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...See more Hey, I don't really knows how this works since I'm a newbie here but I just wanted to write a story/my feelings somewhere since I don't think it will make my problems worse. (English isn't my mother tongue so I'm sorry if it's difficult to read/understand. So, I'm a 21 year old university student from western Europe so I already know that everything I experience is a first world problem. Now, the first and also probably the biggest of my problems is the self-hate. This self-hate isn't something that suddenly appeared but is the result of stupid action after stupid action which in turn made me hate myself more and more. One of the examples of this would be; failing my exams time after time, not because I'm stupid but because I don't study despite finding the subject relatively interesting (so yeah, maybe because I'm stupid). Because of this I'm still in my first year economics despite being 21, this in turn makes me feel so bad that I feel too ashamed/stupid to meet new people or to even date (like who wants to go out with a loser). Another reason for this self-hate is my social life, normally I tell people that I'm really not that social but the truth is that I'm pretty social but I'm just very bad at it. I do think that I got a few good friends but in general for some reason people don't like me or forget me the moment we separate although I almost always try to leave a good impression. Although I'm definitely not "beautiful" I don't think I'm so ugly that people don't want to associate with me, in other words the problem is my character. Personally, I like my character and from what I catch from my surroundings I think that I'm known as a kind person though maybe a little secretive. For guys I sometimes manage to make a good acquaintance or something like that but with girls it seems impossible to leave a good lasting impression (I don't have a single girl friend). Considering this plus me being ashamed because of my studies/future it shouldn't surprise anybody that a girlfriend is out of the question despite craving for one. I am diagnosed with light autism but when told, my friends are surprised despite finding me weird (I guess I'm weird in another way). Now all this coupled with sometimes believing I'm "evil" and other times believing that my morels are higher than those in my surroundings, obviously makes me think about ending my life. As an economist I believe when deciding about suicide one should look at the positives and negatives of life in long term. Since I don't see any realistic improvements in the future which will improve the positives with such a margin that they will overtake the negatives, I think I should. Luckily or unlucky I'm currently too scared to make such an irreversible decision so I haven't even tried anything yet. So yeah, I guess I'm stuck in a pretty bad situation. Anybody got any ideas?

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