Idontknow27 Member Profile

...See more I feel ok right now which is why I want to get this out now rather than in a phase of depression. Though I am much better at expressing how I feel when I am depressed, when I actually am depressed I want this post to be rational rather than melodramatic. I have always been an extremely sensitive child as well as being extremely- even painfully shy. I was badly bullied in middleschool- but not by the cool kids, no- by the losers. I didn't really have any friends in school who I actually wanted to be friends with. That sounds extremely weird but maybe some of you understand what I mean. I changed school before 9th grade and went to a catholic all girls boarding school, where I had always wanted to go (my mother had been there too). Though I was very excited and looking forward to finally going to by dream school, obviously I was scared because I knew that I wasn't good at making friends due to my overwhelming shyness. However after a week or so I felt comfortable enough to be my regular self with the girls in my grade and the grade above. I made friends with the "cool clique" and finally found the friends I was looking for. Girls I can relate to, who understand my humor and who I can be my complete naked self with. However these girls were not like the cool kids at my old school, they were nice to every one and didn't choose their friends based on the brands they wore. They were goofy like me, they didn't act or look like 30 year old party girls like the girls at my old school. They cared about having fun. Not being grownup. Anyway I'm rambling. The point is was happy I finally had what I always knew I deserved. What I had always wished for. As I became older I started getting panic attacks in social situations. In 10th grade I started a tumblr blog (private, I did not want anyone to see) where I could just get all of my feelings out. It was all black and white, and filled with very sad posts- pictures and quotes. Last year I finished school. And just 2 weeks ago I finished the tailoring apprenticeship I was doing next to school and left boarding school for good. In the 2 years leading up to the final exams and the last half a year of tailoring I was extremely stressed out and afraid of failing. I had weeks where everything was fine and then a week where everything was completely horrible and I was ready to cry at any second, full with self hatred and negativity. I shut everyone out even my best friends, who, you have to think, lived with me and even shared a room with me. A room that I wouldn't come out of during those periods.

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