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Imo5678
180 M Embraced 1
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts11 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes1 Current upvotes1 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2019 Member sinceAugust 31, 2019
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He's back and it's ruining my mental health
Trauma Support / by Imo5678
Last post
 October 13th, 2019
...See more After being raped at 14 I have been on a journey to try and forget it. I started using drugs soon after and that helped with forgetting the trauma but didn't help my mental health. I decided at 18 to stop using drugs because I had a seizure and that transition out of drugs was difficult to say the least. I was depressed and my anxiety was overwhelming. After a while i decided i couldn't live like this and began looking into meditation and Buddhism and I helped myself get to a good mental state. January 2019 I was raped again, 4 years later and this brought all the memories from the first time back. I had recently gotten into a relationship and was finding it hard to have sex without dissociating but felt like I had to have sex with him because I've only ever felt like I can give sex to a man to make him want me. I told my boyfriend I was raped twice and he was supportive and things got better and i was able to have sex and enjoy it for the first time ever. it didn't feel like a chore. Recently I have seen the guy that raped me the first time about my town a lot. His uncle used to live by me and is now homeless so I'm guessing thats why he's here a lot, to help him out. I never saw him when his uncle lived by me. His uncle is known as a dodgey guy and has been acting weird around me recently by trying to get my attention on Facebook and constantly walking past my work. I'm scared. I'm scared they're planning something. I'm scared I'm going to be walking home alone and they'll be waiting for me. If i see them my heart instantly starts to race. The boy who did it scares me the most. i think about him following me all the time and am so scared I will bump into him or I will see him at the pub or at my work. I wouldn't know what to do if i was faced with him again. He is evil and abusive. I thought he was going to kill me when i was 14. This is ruining my relationship because I'm turning into the person i was before. I won't talk about my emotions with my boyfriend because he has worse mental health than I do and I can't put this on him too. And even if i do talk to him i just feel like he doesn't see how upset i am by all of this still or doesn't understand that him being back is causing me to dread having sex. I know this may be my fault because I don't tell him much about it but I'm just stuck. I want to tell him because i feel like it'll make thing a bit easier but at the same time I don't know how to tell him or if it will even do any good.
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