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Grayscale
32 M Embraced
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts2 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes3 Current upvotes3 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 1970 Member sinceSeptember 30, 2014
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Parental Issues?
Trauma Support / by Grayscale
Last post
 October 1st, 2014
...See more I would like to apologize in advance if this is hard to read through, it's just a very hard thing for me to write as I find my mind reliving these instances. I'm a nineteen years old gay male, living at home with my parents. I'm currently working five days a week [2am -2pm] while I await response to my submission to study a Bachelor of Design. Growing up as a gay individual or different in general is difficult, due to the fact you're easily susceptible to various forms of discrimination and prejudice. These actions leave unintentional scars on what type of person you are, for me it has forced me to be a much more sensitive, anxious and reclusive person. However, the bullying children are no longer my problem, instead I'm stuck with an entirely different problem, my mother. When you bring up the subject of your mother as a "problem" it can seem very disrespectful or hateful, as she is the one who brought you into the world and has had a hand in raising you, but I would not be bothering with this if it didn't affect me so much. It seems wrong to complain when I've had a very good upbringing in regards to the opportunities I've had and the possessions she's given me that I've needed or wanted, but  my whole life my mother has had "anger issues". I understand people are allowed to get angry at times, sometimes for genuine reason too. However, her anger is a constant in my life on just about a daily basis. She's like a minesweeper that I need to try avoid for fear of this explosion of rage. Whether it be the most minute thing such as leaving a glass on the bench she explodes into a full scale rant of all the struggles in her life, that I cause her and of how useless I am. I always try to move past it but how would you feel when your own mothers screams the words F*ggot amongst other thing. I sit in my room near tears as she screams at me for ten minutes (without me ever responding). It's hard enough thinking negative thoughts about yourself or even said by strangers, but when it's your own mother the blow is even more severe. People tend to say that "She's just angry and doesn't mean those things" but when it's repetitive and said countless times it seems authentic. As I've gotten older my feelings have slowing progressed from those of sadness to that of anger. Constantly thinking about how horrible she is and I find myself trapped in this familiar negative hole that I have to try climb out of . Removing her from my life is not a feasible option but there seems to be no helping her with these Bi-Polar tendencies and living with it is slowing tearing what little confidence/happiness I have. I'm not sure what I'm looking for with this post as I've never written anything like this or seeked help before. I just feel like I need to at least talk to somebody about it to keep myself sane. 
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