothing. His personality. The way he walks. His smile. His humor. I even love the things I dislike because it’s him. I always feel this way when I’m with him— always. I don’t like being left alone or leaving him because when I leave I get sad and the thoughts come. The intrusive. We have been together for a year and maybe 3 months. These thoughts started when I was on and off of birth control and I started to obsess over them since. I hate my mind. I just wish to be able to love him in peace. Free from toxic thoughts.

I don’t know how to put this into a title

Trauma Support / by FishPhos21

February 11th, 2023

...See more I feel physically sick right now. I sometimes wish I can go back into the past and experience those times again but that was a depressing time for me. I sometimes also wish I could become pretty and popular again so I can have everyone attention and have friends again. But that wasn’t good at all either, I’d just be lying to myself about who I am again, I’d be sad. I want everyone one to know I’m pretty— I was bullied pretty badly for my hair texture, skin color body and etc. now that i am “ pretty “ I want to stay that way and continue to put on wigs so everyone deem I am attractive. I miss being that popular girl. I notice the bad in what I am saying though. To go back in those times WOULDNT be good I want to focus on the present not the past, the past has hurt me and I don’t want to be stuck there. To be the ‘ popular girl ‘ would just mean me making a fool out of myself again and trying to be the class clown while I’m severely depressed and everyone doesn’t know. To want to be seen as ‘ attractive ‘ by others would mean I’m betraying myself because I am trying to focus on recognizing my own beauty, build my confidence and finding love within myself. I don’t want their acceptance because it doesn’t last for long. I don’t want to crave that attention like a drug. Its even hard to accept compliments. I just started to be told I am pretty maybe 1-2 years ago. It’s hard. My boyfriend tells me my hair is and I’ve become comfortable wearing it out. But sometimes I dislike it. My boyfriend helps me a lot, he has made me love myself and him. I feel like craving that attention to be seen as pretty would be betraying him as well. I don’t ever want to betray him. Sometimes I become so depressed it is hard to feel anything. It’s just hard. I will keep fighting though, keep pushing to reach my end result to be happy in my own body! To feel, to be happy again (:

My relationships! (:

Relationship Stress / by FishPhos21

February 6th, 2023

...See more First relationship : We will call him D, I liked D but he did not like me, he always bashed me for my hair texture and my skin color but when he asked me out I thought he actually liked me! I believe he just lied to me and when he broke up with me I was devastated. Situationship : We will call him J, J was a good man but we were 2 years apart and the maturity difference was insane. He was a nice dude I found him attractive but my friends didn’t and always bashed me for it so I stopped talking to J and for some years I felt the backlash of that. I had missed him, he was a good person though. We were alike. We made up though and he is a friend which I’m glad! I don’t think we were meant to be together lol Situationship 2: Another J.. he was a horrible person. Horrible. He took advantage of me, made me lose all of my friends because I liked him and my friend liked him. He got with her in the end. I was upset. After he came back to me used me some more and kept getting into relationships while giving me false hope. I kept seeing the food in him because I really liked him. This lasted for 3 years. He traumatized me. Abandoned me and caused me to have more intimacy issues and not the ones stemming from my CSA. I lost a lot because of him and was very sad. We didn’t date. Situationship 3: A he was a cool dude I liked him and liked him a lot but he was very racist and called me clingy and said he didn’t want to be together and he had to think it out. When he said this, this meant abandonment for me. He broke up with me and left me. I guess I can love hard but I like showing affection to others…. Situationship 4: another A.. this man groomed the *** out of me. Online. Grooming. I somewhat knew but I really really liked him. When I found out about the other girls and men he was with while talking to me, he abandoned me and made it all my fault. He took advantage of me as well. We did not date I don’t know why, I felt like I wasn’t deserving to be someone girlfriend Relationship now: AHHH LMFAOOO I really love him. I decided I want to change my ways for myself and him. He made me feel love, security and safe like no other. He was the first person I got intimate with. We went through our rough patches but Im glad I realized what I wanted was him. I want to give him the feeling of love, pleasure and to have him feel as if he is on top of the world! He deserves it. I love sleeping next to him. I want to wake up to his face everyday. Recently though, I have been on & off of birth control— I have been having obsessive and intrusive thoughts about whether I love him or not.. I constantly check my feelings and compare him to others, check my sexual and romantic attraction to other which caused me to continue spiral and these thoughts persisted … I have multiple people telling me it could be OCD. These aren’t just mere thoughts that go away I get them alot.. and they won’t go away and they drive me crazy, I cry and cry because of them and wish I could be happy like I’m preventing myself from being happy with him. I could write down many reasons why I like and love him but I feel as though how I feel is just more than a trait when it pertains to love. Hmm. I wish this could stop. When I am with him I feel at peace and happy, like myself. When I think about these men, my head hurts but when I think about my boyfriend I feel calm and relaxed.

