InkStainedFingers Member Profile

Dear 13 Year Old Self

Trauma Support / by InkStainedFingers

July 23rd, 2017

...See more Dear 13 year old self, I know the pain, the yelling and the internal torment you cant understand or place knowing that you mean nothing to those you thought loved you terrifies you, I know you wanted to walk away from it all but never knew how or even if you should but that doesnt mean that you werent loved by anyone because I always have and am proud of who youve become, told you could never amount to anything wanting only to be accepted by your family unit, by those you made friends with throughout the time that we both lived in the same skin. What was the hardest was attempting to accept and believe in yourself because no one else could at the time even is hard for me now, being an adult version. You as I do love without the expectation of reciprocation, this has always been our way because of what we went through, I am so proud of you for not giving in and that carries again over to your adult self, me. The bullying the mistreatment of you as a person the thoughts in your head about the chaos that you thought you caused are warranted but were never because you werent doing the right thing for you and even now Im still coming to terms with this part of the journey we have been on. We are much more than these angry hurt emotion we were fooled for the longest time that we were not even worth celebrating, not that anyone knew how to celebrate who we are. The fights you heard that seemed constant in your mind and mine were just because no one understood you, they dont understand me, but that means that we are in this together, unconditionally, without need of worry because as your adult self is learning who he is he is proud of who you have made him become. The nights you cried yourself to sleep because you didnt fit are totally justified you wee going through things that no one else could ever fathom. We arent a bad person because others think we amount to nothing, they just dont and didnt want to know you because for them it was and is all to hard to see that we are stronger now for that situation and others that we faced. Many of the situations we found our self in became a part of what was at the time a toxic environment and I know you wanted to walk away from it all but couldnt and as a result we made the decision yes to do some things that were hurtful to who we are as a person, but having many that essentially took you for granted and as a result playing on your impressionable mind. Many of these situations I know you followed in to blindly but that doesnt make any of what happened your direct fault or you a bad person, I am always here for you, speak to me tell me what you desire, the adult self will make this happen. Lets go in to this without fear of hurting others and yes I know thats very strange for you to get your head around but its something your adult self is ready to take on. I hear the screams I feel the hurt the pain, all of it but you are safe now, we made it through together, I know what you are saying and I hear you I always have. I know you are my past and as a result we have indeed grown in to a man that is for now relearning how to be the man you have wanted to be all along. You are safe you are protected; we will always get through whatever is thrown our way. The dry stinging tears I feel right now from you the cautious foot steps are perfectly fine, we are almost there. To know that we made it this far being torn down and used for so long is hard to admit to and guess what that again is fine, we are an empathetic being that feels and loves so deeply and we will be alright as I have shown you and you have shown me. We are more than a nuisance and a sometimes because even though we are tentative about trust and love, this is who we are not because of what people around us made us think and feel but because we have made the choice to be something that is totally different from who our parents thought we would be or amount to. What we went through I cant speak about especially your older self but we dont have to, we are loyal, honest, dependable, easy going and very forgiving but we hold on to all this because we still cant process it or understand if we have to. We are together in this and Im proud that you trusted yourself to now speak up and say what you have, which I fully agree with even though that who we are makes it harder to turn off our humanity and walk away, this your adult self is learning, and while growing in to the courage and self belief because I do believe in myself, I want to tell you that theres never a moment where I give up and that comes from you. We are a better person because of this side of us that no one wishes to see. I have always believed in something that is bigger than who we are. I know you having been through these nights has always told me that we are so much better than what people tell us we are, you are not at fault for what went on during those nights that no one thought was being listened to. This life I lead now is because of you and I am so grateful to be in a position to tell you we are in a good place despite what is going on with a few, I know you want me to ask her why, its scary to thin of a reason or if I should even ask but I know you want to find out because you want to dance with her inner child, knowing full well that she doesnt appreciate who you are and that is ok, Ive learnt that it is ok to let go and that doesnt mean the drastic ways many think and I know it is common and what really confuses us both is why there is one that comes back. Yes its your adult thought string right now and that you want me to ask, Im not scared to because its something we are allowed to know. Im scared because she will leave and I know you are terrified of this emotion but what you said today walk away Im realising is the best advice Ive heard from myself, well you and I thank you for allowing me to know what you want to do, even if we do love her. Being selfish about my journey is what Im coming to accept about us right now after being hurt for the longest time by someone we trust love and accept, even when she doesnt think anything of me, well thats what your adult self feels. You lived a life in the shadows, on the outskirts of society because you were never accepted and now I can say that we are accepted by at least one person, who yes called the cops on you from another country just to make sure you were safe, this to me is what family is all about and she is my family. Your immediate family hasnt even concerned themselves with you for the longest while and it doesnt surprise your adult self because yet again in seemingly go full circle that Im not a concern or that Im to much trouble to deal with so they choose to ignore who we are. This is a constant thought and set of emotions that has always been there and that is ok, because Im proud of you for what youve become which is me. We are a resilient strong courageous entity that will fit somewhere that is right for us, so hang in there I have your best interests and my at heart. We are going to surface soon and no one will be able to sway us from what we want to do because its what weve always wanted ever since those sleepless and tear soaked pillow nights all those years ago that have now gone but we as a entity dont have to worry any longer about what anyone has to think yes your adult self will take on board some of the suggestions, but teenage me you have always had it in you to be what you always wanted and no one will ever take this drive of determination away from us. - Ink edited by Rain45 moved to Trauma Community due to forum restructuring

