IamJustme13 Member Profile

...See more Hi all, I am almost 31 now and was first diagnosed with Bipolar when I was around 13. More recently I learned that I have schizoaffective as well. Also I was born with a mild form of autism. Anyway several years ago I started having some recurring memories come back to me. I feel like I need to let out my feelings on them but I can't currently afford therapy (I am on meds that seem to be helping some though.) I'm not sure if I will actually post this but I will write my thoughts out & then see.... I was told by an early counselor I had that most likely I was born with this, however if certain tramautic events hadn't happened then my Bipolar symptoms would have likely remained dormant. Even before I was diagnosed, I already knew that I was different. I thought and behaved differently than the other kids. I talked so little that other kids made fun of me for it & some mistook me for a mute. Kids at school would sometimes just come up to me and share their problems with me and I'd either just listen and be there for them or I'd give them some advice. I seem to have lost this gift as I've gotten older although I am still quite an empathetic person. Looking back one of the first clues that I had schizoaffective was when I was around 5-7 and I would see and play with kids that no one else could see. Teachers,school staff, and my parents thought that I was just making up stories, but nope I was truly seeing those kids and it would confuse me as to why no one else could see them. I also rememember "Freddy" who was my imaginary friend that I continued to see and interact with past the time that most children have imaginary friends. Freddy at some point began to change and scare me after my parents told me that I shouldn't be able to see him. But Freddy was so very real to me that it terrified me. In the days leading up to my no longer seeing Freddy he would sometimes turn into what I would describe as a demonic looking angry being. Eventually I figured out that if I left the room where Freddy was then he wouldn't follow me. I'd still be able to hear him though. Anyways soon I made a friend named Eddy (wierd huh? Freddy then Eddy.) And at that point I quit seeing Freddy. I also would feel distinctly like I was some other kid, sometimes a girl sometimes a boy. That would really freak me out and I'd stare at my reflection in the mirror trying to comprehend how the mirror showed me as the girl I was yet it somehow didn't seem like me. I would lose time sometimes as well. I can remember one day realizing that I was sitting at the kitchen table but I had no recollection of how I had gotten there. It was dinner time, but clearly we'd already eaten dinner as dessert was in front of me. Things like that which I remember scare me from my childhood. And I believe that there were other things that happened of which I cannot remember. My home life was not good and my brother and I would spend hours out of the house playing til dark began to fall but we still didn't really want to go home though we had too. My Dad was a very angry person back then and was often mean to us. My parents fought verbally a lot, sometimes all through the night. My brother was so mistreated by my Dad that he began to turn on me and mistreat me. My Dad used to spit directly in my brother's face, it was horrible. My Dad always treated my brother worse than me. At one point my brother told me he hated me & then he spit into my face like my Dad did to him. He begged me not to tell and though I was angry at first I didn't tell on him, because I loved him and I figured my Dad might hurt him if I told. My Dad wasn't so kind to me either though. He called me a "loose girl" when I was just 8 years old. And if I went up to him when I was little and told him that I had a cut or a scrape then he'd essentially tell me to shut up, it can't be that bad and grow up. I have no memories of him ever putting a bandaid over a wound of mine. So basically I wasn't allowed to say or show that I was hurt. One day I fractured my wrist/arm and it was the same as usual, shut up, it can't be that bad. I knew that it was broken or something but he wouldn't listen to me. He insisted that it couldn't be broken because I was still able to move my wrist and arm. So he had me keep moving my arm up and down and moving my wrist to try and "work the pain out". He seriously thought I was just in pain from the fall and that nothing was wrong. So he had me keep moving my arm and wrist like that for several hours until my Mama came home early from work & then she took me to the doctor. And I firmly believe that God was looking out for me that day because the doctor said that had I moved it much more it would have broken in such a way that it might not have been able to heal correctly. I loved the movie Mulan and I decided in my mind that I was a warrior like her and that no one could hurt me. In my adulthood I've rarely seen things like I did when I was little, but I've had plenty of paranoia, mood swings, and sometimes hearing peopkle talk about me when they weren't. As a young adult after my Mama passed away, my own family coerced with each other to take advantage of me and to steal from my brother and me. They insisted that I get on food stamps and Social Security and then they stole funds from us and lied about it. The way they did it would not be proveable in a court of law and we lived out in the middle of nowhere isolated from the rest of the world. And since I didn't drive and we had very few funds I couldn't just leave. My own so-called family taught me not to trust. And the way they talked to and about me made me feel worthless, crazy, guilty and ashamed. I finally got out of that situation with my oldest brother's and my Dad's help.Once out of there I got the first job I interviewed for, and I also earned my GED. **************** Recently I had a psychosis where I honestly believed that my Dad was poisoning me with mercury. Its tough to realize that you can't always trust your own thoughts and feelings! Anyway I'm not sure where I was going with this post. Guess I just needed to vent a little bit. Thanks to you if you took the time to read this post. & God bless you!

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