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Globe1743
731 M Little Steps
PathStep 3 Compassion hearts21 Forum posts5 Forum upvotes8 Current upvotes8 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2020 Member sinceAugust 22, 2020
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What if (TW: attempted assault, harassment)
Trauma Support / by Globe1743
Last post
 September 7th, 2020
...See more I wasn't assaulted but I was harassed by the same guy for quite a while. It started off more subtle n kinda gradually got worse until he did attempt to assault me. He didn't get that far because I was able to put a stop to it but it still scares me. I passed the place where it happened the other day and just felt tears in my eyes. Sometimes I tell myself it wasn't a big deal because he didn't even get that far but lately i find myself thinking about what would've happened if I wasn't able to stop it. I can't seem to get it out of my head. I still remember the shame I felt buttoning my jeans back after it had happened and how bad it felt when I got home. And I sometimes can feel it happending all over again. The weight of his hand, how he was trying not to be noticed by everyone else, how slow he was going, the terror I felt once my jeans were unbottoned. Sometimes I just get stuck in that and can feel it going farther. I just can't get it out of my mind because i know what his intentions are when he was doing it and his intentions were assault. He would've done it if I hadn't gotten my friends hand in the way. He went home upset afterwards because he couldn't have his way with me. All that just terrifies me.
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Not Sure (TW: anger, mention of suicide)
Trauma Support / by Globe1743
Last post
 September 8th, 2020
...See more I'm pretty new here and I have no clue where to put this so I guess I'll just put it here. I'm not sure if what I went through was emotional abuse or not. Maybe it was just a toxic relationship, I'm not sure. This all happened a while ago. Not super long ago but not super recent either. On top of that I think it was petty traumatic for me so a lot of my memories are blocked out and fuzzy. They've been coming back slowly for about two months now. I really just wanna write eveything down so I can remember and maybe stop doubting myself. I keep telling myself I'm overreacting or making things up so if anything, I think I'm looking for a little more clarity on the situation so I could stop wondering so much. Right now I am just starting my sophmore year of college. I started dating this guy in junior year like the middle of the year maybe. But I've known him all od highschool and we were friends just until january of this year. A lot has happened with him which is why I think I'm still stuck on him. I also really trusted him and realizing all this stuff just really hurts. I guess I'll just start from the beginning. When we first started dating it was because i had told him my feelings for him and his reaction wasn't necesarily like he had the same feelings for me it was more like ok u like me we should date. But then right when we started dating, within the first week, he was telling me how we were soulmates and that I've filled this emptiness inside him and how he wanted to be with me forever. He told me super deep secrets he'd never told anyone and by the end of our first week dating he had told me he loved me and wanted to have kids with me. He also put a lot of pressure on the relationship sayin it had to perfect. I pushed back a it and I told him that he was moving really fast for me and he pulled back a little bit but not really. I looked it up and I believe what he was doing was love bombing me. After the first two months things really started to change. The first thing is that he started to ignore me a lot. Not like he wouldn't answer my texts quickly or anything but he was activiely ignoring me. I'd try to talk to him when I saw him n he'd brush me off. Or I'd try to spend time with him and he just wouldn't really be interested. He'd text on group chats but he wouldn't text me back. I guess over the course of the relationship I just started to feel really neglected. He had lowkey started comparing me to other people as well. We were all friends but he would compare me to some of them to try and get me to act better? He'd tell me how one of our friends does something and how it makes him feel better than what I was doing or that I should be more like that person. Or there would be times we were hanging out together and he's just straight up disappear or ditch me. But yeah I just felt very neglected in this relationship over time. He also stopped taking my feelings into account or taking them seriously. I'd try to talk to him about something and he'd tell me how stressed he was or how he didn't want to talk about it. If we did talk about it, he didn't seem entirely interested and would kind of get annoyed if I kept talking about it? He also often said that he was an empath and he could feel other people's emotions strongly so he didn't like it when I was upset. But he would also use this to invalidate my feelings because he feels so much more deeply than I do. I grew to be scared of him over time. I felt like I was always walking on eggshells when I was around him or speaking to him. Like