I'm just trying to function a tad better. I tend to keep different mixes of functions and needs in categories or characters of sort. I had to hide things since young, and new stuff really made that gradually absolute and intensely complicated for another decade. I was supposed to take care of a personal part and only act as a slave to finally have null worth and merit a suicide later. It was really nice to feel like I had a fate or place in society, and I'm still attached to it. I managed to create fog and confusion on a lot of painful nuances while overregulating things, so some insidious issues or simple details just amplified a dysfunction.

I wasn't supposed to have anyone in my life at this age, but the last secondary crisis made me terrified of having anything to do with my regulation, management, care, analysis/understanding, sympathy/pampering, guidance, punishments/conditioning or anything of the sort. I really feel and act like a non guided impersonal front and a hidden personal childish part since over a year now. My mind switched and to untangle I tried to dogmatize the idea that a professional could replace everything I was for me. Like an absolute for everything. I knew that too would have to change, but I had to break some patterns. I feel a need to assure that a visit to a professional would be my kind of safe for a ton of very intense and complicated problematic systems and issues. I still feel close to panic constantly at the sight of medical doctors or similar and tend to dissimulate anything. I can be too safe and open otherwise - until something is uncomfortable if irl.

I wasn't well enough at some point to allow having friends in my life - I had to go back to my old life plans until I'd get better. It got worse instead. Leaving during some crisis' kind of made a complicated sequence of reworks in my connotations about bonds/bonding with people : I don't think I could feel much bonds now, and those old ones are conflicting. It settled in a particular way. I don't know how to resolve the accumulated aftermath of emotions, since some complexity in the sequences of events just made it an unusual type of indirect. I lack my old ways of analyzing and managing those types of indirect issues - for the self sympathy, analysis, etc back and forths, and such.
I used to hurt myself to prevent being able to want to mention smaller personal issues to best friends. They're the only ones for which I felt that I could want or consider that. We coped together, were accepting and kept some introverted distance. It was special and I feel horrible about it. I've hurt myself plenty for it.
I feel like I could make the childish bond I mentioned for a psy professional, but that’s just poor. In general, I still mean that regular bonding doesn’t feel possible.

I used to regulate my distractions and goals. I had different types for different situations. I have some stuff to pass time. I used to be very creative and so on, but I lost it. I've tried to get used to safety feelings after moving last year, which is nice. Some games are nostalgic, but I can't enjoy new things for predictable reasons. I feel a constant lack of being totally bonkers all the time. I need that survival stress on tap, and separate from anything safe and personal, so that I could feel safe, but can't use it since year(s) ago.

I don’t want to add any other personal stuff or difficulties.
[Etc]

I don't speak English, I mostly use it to write online. I used it to add another difference between guide/slave routines and roles. I've mostly thought of emotional or personal subjects only in English. The fact that I don't really speak the language makes my use of it often poor : I use my own terms sometimes, and the structure or grammar can be poor.
Sorry if ever I'd bother you to some degree.