Intrusive thoughts and Severe anxiety in relationship

Anxiety Support / by FishPhos21

February 24th, 2023

...See more TRIGGER WARNING ( ABUSE , GROOMING DEPRESSION ANXIETY Hello! I hope I can get some support and messages here because i somewhat want reassurance and need to communicate these thoughts aloud.. rather than place them in my notes app. Well! In my life I am a survivor? Of child neglect/ abuse and SA (s*xual a*use) I went from home to home between my Diane and my grandmother and I had received love there but then my mom had got custody of me and she was very neglectful of me and my emotions even after I told her abt my abuse. I yearned for her love. I wanted my dear mother. Well years later I was severely depressed and sought out love relationship’s— I loved very hard. In the end for all my relationship I was too clingy and was too much for them. One of my relationships ended because I was too much and the others ended because they treated me horribly such as taking advantage of me. One of my relationships did so much damage to me, I was taking advantage of and lost majority of my friends because of him. He was a bad person, he kept me around just to have other girlfriends but still gave me hope. I know half of this was my fault because I kept sticking my hand into the lions den, wanting for my love to be reciprocated. Years later I was online groomed and taken advantage of her again, I told myself I wasn’t going to be in another relationship. Months later I met my now boyfriend. I gave him lots of love and there were obstacles at first and we took a break. When I realized my now boyfriend is who I want to be I decided to take it upon myself to change for the better, because I didn’t want my relationship to be like the others I wanted to be better for myself and him. I wanted to put into effort to be healthy. I have been on and off of birth control because of medical issues and I had gotten my period when all this stress started. I kept stressing over the fact if I actually loved my boyfriend. I was obsessing over this thought and I kept checking with my friend for reassurance hoping I didn’t do anything wrong and I cried day and night about these thoughts because they just persisted like no other. I was going insane. I kept searching it up and worrying because I never had this thought before and it suddenly occurred. I wrote down reasons why I like him and love him ( that I can’t really explain because I feel as if it’s more ) and it all was so confusing because my thoughts didn’t correlate with what I felt?! I started to see this one dude I was attracted to before I got with my boyfriend and I started to become anxious of him. I started to have bad anxiety wondering if I didn’t love my boyfriend because I was attracted to him and I started to compare them and obsess over this! I started to check if I had any romantic or sexual feelings for him and I felt nothIng. Nothing at all. I started to check with every boy I saw. I started to develop intrusive thoughts and think about these dudes even though I didn’t want to and they didn’t entice me. I felt nothing. When I thought of these other dudes I had a headache, brain fog and etc but when I just thought about my boyfriend my head was clear I was calm and just happy. My boyfriend makes me happy, safe and secure I want him to feel the same way and I feel like *** to even have these thoughts about these other men. These thoughts just persist and come out of nowhere like a car is ramming into me. They won’t stop coming and I keep obsessing over if I like these men or not, I check if I have a damn groinal response everytime. I cried because it was like I can’t be happy and I really want this to work with my boyfriend I do. And I feel as if I get into another relationship ( which I do not want to do! ) it’ll be the same result! It scares me. I sometimes finding myself pushing my boyfriend away because of these thoughts and fear of abandonment but I find myself hanging on because I’m like wtf am I doing? In my head this all is trivial and so stupid. When I am with him I rarely feel like this. But sometimes when we engage in sexual activities I sometimes have an Intrusive thought— these thoughts make me physically sick. I do not wish to be with these men, I do not wish to be touched by these men, they don’t excite me like my boyfriend do. They don’t make me feel the way he does. I want to make him feel good like he is on top of the world. I don’t want to make my boyfriend sad and he told me it was worrying I think this way and it made me sad. When my boyfriend feels sad I feel his sadness, it makes me cry. I hate seeing him sad I want him to be happy. I want to hug him when he doesn’t feel well and kiss him. Hold him and make sure he knows I love him. I also cannot be diagnosed for any mental illnesses but I am looking to others and they’re saying it could be a type of ocd. thank you for reading this rant haha <3

Childhood sexual abuse

Trauma Support / by FishPhos21

February 20th, 2023

...See more TRIGGER WARNING! :: very graphic and detailed about the assault & intense feelings ! All the times he have walked past me all my eyes can do is dart towards the floor, avoiding any eye contact he wanted to possess with me. That must’ve been consent to him— to them. Whenever I look at him, hear him and FEEL him, all I see is the same high school boy who towered over a little girl and left her helpless, defenseless and traumatized. How could anyone call him a son, a cousin a nephew a grandson and a BROTHER after all this? I am speaking about my brother. It is revolting to even type those 8 letters out.. brother. Atlas I have come to the conclusion to say his full name— Edward Walker— the same man who’d rape me day and night if the opportunity was given. I am uncertain about the specific date when it started but it felt like eternity to be in the same skin everyday when the trauma was inflicted so I disassociated. He would find me anywhere, if I was in the shower he’d come and “ shower with me “ or maybe “ give me something “ if I was in my room sleeping he would be there anytime and at times he would force me to come into his room because that is the disgusting type of person he is. Not was. But IS. Edward used to perform indecent sexual acts that were NOT consensual such as making me perform oral, *** his *** and finger into me.. as I was in elementary I thought this was normal until the day I asked myself “Was this how ‘brotherly love ‘supposed to be shown?” Regardless of me believing it was normal for maybe a month or two, It hurt badly.. mentally and physically. More years, tears and wounds came about as a result of this sexual abuse. When I finally opened up to my mom about it she was devastated.. heavily depressed.. so I thought. Even after the abuse stopped she enabled it by letting him stay in the house with me, even alone. Forcing me to have a conversation, attending family events and sitting next to him where our skins touched. I could throw up at the thought of that—while I needed more affection and support than ever after those events, she gave him more love and gave me less all because she didn’t want him to “ grow up like that.” When he should have been in prison where he belonged. I longed for affection and support throughout those times but I was not given it. Whether you question if the rest of my family knew or not? They did. They just decided to turn a blind eye and support him no matter what. Whenever I aimed to even speak out against the abuse to other people to share my pain I was shut down and was yelled at because “ what happens in this house stays in this house. “ My family had injected great fear into me all for the sense of protecting him and not US. I felt disgusted to live in my own skin, my body was not a safe place in my mind but a mere sex toy where as men could do as they pleased with me. I was conflicted and confused as to why my mom didn’t love me like she loved him? In the end rejected me so I let go of all of them. Now, here I am as of today, sharing what’s only a small chunk of my life story.. but let it be known that there is a great amount of history in my family that invokes abuse and I will bear the title of the cycle breaker. I seek to improve— to grow

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