Starting a relationship that feels really healthy for me

Relationship Stress / by InkStainedFingers

March 25th, 2017

Today's session, drained but feeling better

Journals & Diaries / by InkStainedFingers

March 8th, 2017

...See more Had my psychiatrist session today with my caseworker sitting in and I feel so much better knowing that a med change is happening because I don't know how much longer the loud could keep building to the point I fixed it on my own, which is never a good idea for me (or anyone) the points outlined and the decisions concluded are again pointing to psychosis being very prominant which isn't new to me as others have said that before but medicated for only the anxieties and paranoia, what differnce there is is that I'm going back to a medication I had a good relationship with before that helped more with this hallucinogenic pattern that happens with me. Also it allows me to keep the anxieties and paranoias under control. I've been seen by many health professionals (since I've been medicated) as to sane, which scares me because they have only medicated for what I present symptom wise on the day of our session for and don't really understand my case, so being able to have my caseworker with me today was a help. Most doctors (psychiatrists/psych registrars) I see I only see maybe once or twice because of their hospital rotations or they are retiring. I just hope that this calms me down and allows me to regain some assemblance or normalcy of routine so I don't end up in hospital again because I have done so well keeping myself out of hospital with everything else I've achieved in the last 18+ months. I feel so drained after a session like this every session I have honestly not just a medication review, my body feels so wormn out like I've run a good 16km or so (about 10 miles) at full pelt without stopping. I don't stop for a breath if asked how I am or what my thoughts are and I at times go off on many tangets of thought similar to a tree branch for visual representation, which I didn't to bad with today but it still happened. Just one other learning experience I'm undertaking along side everything that is going on. Thank you for allowing me to write this off my chest, hehe! and for taking the time to read (if you have). - Ink

It feels like an all-nighter (again)

Journals & Diaries / by InkStainedFingers

May 18th, 2018

...See more 01:58 Thursday 09-Feb-2017 It's a never ending cycle it seems that I can't find a reasonable mid way to sleep and the psychosis that lingers elevated by the insomnia that turns up, I can't seem to make it past one decent night sleep within a week to even longer, that being 7+ hours. I'm dealing with many burried and current issues, fears and phobias all at once and the only way right now is to write them out. The people I want to talk to who I trust I feel have given up on me when I always thought they were different and they are, but again my mind racing gives the triggers and impressions that this is not the case. All I have ever wanted when in this elevated zone is a coping strategy or way out because I again jump between so many thoughts I honestly feel like I'm screaming and nothing comes out or is heard and that I'm drowning on the air I breathe because it gets so loud and crowded. I am seeing my GP in 6 hrs as it's around 0200 as I write this for a check up to start the year for one of the outpatient rehab service's I use and all I can think about is that I'm going to disappoint not only my doctor but the people that I consider my family and the ones I'm comfotrtable around because this cycle hasn't been beaten, and that I'm not on top of it. I hide myself to a degree behind a facade of happiness and fun loving frevolity to most people I know because I don't want them to walk away which I know is totally their decision and I accept their wishes, but where it really makes it hard for me is that I don't know where I've gone wrong or if I have for that matter which is a big trigger to the loud mind and not the only one that is there. I just want the loud to disappear and to be free to become accepted for who I am in every relationship type, I'm strong and my strength is tested right now because of the increase in chaos and volume and I feel tired and drained from just writing this because even though it is long I've had to walk myself through to many thoughts to finish this post. Thank you for taking the time to read this jumble of thought. - Ink

