Well, let’s see....it’s been, I don’t know, 42 years of pain (I’m 49 now - unmarried - not by choice, with no kids - by choice) and I think I knew I was different from earlier than that but let’s just say I was 7 when I fully understood and felt the rejection and pain of being called different, interesting, odd, strange, weird, special, etc. because that’s what I always heard.....and still do except now I say. “Thank you!” Because I’m actually proud of that.

Doesn’t seem to matter how much research I do, how many cocktails of meds and vitamins I take daily (completely compliant) or how many years of weekly therapy I participate in (35 yrs) or how much unwavering family support I have or how much unconditional love and comfort I get from my mom, the result is always the same. I AM ALONE and hopeless and have constant suicidal ideation with the sincere hope that God spares me ASAP with some fatal disease or accident.

For all intents and purposes I’m ahead of the curve. I have a masters degree, my own private practice as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, I own my own home/4 plex (50/50 with my brother and his wife) have no debt to speak of except a few thousand on CC. I’ve traveled abroad, have had an amazing amount of fun (with 2 arrests along the way) and I am above average attractive. But in the inside I feel empty and lost and I’m now, and have been for decades, ready for God to take me. I’m too afraid to kill myself because I was raised Catholic and it would destroy my family, especially my mom and my niece, if I did.

I can’t imagine what a disappointment I am to my family. I’m sure they weren’t hoping for the wreck of a person that I am now and have always been. I’m usually just about 3-4 weeks away from a breakdown at any given moment. Relationships, friendships? Forget about it, I’m too much for anyone to deal with. I go through friends pretty often. I have a bad picker on both fronts. I can be the life of the party, the funny, fun person who’ll let you know how important you are by being extremely thoughtful and giving when I’m doing well or hypomanic (I’m diagnosed Bipolar II) but when I’m in a depressive mood state....not so fun to be around so I’d rather just isolate. I’m a rapid cycled who often is in a mixed mood state.

Oh, and did I mention that I’ve been told that I’m too wordy in my texts? 🤣 So why would someone with so much going for them be so unhappy? You got me. Doesn’t make sense, but it is real and it’s unbearable.