if I said the wrong thing then something bad would happen. We didn't really get into fights or arguments much because he never really liked to talk about anything. When I would try to bring up a problem between us he would tell me how I'm adding to his stress or something like that. I tried bringing things up in different ways because I didn't want to stress him out or make him angry or anything but idk it didn't really get anywhere. He liked to keep his emotions inside and didn't like to really get angry much but when he did, his go to way was always to get angry in a form of a joke. As a group of friends, he would get angry at us frequently but in forms of jokes. He was often yelling about something and it took so much to calm him down and sometimes the more we tried the worse it got. A lot of the pressure fell on me while we were dating to calm him down. He would lash out at me over the smallest things and when I would try to resolve them he'd just belittle me or respond passive aggressively. I looked back at old conversations and there was something as small as a group assignment I forgot we were working together on and I offered to help him. he denied my help but then was guilting me for not helping him. And when I told him I didn't mean to kinda cause this problem he just responded "well that's a shame". There really wasn't anything I could do. He would yell at me in those instances a lot. He once yelled at me because I didn't know he didn't like a certain vegetable. And when we did something as a group that maybe upset him he'd be angry at everyone but then eventually, it wold all land back on me. But like I said, we didn't get into fights often he was just yelling at me a lot. I kinda just didn't yell back just attempted to calm him down. When he wasn't yelling at me he would direct insults or anger at me in forms of jokes. He almost always took his jokes too far and almost always insulted me in front of other people. Whether it was in public or it was around our friends. I could never really say anything back because of that. It scared me a lot. He would just laugh it off but it'd be something that seemed really serious or just hurt my feelings. There was a time when we were in public and when the rest of the group we were walking with was ahead he stopped me and looked me in my eyes and told me he i a very serious tone he was going to k*ll himself. Then he left me standing there and when I brought it up, he said it was a joke. With his jokes he really got into them; he liked to think of humor as his thing. He'd do voices or little characters and whatnot. So when he was directing his anger at me in the form of a joke it was often very scary for me becase he would make his voice very serious or deep and give me these very intense stares and looks. I suddenly felt like I was so tiny or backed into a corner even though there were people around me. Overtime that look was kinda established as the "you fucked up" look. So if we were out he'd give me that look if I did something that annoyed him and I just kinda would quiet down. I remember small instances where he would also grip my hand really hard but I'm not too sure about this one. He would talk down to me a lot when it came to school work in a belittling way. He'd call my attempts to do something cute or would be like "well you tried" and then would try to help me improve after basically insulting me. When I would work with him on projects, he became very controlling. There was one project we were doing and I had to go to the restroom and also wanted to get something to eat. We were standing outside in the cold for hours so I didn't think it would be that big of a deal. My friend and I both needed to go and he got angry and told us that we better not leave cus his family was goig to come look at the project but he didn't know when they would be there. Eventually we left because we had to go to the bathroom and when we came back he was yelling at us because his family came and saw that we weren't there. He was ranting about how he has to do eveything himself and how we got him in trouble with his mom and didn't speak to us for the rest of the night. He ignored me for a while after that incident. Whenever I tried to hold him accountable for something he would make himself the victim. This more happened after we broke up. We were friends after the fact but he still acted the same way. He told white lies a lot but they often grew into big lies and when we would catch him in one, he would turn it on us and say we were attacking him or would just be angry at the fact. He sometimes got so angry he would throw things. But in a way he prided himself on his ability to lie. When we first started dating I told him I wanted honesty in a relationship. When we broke up, I found out that the last 2 months he had been lying to me about his feelings (I could kind of tell but was afraid to brin it up with him). He then started cying and told me he l ied to me because I was so emotional that he thought it would hurt me too much. I ended up being the one comforting him even though he was the one lying to me. I'm sorry this is a lot and all over the place. I also apologize if this triggers any bad memories or reactions with anyone. I'd appreciate any insught you guys have.
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