InMyBubble77 Member Profile

...See more Sorry if this is the wrong forum for this. I'm also sorry that it's so long. I've always been the type of person that never felt strong emotions. I've always been shy and introverted, but have always been able to function Ok at school and at work and in typical social situations (most of the time anyway), but I've almost always avoided unnecessary social interactions whenever possible. I got married really young, for the typical reasons, and somehow, stayed married for a long time. But, from the beginning, it really didn't matter to me one way or the other from an emotional standpoint. I know that sounds really bad, but that's just the way it was. No, my wife didn't do anything wrong, it was just me. She's the only reason the marriage lasted as long as it did. I'm in my forties now, and I can honestly say that when most people describe love I have no idea what that feels like. I mean that sincerely. I've never felt it, and would't recognize it even if I had. So it wasn't a factor for me during my entire marriage. To add a little more context, I will say that I don't remember ever really being happy. I also don't ever remember being sad, even with the death of friends or family. I have felt anger (at least, what I think anger is) a few times, but mostly I just feel annoyed, if anything at all. I've always just kind of faked emotions at times, just so people wouldn't think that I was a psychopath or something. I'm definitely not. Just really really numb. After being separated from my wife for close to two years, for some unknown reason, I decided to make an account on a dating app. I have no idea what possessed me to do this, but there was enough interest from other people on the app to have made it worthwhile. But with my stupid shy/introverted nature that I can't seem to get over, the chances of me EVER actually following through with any of it are basically zero. I got married so young, and was married for so long, that I never needed to learn to date or interact with women, or to develop any real social skills. So, I'm basically screwed as far as the dating scene goes. Whatever. I'll find something else to do. I hadn't dated or interacted with women really at all for close to two years, so I didn't care - or at least I thought I didn't. A couple of days after I had come to this realization, something inside me seems to have broken. I don't know what triggered it...a song or some random interaction maybe? I don't know, but, I actually started feeling sad...I think...or something close to it. It was NOT a good feeling at first, but I kept finding myself sort of drawn back to it. Like I would WANT to feel it, even though it felt bad. I would listen to sad songs and watch sad movies, and any other sad thing I could find, just to keep that feeling going. I know that I sound like a crazy person, but it was something that I'd never really felt before, and feeling something was better than nothing. But now, I'm lost. I don't know what to do. Unless I'm really preoccupied with something, the feeling just stays now - without any extra input from music or whatever. I know I can't just keep doing this to myself, but I also don't want to go back to feeling nothing again. I don't know how to stop feeling the way that I do, so that MAYBE I can feel something else. MAYBE. Based solely on the previous forty-something years of my life, I don't have a lot of hope. But I think I should at least try something. Maybe someone here will understand, and won't think I'm crazy. Please tell me what to do.

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