My name is Juliana (I go by Jules). I'm a 29yo female from the east coast of the USA.

**Edit: Trying to turn my path back to following Christ as i’ve turned from him during my darker days, unaware of what i was doing

*Edit 2 (7/12/25): I believe I deal with something that is considered codependency in my relationship. I know of it being a thing but trying to pinpoint the why and how to fix my struggles with this are difficult. This is my most recent issue and would seriously appreciate any help provided.. as it could save my relationship.

Edit 3 (8/6/25): My partner has been sacrificing hours of his days, his last dollars out of his pocket, and years towards my growth. But every time I’ve fallen, I’ve been lashing out on him and only see our bad moments. I don’t take accountability for what I have done and continue to do, nor take a moment to think and act rationally for once. Everything has turned from a small bump in the road to a huge battle all because of how out of control I am with myself. Nothing can be said to me without me taking it personally, nor can I ever be expected to be someone’s peace. I’ve been told that “people who are hurting, tend to hurt others too” or in short “hurt (adjective) people, hurt (verb) people” and that’s exactly what I’ve been doing to those that have done nothing but support, provide, and do everything to guide me onto a better path that I just continuously stray from and continue to doubt within myself. I can’t give those around me any form of love, patience, understanding, forgiveness, compassion.. you name it.. because I simply cannot give it to myself. Before I was able to, and my partner even told me he could see the soul inside me and that it’s beautiful, but I fear that I’ve become lost and seriously have no idea how to believe that I’ll eventually figure things out…

Edit 4 (9/27/25): I tend to believe the worst in myself. I don’t believe that I am capable of changing for the better. Any rope that my partner can throw down into my hole, I claim I’m not strong enough to hold onto it. And then when he gets the ladder, I claim I’m afraid of heights or incapable of climbing it because of some weakness I believe in myself. Any praise that I receive, I shoot down with reasons why I can’t accept it or believe it. But then I demand praise for other things that may have been from the past or for the smallest of things when I’m sitting in my mess. I sit in denial about what I do wrong, yet want to point the finger when others do wrong. I expect forgiveness from others when I massively screw up, while not changing my actions and still manifesting everything negative; and deny forgiveness of others for their mistakes that they take accountability for while I do not do either. I slowly stopped choosing to do the right thing, whether I knew better at the time or not, and it has slowly chiseled away at what good I have left. Everyone at first impression believes I’m so sweet, but then somewhere along the line, my demons come to surface and I end up letting them control how I handle things. Sooner or later, I’m the cause of more bad than good.. of more chaos than peace. There is nothing inside me that has “clicked” and thought ‘I will not live like this anymore’ and there’s no deep motivation inside me to take the steps to improve. Every time I seem like I take even the smallest step in the right direction, I’m tumbling down the entire mountain the next step. I just really do not know what to do or think.

So you know what you're up against if I request a chat: I deal with and struggle from ADHD, anxiety, depression, learning and auditory processing disabilities, eating disorder (not anorexia/bulimia but a legit fear of food I’m unfamiliar with), exercise motivation, family stress, financial stress, forgiveness, getting unstuck, loneliness, managing emotions & thoughts/assumptions, panic attacks, relationship stress, self-esteem, self harm, sleeping well, social anxiety, and my spirituality (with depending on the Lord).

These all affect my day to day life, some days more than others and sometimes more than I'd like to admit. I mainly prefer requesting chats because I can see if you might be a good fit as my listener and supporter, so if you got a request from me, it's because I believe you might actually be able to help me and will be able to understand where I'm at. I don't have many people to talk to about this stuff because everyone just wants to throw me in a psych ward or into a therapist's office that'll just end up disappointing me like all the others I've tried talking to. I really would like a couple long term supporters that would be able to assist me in my recovery process because I know for sure I can't do it entirely by myself..

I'm currently trying to work on myself including self love, self esteem, anything having to do with the view I have on myself being more positive. My mind is literally my prison and I cannot take it anymore..but I literally don't know where to begin on the journey of loving myself.