Most recent thought

Journals & Diaries / by InkStainedFingers

February 3rd, 2017

...See more Thought #16 24-Jan-2017 My biggest fear is that I'm not worth loving because I don't know how to love, even when I've made love and loving my life because of where I have been, I have felt abandoned for most of my life, all because I never bonded with my mother the way most have. I don't know how to express any of this , well that in particular. I have made every effort to be different from what I have seen and to not allow anyone to know the hurt and dark that I have endured alone and isolated, invisible to everyone, which hurts yet has been successful because I see glimpses of what I know to be love from only one, who turned around and ripped my soul to shreds because she lied, not only her, they all have, so I continue to battle myself because I don't want anyone to know that I am terrified of giving over who I am to her, whom ever she is that will be able to calm my mind and make my soul smile, allowing me to awaken each and every day that I have left with a love that surrounds me and is for her and our offspring, but I fear I'm to late for that. I fear because I'm not worth loving I have shut off the one who has tried to find and reach me to show me everything I desire and believe about love and loving. I'm sorry that I have done this to you for so long, where I have been I can't really explain but to know that you are still there thinking about me as much as I am thinking about you and what we honestly are is something if we cross paths that I will make a new life journey as I make up for the time that we have not had because I have always feared and felt I'm not worth loving. I know you are mine and you know I'm yours, even if we never meet or ever say a hello I'm sorry for being this way trapped for this long by fear. - Ink

Confusion within Hatred & Anger

Trauma Support / by InkStainedFingers

November 6th, 2016

Am I ready

Journals & Diaries / by InkStainedFingers

December 10th, 2016

...See more To trust again, It feels right to let them back in and also trust in myself after the longest time of soul searching and self improvement I've had to date but I've hit a wall a big wall of anxiety if these are the right things for me, which inside points to yes I also know that this on one hand could all be a pipe dream ready to burst and I will never recover from The thing is I've never done for me until recently and ultimately this situation scares the hell out of me, thankfully with online courses these days you can start whenever you want compared to actually needing to do a course via physically going to a university and starting whe they specify I'm setting currently out the blueprints and going to do it because I want to and because it will set me up with a passion of mine that I hope to lead as a career. Which I forsee will help in the next stage of my life's plan. Now trusting others is the hardest test of myself that and getting married (yes even little boys that become gentlemen dream of the day to), but that's a whole other few hundred forum threads. Oops a short tangent there, anyway, I'm reconnecting and forging new relationships that I know need to earn trust, but after being hurt in most of the relationship types (usually being taken for granted) I feel within that I'm being overwhelmed because some of these relationships feel as they are happening again, I know I can walk away but for me it's not that straight forward because most of the time in my headspace I don't want to let anyone down or again burden, which I may have said in a previous post to. This negative thought sequence is hard to shake when I'm trying to face down my fears and show myself I'm not scared which I hope has a flow on effect to others who are around me. Thanks again for taking the time to read or reply as I'm just trying to make sense of this world even if it's newer and unknown to me, there are parts that still terrify me and some that I am comfortable and that feel natural. - Ink

Confused Muppet.

Anxiety Support / by InkStainedFingers

September 20th, 2016

...See more I'm so confused right now I've withdrawn almost completely. I'm motivated to keep myself smiling and in the right direction. BUT I'm being pulled in so many emotional directions currently. I don't feel safe right now, emotionally thus I'm breaking down daily at night with no clear trigger. HOWEVER I'm spiralling to the point of overwhelming anxiety causing panic attacks. I don't know where to turn, when or why. I don't feel wanted, accepted or desired. I have made headway into the roots of my anxiety, why I do things in public and their perceived delusion that has stayed with me for 25 years. I feel good about this but at the drop of a hat I look to find safety, not because I can't make decisions or that it's a new circumstance to me. The people I want around me don't even know I need them because I don't want to disappoint/butden them I miss them terribly. This confusion has me self medicating higher dosages just to stop the numb hurt and emptiness that no one will ever see me admit. I dont fit where I am anymore. I also don't want to walk away from what work (paid) I've been doing but it's become less fun and beneficial if you will, again I don't want to let them down, but it feels to have run its course. Thanks for listening/reading and bearing with me, I'm back posting my stream of consciousness at least after a unintended absence. - Ink

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