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GrowingGinkgo8847
2,235 M Hopeful Heart 3
PathStep 169 Compassion hearts108 Forum posts102 Forum upvotes136 Current upvotes136 Age GroupAdult Last activeMarch, 2020 Member sinceSeptember 10, 2019
Bio
Traveler, Humanist, INFP

Things that bring me joy: Plants * Nature * Dogs * Tea * Dancing * Deep and Meaningful Conversations * Board Games
Recent forum posts
Do you have an altar for meditation/mindfulness?
Mindfulness Center / by GrowingGinkgo8847
Last post
 July 5th, 2020
...See more Hey there. I'm trying to get back to a regular meditation practice and have been struggling after some difficult life events led me off the path. I've been thinking about making a meditation altar to set my intentions and create a tangible space conducive to healing and mindfulness so hopefully my mind will follow more freely. Anyone have any experience creating their own altar? What types of items did you include and what were the intentions behind them? Do you have any personal rituals/practices that help you feel centered and grounded? ex. reading from a spiritual text, giving negative thoughts to a "lock box", or lighting candles/inscence?
Disillusioned
Relationship Stress / by GrowingGinkgo8847
Last post
 October 3rd, 2019
...See more I was disillusioned by you from the beginning. I wanted you to be so much more than you are and that wasn't fair to either of us. I thought if I loved you enough, I could heal that wounded part of you; that dark part that you said only I know how to trigger. That part of you that would spend hours screaming your rage while I lay still as stone; you would always break down in the end and finally show me the part that was really hurting. I thought if I could get you through that I could get us through anything. I can see logically now that it was not me triggering this side of you. You were this way with your mother, your ex-wife, your sister. I don't know what scares you so much in femininity that you feel the need to lash out and tear us apart from the womb. Even though I can logically see this, emotionally I still ache. You knew exactly how to tear me down; the things that would hurt the most and make me feel so worthless that I would believe you when you said your pain was all because of me. You told me I am a selfish bitch, that I expect people to care about me but they don't, that there is something fundamentally wrong with me. You knew what you were doing; I had been so vulnerable and open with you about my own struggles and insecurities that you knew exactly how to strike blows that would hurt the most. The last time I saw you I left truly believing there is something fundamentally wrong with me; so wrong that I don't deserve to live. You were my home and you knew that. The reason I kept coming back to you as a friend after all these years. I needed the comfort of being with someone who truly knows me, but how dangerous it was for me to find that in you. You were my shelter, but a shelter that was filled with hidden dangers; grenades I would lay on that instilled in me the priority of your happiness over my own, trap doors I would fall through and learn that I can never be too careful where I step. My entire life I have longed for the space to be authentically myself and feel heard and seen. This is why your rejection hurt so much. It is hard for me to keep the facts in our relationship straight because you were always twisting them; something I now recognize as gaslighting. Twice I recorded you yelling at me to remind myself later that it did actually happen. You yelled at me in the car for 30 minutes for not having sex with you earlier that day. You told me that because days before I was being sexually suggestive to you and because you had waited 'patiently' for three days that I owed it to you. You said it wasn't fair that in the moment I didn't feel like having sex. You said every other human on the planet would feel the same way as you and that I was fucked up for not understanding. You said that me not having sex with you was a form of me disrespecting you. This belief you instilled in me over and over; that my wants and needs are always lesser than yours. When I was assaulted by a stranger a couple months ago I blamed myself. I had been naked in a sauna and was violated after I had politely told him I wasn't interested. I blamed myself because you taught me that I deserve to be treated this way. That because I was naked, I was asking for it. That even though I said no, it didn't mean no if he wanted it. That he was entitled to touch my body because he was a man with urges. That his sexual desires were more important than my own physical safety. This is the scar you left. The only words I have found comfort in that might allow me to let you go is strangely... believing that you were trying your best. You screamed this at me over and over that this is who you are but I always believed that this dark part of you could be healed if we just worked hard enough to get to the root of it. But looking back I see how this belief could be scarring to you and for that I am sorry. What I saw as an opportunity for growth, you saw as a flaw in yourself and I recognize how that hurt you. You were doing the best you could; but that was not, is not, and never will be enough for me.
Deleted tinder and downloaded 7cups
Newbie Hub / by GrowingGinkgo8847
Last post
 September 15th, 2019
...See more I have been in a slump lately.. and by lately I mean about a year.. or maybe 3.. or maybe 20. I've been able to outrun my deeply embedded feelings of worthlessness for a while but this past month its all come crashing in. I'm having trouble reaching out to family and friends; I live a nomadic/seasonal lifestyle and I'm afraid that the people near me will think I only come to them when I need something from them. Its a fear of giving less than a perfect version of myself; a fear that they will feel responsible for my feelings or see me as a burden. I've been trying to keep it together but it's gotten to where I can't mentally function very well anymore. The other day I was feeling a little better and decided to download tinder again, I've never met anyone on the app but thought maybe it would be an easy way to connect with people and dig my way out of my isolation a bit. Within 5 minutes a profile of a couple very explicitly looking for a threesome came up, which turned out to be my emotionally and sexually abusive ex-partner. A lot of my trauma from that relationship was brought to the surface after being assaulted by a stranger a couple months ago. I called a hotline last week and asked for advice on getting help without insurance (God bless America), they suggested this website and a few others. After this incident on tinder I deleted the app and downloaded 7cups and here I am. I think the whole tinder episode was a nudge from the universe to get help, giving me something to be tangibly angry at and fuel the "need" for help rather than just subsisting in this flatlined state for about a month. So here I am, a bit nervous and unsure about it but I hope its a step towards healing and ultimately living a life that I feel like is worth living.
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