Fleckeli Member Profile

...See more Loneliness is agonizing, and it seems too hard to make proper friends. I sense that's a given, and something that is all too common these days judging from what I sometimes see in posts online. For me, I feel it is a near impossibility to make what I could deem to be a "true" friend. The reason why I think that, to keep it brief, is that I am too fundamentally lacking on a social level to be able to be in a normal friendship. I say "normal" because I have somehow succeeded in building relationships with decent people and maintain them for some time, but only by tearing myself apart and putting on a painful façade that I am a more or less normal person that is worth keeping as a friend. Though I seriously appreciate these people, I have absolutely no sense of belonging when I am with them. To give some context without making this into a massive wall of text, I am someone with an incredibly severe disconnect with this world and its goings-on, especially for my age of 23. Seriously, I have next to no clue what is happening and might as well be living under a rock, as the expression goes, and to give an idea of how bad it is, as shameful as it is to say this, one time somebody wanted to tell me about the political situation in Germany, and I had to Google "right wing meaning" to remember what the term referred to, not that it did me much good. I am a real ignorant idiot, and I am none too proud about it. I have been a NEET (not in education, employment or training) for over a decade due to poor psychiatric treatment of what once was a fairly simple case of depression and social anxiety, and I have spent year after year just sitting at home and doing almost nothing but play video games. I barely watch videos, don't know a thing about music, don't follow local or global news, barely recall any of the very few movies and series that I managed to muster the will to watch, and generally lead an empty life (***, I barely play games anymore, I just replay the same linear shooters or screw around all on my own in games meant for co-op, or arguably worse, social games like VRChat) I don't know what kind of person would be right for me, what kind of person would enjoy my presence instead of merely tolerating it. I assume it would be best if it would be someone who is relatively similar to me. I always think that I should focus on myself, educate myself, develop new interests, and suddenly it'd be all too easy to find more people I'd feel comfortable with. You might've guessed that this is much easier said than done. I do make attempts to learn new things and be less of a caveman, but in my current mental state, it's just torture to say the very least, and I barely retain a thing from what I read/watch/practice/listen to. I so wish I had a close friend with whom I can co-exist. Just casually mess around in random games, watch things, talk with (if either of us could find something to talk about) or just sit together in silence. It would be great if we could help one another improve, maybe it would suddenly become so much easier to learn if we were to no longer suffer this deep, draining loneliness. For some reason I seem to better get along with non-native English speakers. I don't even know why I mentioned that. I apologize for this somewhat disjointed (and much lengthier than I intended) post. I hope I could find such a friend, or receive advice on how to find such a friend. I appreciate people reading this in any case, so thank you if you made it this far, truly.

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